Flames of Unforgivable Fury

I wish this tale were happy in some way. I do. It's not my intention to give you a bad day for reading my woes. Be that as it may, I also know that your reaction to this very regrettable situation might be something like that, and I can only hope to forewarn you that my tale is not for the faint of heart (or sensitive skin.) Reader, beware, you're in for a melodramatic tale.

Before I begin, I have to say that while one should not live with regrets, this is a regret that I have yet to grow from. It is one that I feel, perhaps, could be worked out with therapeutic writing.

My story begins at a point in my long distance relationship when I was experiencing an unusual pain in my lower neck and upper back area that just wouldn't go away. My love, who I had never known to allow me to suffer for even a moment if he could help it, told me he had a great idea for a solution. A treatment, he said, that he had used multiple times on issues like mine that he felt could be effective. He suggested that I mimic his methods, and I innocently accepted this idea without any inkling of what horrors I would experience from this.

I received this to "help" my pain.

It looks like your normal, every day, average product. It's pain relief, it's a cream, and it works on muscle pain. Muscle pain was what I was having, so this idea had all of the right elements of being a great one.

Mind you, I'm notorious for avoiding solving my physical ailments, so I had never tried this before but I was aware of its existence. I merely took the word of my trusted partner, my beloved significant other who I trust and treasure with everything I have within me, and decided that it was worth a try if he said it was.

"It says icy hot, though. Will it feel cold or hot?"

"It's a little of both. It feels nice."

It feels nice.

He said that.

With confidence.

So I applied it while we spoke on the phone.

I put my partner on speakerphone, laid the phone down, and removed the cap of the product. I squeezed some on my finger tip and reached back to apply it where the pain was most prominent.

My friends, I wish I could accurately describe what happened next. All I can do is find it in me to select the appropriate adjectives for the assault this cream performed on my lower neck.

The sensation was cold, which was lovely for a few moments, until the "little bit" of the "hot" part of the title came in. My woes were just beginning as the heat started to take hold of the nerves in my delicate flesh. "Wow, that's a little warm," I chuckled nervously as I continued to massage it in.

"Yeah, that's normal." He sounded casual, but I felt the heat intensifying with every breathtaking second.

It continued to grow, and I breathed a little harder. "Whoa, you actually like this stuff? This is getting uncomfortable!"

"It relieves the pain. Is the pain gone?"

"No, the pain is just different now!"

I laughed, but oh, let me tell you how not funny it actually was. It was the epitome of suffering. The glacial flames began rolling across my flesh with a vengeance as my hand scrambled over the burning real estate on my body, seeking a way to alleviate the sensation of the cream's desire to burn me alive.

"This is ridiculous!" I screeched. "Why is it SO hot?!"

"I don't know!" My love sounded panicked. "I didn't realize you have such sensitive skin!"

"Oh, god!" I kept rubbing the warmed spots, the fury of the medical cream's frozen heat attack. "It sucks! Make it stop!"

"How am I supposed to do that?!"

We went back and forth like this for a while until the sensations died down, and I returned to my previous state of normal feeling skin.

To this day, my love will tell you the same thing he thought back when it happened. "You are being ridiculous right now."

Ridiculous? Perhaps. But as I said, my friends, my tale is not for the faint of heart...perhaps that is why it is so ridiculous.

Disclaimer: This is an exaggerated story of a prior event in my relationship that my partner and I actually experienced over the phone. It is for humor purposes only and is not meant to mock or degrade anyone who has had negative experiences with products like this. The product did no actual damage to me.