Four Months on from My Marriage Ending
When does the pain and heartache stop?
It's been four months since my wife unceremoniously left me. I wrote about the experience a few months back. I just reread it, and tears are flowing down my face. I have shed more tears in the past four months than ever before in my life. My wife leaving me truly is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I keep being told that time heals all wounds. Well, time is not doing too much yet. Mind you, I probably shouldn't be surprised. It really has not been that long since it all happened. But I have trouble believing that I will ever not be in pain again. I still love my wife tremendously, and being apart from her is killing me. It is made that more complicated by the fact that we have children and keep in contact regarding plans and logistics related to them. Each time we talk (well, write to one another seeing as the bulk of our communication is through email), it is a painful experience.
I have written her what feels like a thousand times telling her how much I love her, how much I miss her, how much she means to me, how much I want to be with her and have her hold me, how much I miss our family. But none of it seems to matter. To her, our relationship is over. She has no interest in any form of reconciliation. And it hurts. It hurts tremendously.
And I know it's all my fault. I have Bipolar II. Now, I am not saying this to excuse my behavior. It's just that my behavior is heavily influenced by this disorder and trying to overcome the negative, relationship-crushing aspects of that influence is quite the challenge. And I failed. I let irrational thoughts and fears win, which led me to being obsessive and controlling. I didn't do enough to get these things under control. I failed. I am 100 percent to blame for my screw ups. I just wish that it hadn't gotten to the point where my wife was so unhappy that she left me.
Is there any blame to go to her? Well, yes, I think so. That isn't to say that I see her as the bad person here, or that she wasn't justified in her feelings. And I don't want to talk badly about her, because I feel bad for what I did and I still love her terribly. But communication is not exactly her strong point. Nor is sharing her feelings. We often joked that she was a Vulcan because of her detachment from her feelings and emotions. Talking about how she feels is extremely uncomfortable for her and she essentially wants nothing to do with it. That causes issues with communication which is essential in a relationship. That said, my overreactions to some discussions we've had definitely made communicating with me unappealing. But I really wish she had let me know much sooner how unhappy she truly was, instead of just one day pulling the plug out of the blue. The way it happened was utterly shocking and I'm still reeling from it. Why didn't she tell me sooner? Why didn't we get the professional help we should have gotten in order to save our relationship and maybe make it much better? Why did she not give me an ultimatum at some point that I have to change or she will leave? I just don't understand why it had to end like this.
But, again, I don't wish to bad mouth my estranged wife here. She has legit reasons to feel unhappy and I know that. I just didn't realize how unhappy she was.
I feel frustrated because the day she ended it, she said that it was over and we would never be back together again. She was not interested in working on the relationship. She was not interested in discussing the relationship. Everything is just... over. We went from one day holding hands, seemingly being in love, sharing a life together... to nothing. A wall suddenly went up. There was no more talking. There was no more intimacy. No more love. No more discussion. Nothing. Everything came to a complete and surprising end. And adjusting to this complete and total cutoff has been hard.
My wife was my absolute best friend in the world for 14 years. Suddenly, I was without her. Not only that, I was kicked out of our home. I lost my home, my family, my wife and best friend, my vehicle, my comfort and safety and my purpose in the blink of an eye. And now, here I am, trying to pick up the pieces, blindly stumbling around trying to get my feet back on the ground. And it's not going well. I've been facing terrible depression. I walk around in a fog. The breakup is on my mind 24/7. I write her too often trying to win her back, all to no avail. I feel such tremendous pain and heartache. This truly is the worst, hardest thing I have gone through in my life. Five months before this happened, I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve. Well, I would much rather go through a thousand of those surgeries than this. I had my heart fixed only to have it torn into a million pieces, to be broken more than it ever has been.
But, here I am, four months on, in pain, confusion and trying to kick start a new life. I still can't believe all of this is happening. I can't imagine a day in the future when I won't be feeling horrible about what has happened. I still love my wife very much, but she doesn't love me anymore. And it's my fault, and I am kicking myself for how badly I screwed up. Time has yet to heal these wounds. They still feel fresh and raw as if the breakup happened just an hour ago.