First Date Red Flags

Toxic Dating

By Alexa CallawayPublished 5 years ago • 4 min read

Do you ever notice when someone asks us to describe ourselves, we are quick to mention every single one of our flaws. What makes me cringe? "Tell me about yourself."

At 16, I'd say: I hate my body. My nose is crooked. My feet are too wide. My hair is too frizzy.

At 20, I'd say: I need to see my therapist. After viciously chugging alcohol and mixing pain killers.

At 24, I say: I don't say, actually. I do. I pray and I do. I'm at the stage of my life where actions speak louder than words.

In my previous blog, I spoke about physical abuse in relationships. Although it was a mini fictional story, it has a deep meaning behind it because it was based on a relationship I was involved in. No one close to me knew, but for some odd reason my aunt did. She was around for the break up and noticed the transition I was going through. Let's just say, it wasn't pretty.

During my relationship, I was manipulated, a lot. Man, my entire relationship was a manipulative MESS. From infidelities, yes plural, to grabbing any object and throwing it in my direction during arguments. HIS DUSTY ASS HOMEBOYS were even keeping track of my every move. Yeah, if y'all reading this, I just want—hold on. Let me let ya'll catch up. Y'all are probably stuttering your way through this right now, ole dusty asses... ANYWAYS.

The honey moon phase is a TRAP. I missed so many of the red flags when we began talking—TALKING IS NOT A THING. TALKING IS DATING. WE ARE GROWN. PERIOD. So let me rephrase—I missed so many red flags when we began dating. How are you going to ask me out on a date, but I'm the one that's paying? How are you going to keep our relationship a secret but I have to constantly post about you? How is it that when I'm expressing concerns, the tables turn and all of a sudden I have to apologize to you for creating scenarios in my head.

In case anyone wanted a visual representation of how it felt being in that relationship, I'm going to use Jordan Peele's Get Out references. For those who know me, please read the captions in my voice. It makes it funnier.

I was Andre Logan. The frizzy haired lady was the guy I was dating at the time. My dawg Andre... I feel your pain, man. I feel it.

He would constantly have to force me to tell people how happy I was with him. With a monotone voice, I faked it. Just like I faked or—moving along.

Y'all remember the TSA dude? Mr. Rod Williams, T-S-mothereffin'-A. Rod was the little voice inside my head. From the moment we met, my voice was like...

"Sis, this dude has you wrapped around his finger and you're not even a wedding ring. Abort mission. Abort. Abort. Don't fall for his ass. Don't —GET OUT."

Yeah, I fell for him. But here me out... After bruises, scratches, nose bleeds, busted lips, hair pulls, and mental bullying—I left. Aht! Aht! Stop judging. 'Cause you're on a way to a toxic relationship too because of all the red flags you're ignoring.

The red flags I ignored:

Spoke about his ex and what SHE put HIM through. I guess I reminded him of her because he took it all out on me. Figuratively and literally.
He was so possessive. I had to cancel plans with friends and he even gave me a "curfew" of how long I was allowed out with my friends. But I wasn't allowed to question him. Whew, young me. So naive.
His temper. My temper was bad but his? YIKES. He got mad at me because I ignored his facetime call. I was in the middle of an exam, a proctored exam at that HE SHOWED UP AT THE AUDITORIUM AND EVERYTHING!!! Like bruh, damn. I just failed this midterm, your temper tantrum can wait. It didn't, if anyone was wondering.
Okay y'all know me and chocolate brothers. Especially Michael B. Jordan. Whew, I hope he is having a good day. Anyways, so I wasn't allowed to look at celebrities. Yeah, those same celebrities that wouldn't even look my way, even if I was a trash bag being blown in their direction. His jealousy was out of control, yet who was the one that was cheating? HIM. Being abusive? HIM. Smelling like flaming hot Cheetos? HIM.
This red flag is probably the most important one that I missed. He had a friend that he was super close with. Platonic relationships are awesome. But let me tell you what's not. Having that same friend ask you all the time "How are you and ______?" I never thought anything of it. I really didn't. I just thought she really cared.

Me crying when she came to me as a woman.

Fast forward. I was at the point in the relationship where I didn't know if I wanted to die or just leave. Or both. When she came up to me to tell me what has been going on with both of them, I cried. I had a mixture of feelings. She wasn't the first and she certainly wasn't the last.

But what did I do?

I went back to him.