Forever an AUNT

This is a nightmare every woman is familiar with. At some point in your life you've wondered, you've worried, you've known someone, you've heard the sad tale. That's me. I can't have children.

My Story Begins

Like most girls I played with baby dolls and played house. I forced my cousins and little brothers into the scenario. I'd be the mommy, cousin Dougy would play the papa and little Joe would play the baby. Papa would go to work in the morning after I cooked a good breakfast on my little kitchen set. Then Mommy and Baby would play in the park where Papa would meet us for a nice picnic of play-doh cookies and mud pies.

I had my whole world planned out before I was 12. I would meet a man - he didn't have to be nice, just handsome. We would have a wonderful wedding where all of my family would attend to my every need and tell me how beautiful I was. We would live in a great big house and we would have two precious children, a boy AND a girl. I had their names picked out and knew what I would decorate their nurseries in. I knew what their favorite toys would be and the best foods to feed them.

I figured they would be popular (though I never was) and they would play every sport. They wouldn't necessarily be athletic...unless it came from their father's side of the family. They would each play an instrument, either piano or violin, I wasn't picky. They would be on teams and in clubs, the top of their classes and I would be busy taking care of them.

That was my dream.

I DID grow up eventually. I realized that I don't actually live in a 1940 sitcom. Children grow up and have minds of their own and, funny enough, I grew up with a pretty strong opinion myself. Women shouldn't have to be mothers. It shouldn't be expected of us. But I still wanted to be a Mom.

I wanted to meet a man that thought the world of me. Someone I could come home to after my job that was just as important as his. I wanted someone that I could argue with and have fun with. Someone who loved me for who I actually AM instead of who I Pretended to be. And then I wanted to be the Mother of his Children.

And I found him. After a few wrong turns of course.

But Finally my world was perfect. We were going to get married. We were looking at houses. And he liked the names I had already chosen for our children back when I was a pre-teen and still knew Nothing about the how the world works. All I had to do now was go see the doctor and find out why this headache won't go away...

Change of Plans

All of a sudden my world was crashing down. I remembered the horror stories. I remembered the nightmares.

I suddenly recalled the nameless faces of women I had known over the years who had struggled for Years just to get pregnant. I hadn't understood then. Sure, I had always felt bad for them. Some I had even stopped and prayed with. I'd been to countless baby showers they thought would never be thrown.

But how could this happen? It was just a headache! How could a headache crush my dreams into such fine dust?

"Blood clots" they'd said. "Too dangerous" they said. "No chance".

I was in a daze as I headed home to relay the news to my fiancé. How could I tell him that I was sick and that we would never be parents?

I chewed on the information I'd been given. He wouldn't be home for a couple of hours and I cooked while I thought, a nervous habit I'd picked up from my mother.

Blood clots had formed throughout my body. They'd put me on a high-dose blood thinner and were going to monitor the situation but that complicated things. There was a clot in my brain that could kill me at any time. They wanted to schedule surgery for early the following week...the week before our wedding. No way we'd get our deposits back.

What was I thinking? Why was I worrying about Deposits?! I could DIE. My family wasn't going to care about the money and neither would the man who loves me. But I DO care about the other complication...

I can't get pregnant? Ever. No wait, that's not quite what the doctor said. She said that I Shouldn't get pregnant. Because I can't carry to term. And childbirth would definitely kill me...and mostly likely the baby too.

It doesn't matter. There are other options. Surrogacy, Adoption. There are options.

When my fiancé came home after work there was an over-the-top meal laid out for him. Even when I had decided that I was okay, that I was ready to research my options and devote myself to whatever came of them, I hadn't been able to sit still until I'd spoken with him.

When I did, it wasn't what I expected.

I sat him down at the dinner table and prepared him that I had some news. I tried to be gentle but I didn't want to lie to him and tell him it wasn't as serious as it was. The doctor's had all been very clear that I was in danger and we needed to take this pretty seriously.

He didn't speak for a while. I hate silence after bad news, I just don't handle it well. But I sat for as long as I could and tried to let him process the information.

After 30 minutes without a single word from him I started babbling.

I told him that the surgery could be put off until after the wedding. We could go on our honeymoon next year or that summer. I said we could look into surrogates. There was nothing wrong with my eggs, I just wasn't strong enough to carry a child.

On and on and on I went. I didn't notice that the vacant expression had finally left his face and he was now staring at me. I didn't notice that he wasn't smiling or that when he did, it didn't reach his eyes.

"That's right. They didn't say you couldn't get pregnant. Doctors don't know everything."

I had fought HARD to come to terms with the fact that I shouldn't have children. I had wanted to be a mother for so long it was a part of me. It defined me. Would it kill me?

My mom had stories of girlfriends with heart problems with doctors who swore she'd never carry to term. I went to school with 2 of her 4 kids.

