Finding the Balance: Relationships Between Introverts and Extroverts

I am a raging introvert. I don’t mean “angry,” just that it is a huge part of my being. This comes with some qualifications, however. I can get up in front of an audience and make a presentation; I even sing and play the keyboard with a praise band at my church. But put me in a social situation in which I have to reach out to individual strangers? Can’t do it. Give me a choice of going to a party where I know almost nobody or staying at home in my PJ’s and TV? The PJ’s win every time.

My partner is a raging extrovert. He has never met a stranger and can even start up a conversation with someone who has dialed his phone by mistake. He can “waltz” into a party and become an immediate “hit.” I, on the other hand, find a comfortable seat, sip a drink, and just observe from afar.

People wonder how we ever found one another and, once we did, how did we ever think we could “make it?” I suppose some of our success proves the old adage, “Opposites attract.” But our success over the long term has far more to do with having empathy for one another and committing to supporting each other’s personality needs.

Obviously, we have very different approaches to our professional and social lives. Our careers are very different – he is in sales management and wildly successful. I am a writer, working from home, where I am the most comfortable. He loves large social gatherings; I fear them. I find lots of satisfaction when I can produce writing pieces for individual clients, and I even submit pieces to websites like Subjecto, so that students can benefit from learning how academic works are crafted. I like to feel that what I write, whether blog articles or pieces that educate, entertain or inspire others, provides value to my readers.

So, how do we make this relationship work? (and it is working, by the way). We have come to understand how each other “works” from a personality standpoint, and we communicate honestly about our needs and wants.

For anyone who is in an introvert/extrovert relationship, I would suggest the following paths for compatibility.

1. Be Honest About Your Needs

You can’t have a successful relationship if you aren’t honest about what you need in terms of “downtime.” Your extroverted partner may need to go out and be among other people; you may need more intimate alone time, going out to dinner by yourselves or cuddling up to a Netflix series. When both of you are honest, you can find ways to compromise. The weekend has two nights, for example. Divide them up related to each of your needs. This demonstrates that each of you is willing to honor the other’s needs. There are other ways to compromise too. If your partner wants a social event, then these can occur with friends you already know and are comfortable with. If the event is a holiday party, on the other hand, an introvert needs to get dressed and put on the best “face” possible. The extrovert partner, on the other hand, needs to be mindful of the introvert’s discomfort and ensure that, during the event, s/he “checks in often” and supports the introvert in his/her discomfort.

2. Find Mutual Activities that Will Satisfy Both of You

Plan downtime with activities that both of you will enjoy. Going out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner can help to satisfy the extrovert’s need to get out of the house. Inviting friends over for an evening of games and social interaction can be a good outlet for the extrovert and introvert both. At the same time, while I plan these more “introverted” activities, I stay mindful that my extrovert partner wants to participate in larger gatherings. When these come up, I “bite the bullet” and force myself to participate, because I want to support my partner’s needs too.

3. Allow for Separate Activities

Couples who spend all of their non-working hours together will lead boring lives indeed. They need to have some parts of their lives that are separated from one another. While different jobs and careers accommodate this somewhat, individual outlets are also necessary. For me, this means the gym three times a week and getting together with my two good friends for lunch. For my partner, this means a men’s basketball team and happy hours with several of his buddies, along with occasional fishing weekends.

4. You Can Have Mutual Friends and Social Activities

One of the things I am most grateful to my partner for is his understanding that taking it slowly with introducing me to all of his friends in small doses is the best way to do things. He’ll plan a dinner out with just one other friend and his girlfriend/partner so that I only have to engage in conversation with two other people over a meal. I have learned that I can ask questions to show an interest in them and have come up with some standard ones that will let them do a lot of the talking. And I like that. I do have an interest in learning about other people’s lives and careers – just one or two at a time. The great thing about that is this: as I meet more and more of his friends on a small scale, when I do find myself at a large gathering and they are there, I have people I know and can talk to and don’t feel like such an isolated “wallflower.”

5. Create Ways to Establish New Friendships Together

I can guarantee that with your extroverted partner, all people s/he knows are not close friends. And as an introvert, you may have only a few. Maybe it’s time to develop some new relationships together. Find an outside activity that the two of you can begin together – something that will satisfy both of you physically, intellectually, emotionally, and/or socially. It might be fitness classes; a dance class; or college classes in coursework that interests both of you. You might want to start a very small business on the side – something that both of you have an interest in and can work on together to develop a new customer base.

We actually developed a “life coaching” business together. With his gregarious personality, my partner marketed and brought in clients. I have degrees in communications and psychology, so the “fit” was pretty perfect. Together, we were able to evaluate clients’ unique needs and develop sessions for them to meet those needs. We worked with these clients together and actually ended up developing relationships with many of them. This is not a large business, because both of us have other “day jobs,” but it has become a great project that we have been able to share, and we love doing it together.

Conclusion

So, here are 5 tips for making and introvert/extrovert relationships successful. You may come up with other ideas based on these. Both of you need to think outside of the box and experiment with ideas that may actually work for the two of you. It’s actually kind of fun putting your heads together, communicating honestly, and coming up with strategies that will work for both of you. We love joking with one another about our differences, and we actually enjoy working out those differences so both of us get out needs met while serving the needs of one another.