Fizzling Out

Do you ever have those days where literally everything you do seems to fizzle out quicker than it begins?

Those days where you simply cannot wait for the end to occur as you are left in the quagmire of proceedings, unable to decide whether or not to move forward or stay still.

Those days where simply pulling out your hair would not work as you must continue forward.

I had one of those days today.

One of those days where it simply felt as though it was going from bad to worse. Where it started with something as innocuous as asking for a same-day payment, only to be told that's not procedure.

To then be dismissed and talked about when you are in the same room. To then move forward into discovering that a form has not been correctly connected, an entrant was unhappy about their nomination...all of which was finalised by two hours of excruciating meeting time where I saw the mental health of another human dissipating in front of my very eyes.

It was painful to say the very least and then at the end of it all to consider going for a run without my wife simply seemed to me to be the most ludacris consideration in human history.

Something that made no sense to consider or even wonder about as that would be silly. When you have had a difficult day, all you wish to do is see those who connect you to reality and not be distracted by superfluous information or considerations.

Maybe back in the day that would have been my go but at the age of 35, this simply does not compute and I have changed. In some (in many) ways for the better and in some ways, maybe I've changed for the worse.

What I hope more than anything else is that I've changed for the better as that is what would shift me into gear and continue to connect me to my humanity, which is what keeps us all going.

Through the difficult days and the days such as today which I feel awful. It's not pleasant but sometimes you have to wade through and just keep going as tomorrow is a new day...now I say these words and understand them but my tomorrow involves the same team once again.

It will take me to an awards ceremony that is populated by them and while this would typically sound okay, all I can consider right now is how potentially awkward it is going to be. Maybe it'll be okay and after a decent night of sleep everyone will calm down and we will have a way forward but who knows?

All I can consider right now is that I have witnessed someone's breakdown at work. A moment that could realistically happen to any of us and a real reaffirmation of what is right and what is wrong, in addition to the consideration that we need to take care of ourselves.

I still love my job overall but today has definitely left a slightly sour taste in my mouth. The fact that I have witnessed this and when you analyse the situation and consider that rather than plugging the gaps as identified at the start of the year, the company has instead focused on replacing those who left, you begin to wonder.

You ask yourself if you are seeing what you want to see and once again being taken for a ride or if you are being provided with a warning.

Maybe this was meant to happen to show me what is truly happening and the consideration that I need to be aware of what is bubbling under the surface. I can keep my head above water but there is a point in life where we all need to consider what is happening and not be clouded by emotion.

I lead with my heart as I did at my last job, which was a mistake, as now I look back, I feel as though I was used and that should never be the case.

If my wife and I are going to start a family this year then every day, then I need to set in place good habits that will guide me into the future. I need to be aware of what is around me and ensure that what I say and enable today will provide greater success tomorrow.

There are so many considerations here that I need to consider and take into account as everyone has a bad day and I have had one but that does not mean that this experience should guide my entire direction as that is not fair.

Everything does have its time and everything dies but that is realistically not where I should be thinking. Dispassionately, yes but also focused on what is truly important and that is my wife and my future family.

I need to continue to keep an eye on things and plan for tomorrow whilst also taking into account the day-to-day, as that is what is essential and that is what will keep me going during the tough times and today was tough.