My cousin had trouble getting pregnant the first time around. Now she has two, the second pregnancy was all natural.

Everyone who knew my story suddenly had a story to tell me. They all wanted to reassure me, not that I had made the right decision, but that there was still hope for me. Besides, what did doctors really know, right?

The Life

We got married. I had surgery.

We got busy living life. He wanted kids but he also wanted a promotion. He wanted a bigger house, a better car, all the things he was told he needed to prove he had succeeded as a provider and a husband.

Then it happened. One morning, two mornings, three in a row I was sick. I skipped the appointment and walked straight past the pharmacy and in to my doctor's office unannounced.

Once she sorted out the confusion I had caused in her lobby I was taken to a patient room and tested. But I knew the result. I could feel it. I just KNEW that I was pregnant.

An agonizing 15 minutes later my suspicions were confirmed my a doctor that seemed more disappointed than congratulatory. I was angry with her. This was the happiest day of my life next to my wedding day. But she looked at me with those knowing eyes and explained.

She had called a team of specialists together who would be monitoring me during the pregnancy. A full team for me and a different team for the birth and the child...IF it survived. She stressed the "if" pretty hard. She told me not to make any changes to my residence. She asked me not to host a baby shower or tell too many people.

Again I was outraged. How was this precious gift NOT supposed to be shared with my family and friends? How would they feel being left out of something this important in my life? And what was I supposed to bring the baby home in if we didn't make changes to the house and the car?

Again she explained, the "if". "If" the baby comes home it will be months after the birth because I won't last the full term. We'll spend months in NICU and we'll have plenty of time to decorate and buy furniture and clothes. "If" the baby comes home at all. "If" your husband can raise a preemie baby on his own, knowing it killed his wife. "If" your baby never comes home, could I stand to see the beautiful, soft clothes, the furniture my husband had put together for the child, the car seat in the back, the minivan? All the things that would never be used, by a child that didn't make it home?

Her tone was kind. Kind enough to tell me that there was a patient she hadn't warned once, that wished she'd had the warning. But I didn't want to hear it. My husband had wanted children so badly. I had dreamed of being a mother all my life. I had such a good one...I just wanted to give a little bit back.

But I thanked her for her words of warning. I smiled like I knew something she didn't. She smiled sadly and shook her head, knowing better. And I ran home to tell everyone the good news.

The Truth

There were baby showers every other weekend. There were decorating and building parties. I knew my first born child was going to be So very loved.

And every week I had a doctor's appointment. She hadn't been lying. There was a whole team of them devoted to me. They checked the clotting and the dosage of my blood thinners. They tested my heart rate and blood pressure. They gave me dietary supplements and shots and so many many tests.

They sent me to classes, both for motherhood and for other things. Things I definitely didn't think I needed. But someone always went with me so I couldn't skip them. The doc called them "Terms of my Pregnancy". She said if I was determined to survive, she was determined to keep me sane as well as physically healthy. So I went to the group therapy sessions and listened to the people talk about their lost loved ones. Mostly I listened. I spoke about losing my grandmother to cancer too. It's funny how we never really realize how helpful things are until you're forced into participating.

The further along in my pregnancy I got the happier I was. My husband was affectionate and attentive like he'd been when we were first dating. He did everything around the house and wouldn't let me lift a finger.

In my third month I was put on house arrest because of my blood pressure but it was all fine. I felt fine.

And then one night...I didn't.

I didn't feel right. There was pain and then blood. The next thing I remember I was waking up in the hospital, very groggy, with an empty feeling inside. And with one look at my husband's tired face I knew that my baby hadn't made it. He was gone.

At first all I could do was cry. My body had betrayed me.

I've heard people say that the first one is the hardest. Those people are idiots. Every child is precious. Every loss is the hardest. The loss you are going through Right NOW is the hardest.

My marriage made it through 5 natural pregnancies, 4 natural terminations. On my 5th and final pregnancy the doctors discovered that the baby was going to kill me during the 4th month of pregnancy. He could neither survive without me, nor could I survive with him inside of me. I would have been happy to give my life for my son. My husband made a different choice. My doctors made a different choice.

My husband and I both realized that we were never going to get what we wanted. And when I looked at him now...all I could see were our children. All that lost potential. When he looked at me...all he saw was despair.

After 10 years together we finally went our separate ways. I went back to therapy where I made better progress and came to real understanding.

I may not have been meant to be a mother. But I make a Damn Good AUNT.

I am Aunt to my sister's buckaroo. I am Aunt to all my cousins' crazy kiddos. I am Aunt to the children I have fostered over the years.

I have come to realize that I am not a mother to one or two. But I am Aunt to all who need someone to talk to, to play with, to stay with, to read with.

Not a Mother: Forever an AUNT