Five Traits That Could Be Making You Unlikable

Yesterday I talked with a friend who always makes me feel better. At the end of our conversations I'm encouraged, my heart a little lighter.

This is a big contrast to the way I feel following conversations with a different friend. More often than not, she stirs up negative emotions, leaving me irritated and annoyed.

Both friends are good people. Our conversations aren't generally contentious or controversial. So what's the difference? What makes one friend likable and the other one hard to be with?

After analyzing our conversations, I was able to zero in on five characteristics that made the difference. And if I'm honest, I sometimes exhibit behavior on the unlikable end of the spectrum. Maybe that's why I don't write my difficult friends off as toxic. I don't want other people to write me off.

But I would like to change and grow, and I think we all can. Nothing in life is static. So I'm hoping that by recognizing these five traits, I'll be in a better position to cultivate the attributes that attract, encourage and inspire others.

People Who are Easily Offended

The first thing I've noticed about friends who are hard to get along with is that they are easily offended. You have to walk on eggshells around them. If you don't say things exactly right, they are quick to correct you. They tend to be thin skinned and to take everything personally.

The other day, I asked a friend who had broken up with her boyfriend and was moving out of his apartment, "Where are you going to live?" I was making conversation and trying to show interest, but she said, "Can't you listen without making a judgement call about me not finding a place I can afford?"

Sometimes thin-skinned people are hurting and lacking confidence. Maybe they're going through a hard time. Frequently they have a chip on their shoulder. But their reasons for being easily offended don't make them any more likable.

They look for hidden meanings behind what others say. Any conversation can become a minefield that has to be carefully navigated to keep things on an even keel. These people keep you on pins and needles.

The person who is likeable, on the other hand, will overlook an offense, especially an unintended one. This person knows we all make mistakes, we all have bad days, and we don't always express ourselves well. The person who refuses to make a mountain out of a molehill is the person we can relax around, be vulnerable around, and feel good about being with. The person who doesn't easily take offense is forgiving and kind.

People Who Are Critical

Another characteristic of the likable person is an uncritical spirit. The uncritical person accepts us for exactly who we are, warts and all. This person seeks out and discovers the best in people, zeroing in their positive attributes rather than pointing out their negative ones.

We all want to be embraced and accepted for who we are. Think of how good it makes you feel when somebody recognizes and cherishes the qualities that make you special. You think, At last somebody gets my sense of humor! Or, Finally somebody realizes how hard I worked to achieve this! This person really gets me!

I have a friend like that, and I love her dearly. She possesses certain qualities that enable her to like and enjoy other people. One of those qualities is her complete lack of envy. She is never jealous of other people's accomplishments, appearance, wealth, or anything else. This enables her to genuinely support and encourage her friends.

She's had a hard life, with numerous health issues and family problems, but she brings a sparkle to every gathering. She has a way of making people feel special; of bringing out the best in them. She does this by accepting people for exactly who they are, without fault finding or criticism.

I've always tended to be too critical. One time when I was with my uncritical friend, she mentioned a person I had always believed was cold and aloof. "She is so intelligent and talented!" My uncritical friend gushed. "I admire her so much!" This made me look at the "cold and aloof" person in an entirely new light. I could now see her good qualities.

The critical person, on the other hand, is judgmental. People must measure up to their exacting standards. There is no room for differences of opinion or mistakes. The critical person finds fault with most situations and people, and nothing ever measures up to their impossible expectations.

The Know It All’s

The third trait that can make us unlikable is being a know it all. Know it all’s are experts on every subject. They don't express any wonder, surprise, curiosity or interest in what you say, because they already know all about it. These people are usually bossy and opinionated. They give advice, even when you don't ask for it.

Likable people, on the other hand, don't mind if someone knows more than they do. They respect other people's opinions. They offer advice if asked, but they don't dispense advice to everyone about every subject under the sun. They don't tell people what to do, and they don't automatically assume people who choose a different path are stupid. They are fun to talk to, because they freely express wonder, interest, or compassion when you tell them something.

Know it All’s sometimes have contempt for others, making it hard for them to be empathetic. A person who expresses empathy and compassion is one who respects the knowledge, wisdom, and life experiences of other people.

People Who Are Negative

Most of us vacillate on a spectrum between positive and negative. Sometimes we're a little bit of both. A lot of times, we have reasons to be either positive or negative. But the consistently negative person is one who almost always zeroes in on the bad instead of the good.

I'm not talking about the friend who is mired in personal problems and needs to talk about them. In those circumstances, good friends offer a listening ear and a good dose of compassion. I'm talking about the person who is negative even when things are going their way. This person could win the lottery, then complain about not knowing what to do with all that money.

Positive people have problems, too. They don't fake happiness when they don't feel it. But they have an innate sense of gratitude and cheerfulness that spills over into everyday life. They are able to put things in perspective. They realize that sometimes life is difficult. But it's also full of beauty and wonder, and that's what they choose to dwell on.

People who are positive generally have a good sense of humor and are easy to be around. They take life seriously, but they don't take themselves too seriously.

One More Thing

One more trait that makes certain people likable is their interest in others. An unlikable person is too self-absorbed to really listen or care. But the friends we are drawn to, the ones who make us feel better just by being in their presence, are the ones who show an interest in us.

Being ADHD, I have trouble listening. My mind wanders if a person talks a long time instead of giving me sound bites. But I'm trying to improve. I'm intentional about practicing my listening skills. Being interested in others means listening without interrupting, listening nonjudgmentally, and discovering and recognizing the qualities that make others unique.

How Can We Be More Likable?

Sometimes people exhibit the unlikable traits I've mentioned here because they are lacking in confidence or insecure. Frequently they don't like themselves, which makes it hard for them to like other people.

Most of us are probably on a spectrum, harboring a mixture of likable and unlikable characteristics. But I believe we can all improve, becoming more engaging, positive and attractive. It requires intentional effort, but it also requires an inner transformation.

There's a saying, "From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." In other words, the feelings we nurture in our hearts will eventually be revealed in our words and actions. This is why it's important to practice in private being the person we want to be in public. We can't rant and rave and say hateful things in the privacy of our home without eventually expressing those attitudes beyond our own walls.

We need to nourish our spirit with things that bring us peace and joy. Good music, nature, exercise, good, wholesome food are important. Our mental and physical wellbeing hinges on what we put into our minds and our bodies.

I try to push away the thoughts and feelings that produce anger, bitterness, and resentment, because if we dwell on the unfairness of life, we will eventually be unable to experience life's joys.

Being a more likable person isn't only about coming across better to others. It's about liking ourselves enough to realize we don't have to bring other people down with our criticisms. We don't need to be know it alls, because we realize there are always things to learn. We aren't easily offended, because we are confident enough to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

I am both likable and unlikable, at different times. But as I grow more able to accept and like other people, I find they like and accept me more. And this is what true friendship is all about.