Finally Letting Go

Divorce. A word that no one thinks of when picturing how life will turn out, but that's how mine is. I married the person I believed was my soul mate three years ago, even though we both proved otherwise for the entire seven years we were together. I don't know what kept us together despite us both knowing we weren't meant to be.

And I can honestly say that because I really don't think we were blind enough to not see it. Maybe it was complacency—us getting so used to the other person being around. It was nice and comfortable. We didn't have to worry about the dating world or other people. We had each other, and we were pretty compatible for the most part.

But there was something else there that I think me, in particular, refused to see. The fact that we weren't really compatible. That relationship taught me that having things in common is great, but it doesn't make the two of you soulmates. Compatibility lies in the common ground within belief systems and values, which we didn't have.

Most of the time, I felt like I was stuck. The relationship brought so much anxiety and depression that I didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt like a convenience and like I was only there because he didn't have anyone else to take my place. I felt unloved, uncherished, and uncared for. The depression and anxiety drained the life out of me every day.

I found it hard to focus on work, school, and everyday duties such as chores and appointments. And with my history of codependency, talking about my feelings and what was bothering me was next to impossible. I was always so worried about hurting his feelings and what he would think about me that I chose to neglect my own for the sake of his happiness.

That's fine for a while—until it's not. Eventually, I would talk about it, but nothing ever seemed to change. I knew I should walk away for the longest time, but letting go was a lesson I couldn't seem to learn, so I stayed.

I stayed even though I was unhappy. I stayed even though I knew it wasn't likely to work. I stayed when I knew we weren't meant for each other.

Then something changed. Maybe it was all the self-work I did over the last few years, but this year seemed different. It's like I was finally ready to learn my lesson of letting go. I got to the point where even faking a relationship was too much. I prayed so hard about it, turned to my bible, and questioned every little thing I could, but the truth remained the same. We weren't meant to be, and I had to be okay with it.

So one night, I sat him down and spoke my truth. I wasn't happy, and I knew he wasn't either. It's like we've just been going through the motions because we're supposed to, and neither of us deserved it. We deserve to be happy with the person we are meant to be with, and that's not each other. He left the next day.

And I have to say it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't mean that in a way that negatively reflects him or our relationship, but finally speaking my truth came so much peace. I'd been carrying this weight for literally years, watching our relationship fall apart. Now we could both be free to enjoy our life and find the happiness we both deserve to feel. And since then, I've really glowed up.

I've excelled at school, pursuing my dream career in behavioral analysis with the BAU. I've finally gotten my concealed carry license, and I'm about to get my driver's license (finally). I'm also about to get my first ever car that is all mine mine mine. I'm also writing again; something I've missed.

I always felt inspired but could never get the words onto paper for some reason. It was like I didn't have the mental energy. And now my writing is glowing, and hopefully, my next book will be out next year. That is—if spring semester classes don't kill me.

This is a piece of advice I tell everyone now. Learn to let go of the things that don't serve you. When you let go, it opens new doors for you to walk through.

Never allow yourself to be stuck in something that doesn't make you feel good, and don't allow other people to be stuck either.

If I could go back and change something in my life, that relationship would be. I would want us both to be free because now I am free—and I've never felt more like myself.