First Kiss. . . a Kiss of Goodbye

First kiss... What's the big deal? Yes, it's first kiss and you've read it right. I suppose the majority of those who are reading this right now have experienced their first kiss? It is such a wonderful feeling to have those warm and sweet lips of someone you love close to yours. I never thought that at the age of 18, I'll be rewarded a kiss... from foreign lips! But wait... please don't judge me. Don't sentence me as if I am accused of a hideous crime or as if I am a patient of a lethal disease.

I'm not pretty! Lads wouldn't even take a second glance on me once I have crossed their paths. I'm not popular or even an active student of this state university. "NOBODY" might be the perfect term that fits for me. Never did I realize that it would happen to me.

I do admit I like him. He's a man of sweet smiles and soft personality. He is a person who deserves respect and admiration for he have achievements at a very young age. Still, he's eager to learn more, study more, particularly on the language which had been our medium to comprehend with one another---the English language.

Yes, you've made a right guess! He's from a sister university of this institution, a foreign professor.

We became friends even through text (exchanging of text messages through the use of cell phone). Now, you might think that I am an opportunist or a desperate day dreamer but to tell you honestly, I was contented just to talk to him through that means.

We didn't talk personally although we were classmates in some particular academics. He didn't know who I really am. I concealed myself in a pseudonym. I had always been a slave of my own inferiority complex so I was afraid that he might dislike me. I had undergone a lot of rejections from other people before so I really got weights on my head. I didn't even want him to meet me but I felt that I will be so unfair if I would not let him to see me before he leaves. So I decided to meet him, finally, in personal.

The messages he sent to me revealed his personality; kind, smart and absolutely candid. He can always shot me dropped-dead with his statements! I had learned so much from him. He was considerate and his concern on me was manifested through the pieces of advice he bestowed on me.

"Open your heart," that was what he said when we finally met not for a cheap-talking-wine but for a friendly talk. We'd talked about almost anything; from our interests and even about personal matters as we walked and took some laps within the campus. I can still remember the song that was playing from the activity center. He asked me if I know that song... "Only Reminds Me of You..." I never thought that the song would constantly make me cry whenever I hear it being played in an Fm station over the radio. He shared his insights to me especially on the part of the matter between the heart and the mind emerged from our stream of topics to talk about. I was not able to give a good answer---an answer which was worth of an excellent grade of 1 or perhaps an answer which was worth a million dollars. “My mind" was what I uttered when he asked me which I would I follow in a situation which would involve the two. I didn't even wield to explain my answer. Now, I already know which would I follow but the sad thing is... he's not here anymore to tell him so...

I didn't even know if he was not really bothered if other people who were present that time would stare at us thinking that he was a man of poor sense of choice. I have these stupid acne marks on my face that made me feel unease whenever he looks at me. I was filled with so much shame on what my schoolmates would think of me if they would learn about it...

A black and white classic movie on silver screen would be a perfect backdrop when he kissed me. He set me in the midst of a circumstance where I couldn't anymore distinguish a dream from the reality. I felt like I was a black stain on a white unembellished paper. I couldn't move and I couldn't think of anything else but him. So, that's what it feels to be kissed...

That fairytale moment made it much harder for me to accept that he would be leaving so soon... he would be coming back to his very home three days after that day. I would never see him again...

I walked away from him after that kiss... I felt so sad when he said that he wasn't even certain of what he feels for me. Oh, I should’ve been brave enough to run back to him... to hug him tight and to tell him not to leave... but, I've been a coward... I had been so afraid of what impression I might earn from him if I would do that…

He didn't say anything to me before he left but, "It seems to be difficult to say something to you now. Thank you for giving me some unforgettable memories. I will miss you so much..." I understood that he didn't want me to assume of anything from but I hope he didn't give something to hold on to...

I don't know if he does love me or not... Forgive me if I say this, well I think he wouldn't know... I think I'm in love with him!

Is this the only chapter in my life where he would play a role? I'd be a hypocrite if I wouldn't concede the fact that I want him to be a part of me until the story of my life ends…