Free to Fly

Rustle… rustle… a woman moans with a whimpering sound of fear in her voice. Rustle… rustle… the faint sound of her breath intensifies then she settles for a moment. In an instant she is eyes wide open, soaked in sweat. She claps her hand over her mouth as to not to scream. “Can’t wake the children…” she says to herself as she nervously glares over to the body snoring next to her. She gains her composure for a moment as she finds the alarm clock reading 3:04 back to her. For a moment, the evil looking, thin red lines against the black background unnerved her enough to turn the clock away nervously. She gently moved the blankets, slid out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. It was a safer choice than the kitchen; raises less questions. The fragile figure stands in front of the mirror supporting her weight on the sides of the sink as she gets lost in the image reflecting back at her. She takes note to the new black and blue on her cheekbone. “Not as bad as last time. The makeup should cover it ok.” She thinks to herself. She touches it and winces. “Just as sore though.” She whispers out loud. Her mind wanders as she makes her way to the toilet and sits on the lid. “How did my life get to this point? What did I do to deserve this? Punishment for an old life? Punishment for wrong choices in this life?” Either way, it became an endless cycle of thoughts with seemingly no hope of escape. “He promised he would make breakfast tomorrow... which means I’ll have to make it. If I go back to bed now, I can get 3 more hours of sleep but let’s be real, when was the last time I got a full 6 hours of sleep?” she says to herself. If anything, getting back to bed was more for safety than sleep.

My name is Emily and I’m a 37-year-old mother to two beautiful children named Julia and Alex and wife to a real-life demon named Nathaniel but everyone calls him Nate… or asshole based on who you talk to. Nate is a 265-pound, 6 foot 3 inch tall man who is as muscularly wide as he is tall it seems. His favorite past times include drinking too much, using my face and pretty much anywhere on my body as a punching bag and overly controlling his children. He “runs his house” using fear and control. He says he does it because “he loves his family and wants the perfect family” but, in all reality, his fast fists are a product of his upbringing. You see, his father was an alcoholic and he was black out more than he was awake, so Nate had no guidance, no childhood and all the work fell on him. However, one wrong move and he saw the backside of his father’s hand mighty quick. I guess you can say anger issues run deep in the Andry family. Boy, do they run deep. But you could always count on being told how wrong you are no matter what you do even if you follow his directions to the letter. He wasn’t always like this. I know what you’re thinking. “They always say that.” But in this case, it’s true.

Nate and I met in May of 2008, and he was sweet, charming, and utterly perfect. He never forgot my birthday, always went out of his way to make me smile or laugh. He opened doors, he was polite, had perfect table manners, he would keep a room laughing for hours. He complimented my personality perfectly and we brought out the best in one another. All our friends and family kept saying how perfect we were together so it’s not like they saw the carnival worth of red flags either. I noticed the first “slip up” when I got the wrong directions to a new restaurant on the other side of town. He was furious with me. He swears it was because of a I ruined surprise he set up because “now we’re late” but there was no inkling of a surprise planned. Then the drinking began. One vodka turned into two. Two beers became four. Within a few months he was drunk every single night but he hid it well. So well, in fact, I didn’t realize he was really drunk until he would pass out. At first, drunk Nate was extra charming, extra flirty, and very loving. After a year of this, drunk Nate became a hitter. One hit was a mistake and “it would never happen again.” He was good about keeping the violence wrapped up until after we were married and our first born, Julia, came into our lives. By that point, nothing I did was ever right. Julia’s crying would keep him awake which often sent him into a rage and if I couldn’t soothe her back to sleep in time, the demon within came out. The main issue became he knew he couldn’t take his sleep deprivation out on her… so he took it out on me. Alex came along as a way to “fix the marriage” and bring us closer together as a family. Nate really cut back on drinking but what he didn’t drink away, he took out on me and the children. Beatings are far too often these days and I have made friends with the ladies at the make-up counter. Thankfully the kids don’t get beat on, but they see it. They do. They know. It’s like they don’t see him as their father but the devil himself who merely resides in the house with us. They see the blackness of his soul.

One particularly snowy night in February, Emily had a spring in her step when she made dinner that evening. For the first time in his career, Nate was two thousand miles away at a business meeting for the week. That spring in her step meant Emily was going to get the whole bed to herself! Initially, she got into the bed delicately as she had always done but once she laid down, spread herself out and resembled a starfish. It was a glorious feeling. She reveled in the sensation for a moment and quickly fell asleep in the deepest sleep she had ever experienced in quite some time. The clock ticked midnight and the house had the aire of stillness and calm.

As Emily fell deeper asleep, she sees herself walking through the woods near their house. She recognizes none of the surrounding woodlands but sees her house in the far-off distance. She stands between two paths. The path straight ahead leads her back to her house but the path to the right leads to the unknown. After a moment of staring off at the house, she decides to take the path to the right. The roots of the trees stick up out of the forest floor, some are thin and others some seem to make a great place to sit. Lost in the dense woods, Emily decides to sit on this huge root sticking up out of the ground. She leans back on the aged bark and looks up at the canopy above. The trees felt like a warm hug, their branches crossed over one another, wove in and out and for once she felt protected, secure, safe. The serenity of being alone was freeing; she had no idea where she was, but it didn’t matter. For the first time in years, she felt herself relaxing and the typical stress normally found in her dreams wasn’t choking the life out of her. Much to her surprise, a barn owl flew down next to her feet. Emily was not startled as the bird seemed familiar and comforting to her. It was as if she knew this bird was here for her and not to hurt anyone. It’s dark eyes fixated on her bright blue eyes and they connected as if it had known her before. It nipped her shoe and flew off but looking back instructing her to follow. Intrigued by this, Emily wandered further into the woods when she was startled awake by Julia’s screaming. Apparently, the bad dreams weren’t just limited to Emily.

Settling Julia down was tougher than it usually was but after a solid forty-five minutes, she was finally asleep. Unfortunately for Emily though, she couldn’t go back to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time and the alarm to get the kids off to school went off way sooner than she expected.

All day long, Emily kept reminiscing about the dream. What did the owl mean? What was it’s purpose? She longed to find the comfort level she felt amongst the trees, lost in the woods, far away from her daily life and her daily horrors. For the first time in her married life, she felt the sense of tranquility and peace with the idea of being alone with herself and her children. She realized life could be so much better than it has been but as she had her morning coffee, she had no idea how to begin. The thoughts rolled in, “I don’t have a job. How do I afford to move out? Where do I go? What do I tell my kids? What will our friends and family say? What will my mother say? What if he follows me? He’s threatened to have me killed if I ever left so how do I simply go?”

That evening, once the kids were in bed, Emily decided to go to sleep early; partially in hopes to enjoy the time alone and partially she hoped she would dream of this mysterious owl again. Falling asleep took less time than the night before but as if by intention, the dream picked up right where it left off. Emily found herself sleeping in a clearing of the forest laying on a bed of leaves and moss. The owl was sitting on a branch just overhead staring down at her as if to protect and guard her while she rested. With a sudden urge, the owl flew down and nipped at her sleeve trying to wake her up. Once she awoke, Emily found her owl drawing her attention towards a narrow path with another clearing on the other side. She followed out of curiosity. Once she got past the branches hitting her in the head, and touching each tree she passed, she came across a cabin in the clearing. As she took this gorgeous structure in, she found her owl sitting on the front stoop guiding her to the front door. She opened the door and inside was perfect. Bedrooms for her children and herself, kitchen, bathrooms and most of all, peace, distance from the violence, the hatred, and the promise of a new life.

Next morning, Emily awoke with such happiness it radiated outward to a point her children noticed and asked what caused this change. She wasn’t about to share in such foolishness as dreams but it was enough to make her happy. She told the kids a lie, “I’m just so happy daddy’s coming home soon.” The Julia groaned and the smile she shared with her mother faded away. Alex spaced out choosing to distance himself rather than imagine happiness with his father. Nothing any of them ever did was right, all daddy did was beat mommy and no one was ever happy when daddy was around so why would mom suddenly be so upbeat? The children finished breakfast and meandered their way to the bus stop while Emily waved from the front door. After the children left, Emily decided to head to the library in hopes she could find out some symbolism of owls. She thought to herself, “Maybe it’s a sign or some sort of meaning?”

With a small bit of research, Emily finally found a book about dreams and their meanings. She quietly says to herself, “O. O. Here we go. Owls. ‘Owls represent wisdom, knowledge, change, transformation, intuitive development, and trusting the mystery. They are tied to the spiritual symbolism of “death” which brings about new beginnings with a higher understanding and evolved perspective.’” She spent a significant amount of time trying to make sense of it all and she realized the bird is telling her she needs to change, to transform. This whole dream had been a mystery, but it was never one she feared but felt comforting and it was something she embraced. She was, in fact, trusting the mystery. She realized the owl was showing her what she needed to do and let some things die so they can be changed. She still had no idea how to even get started.

After she arrived back home from the library, she was greeted by a police officer. She was initially nervous. What if someone told the police about the abuse, did something happen to the children? As she walked up to the door, the officer took off his hat and said the words she expected to hear at some point but was never fully prepared to hear them. “Ma’am. Are you Emily Andry?” “Uh… yes. Yes I am. Am I in trouble?” “No ma’am. I am Officer Michael Wagner. I have some news to share with you if we could go inside.” Still stunned, Emily slowly replies back, “Uhm, um yes. Of course. Come inside.” Officer Wagner scans the living room and while it’s tidy and kept neat, there is obvious signs that things aren’t quite right inside. He brings his attention back to Emily and clears his throat saying, “I regret to inform you, your husband, Nathaniel, was killed in an automobile accident.” Time seemed to stop as the words reverberated out of the officer’s mouth and into Emily’s ears. She stood there in her worn coat, scarf half hanging off and a complete look of shock and disbelief. The officer calmly explained that Nate had been drinking heavily. They found his car wrapped around a concrete and steel support beam. “He died instantly,” Officer Wagner offered Emily as if this was supposed to comfort her. Emily thanked the officer for his time and sent him on his way.

The moments after the officer left had Emily tearing through thoughts ranging from, “What do I tell the kids?” “How will they react?” To, “This is it. I am finally free. No more beatings, no more black eyes. No more pain. No more fear.” She realized she needed fresh air and to wrap her head around everything she was just told. No sooner did she step outside, she saw an owl just like the dream sitting in the tree outside her door. It was magnificent to witness and this bird simply looked at her. She stood there and smiled the biggest, brightest smile she could have and acknowledged the bird above, thanked it and said, “Thank you for teaching me to spread my wings and fly.” The owl did a small screech and flew off. Its job was done. Emily was a free woman.