Finally, I Can Let Go

Dear You,

I remember the day I met you. I hadn't heard of you or your name before, but your looks almost immediately caught my eye. Apparently, we'd gone to the same schools on and off since I was in first grade, and you, kindergarten, but somehow we'd never run into each other before. I would've remembered that nose.

You were the one that made the first move. A message I let sit for a few hours before opening it -- a typical modern teen girl move. From there, we began carving our history together.

I never thought you'd be the type to go for someone like me. I was a quiet girl who kept her cards close to her chest. You were a young bachelor who dated around. Looking back, I guess I fit that type. A wide-eyed, innocent, 16-year old girl who showed interest.

You were my first boyfriend. We had some good memories, too. I think about the time we carved pumpkins together and when we went ice skating. I think about the football watch-parties and the late nights out that were past my curfew, though that was always your idea. My heart starts to warm, and I almost begin to think that maybe, just maybe, you weren't such a bad guy. That maybe you did love me, even though you never said it. That, perhaps, I may have exaggerated things in the moment.

But then, I begin to remember why things started to fall apart. The unravelling of me. So many tears I shed over you. Many that you didn't even know occurred because I hid from you. The tears you did see, you simply told me to stop crying. Lies upon lies, deceitfulness spewed from your mouth, and I was so simply desperate for a boy's attention that I didn't even question it.

You were so aggressive and insistent. I never wanted to say no to you in fear that I would be reprimanded. Many times, I feared you might get physical. You told me not to tell anyone.

You never cared about my feelings. I remember you always changed the subject when I was sad or feeling down. Telling me to "get over it." You never prioritized me or my health. It was always your own self that you were concerned with.

Then, there was the comparing. Always telling me other girls were hot and all of the sexual things you would do with them. I never looked like them.

Insecurities piled up. My self worth began to crumble. Then you began talking to that blonde. You know, the one with the perfect curves and all the curly hair that went down to there. You always told me I had nothing to worry about. Foolish me.

You began comparing me to her. Talking down to me, telling me all of the things that she did that I didn't do to try to get me to do them. Things that the two of you would talk about together. Then you went to see her.

You lied to me about what you were doing and began to ignore me. It drove me crazy. For you to treat a girl who did nothing but care for you, it hurt. I didn't know what I had done to deserve such pain.

I remember you being in a bad mood for a few days. Something had happened with your mom -- an argument about your dad, if I remember correctly. I tried to be there for you. I offered my support and always asked if you needed anything. You snapped at me. Said I was annoying you and that you didn't need anything from me. You told me you thought we should take a break.

The break lasted about a week. I did a lot of thinking that week we were apart. I remember missing you, but I also remember being hurt. When you came back to me and told me you wanted to give it a new shot, I caved and agreed.

We lasted about a week after we called off the break. I remember you were still being incredibly hurtful toward me. When it finally came time for me to break things off, it was almost as if you were unsurprised, unflinching.

This was all back in 2017. Our relationship was brief. Saying it lasted even six months was a stretch. Even so, you left scars that would stay with me for years after. Insecurities dug through my skin, crept into my bones, and lay there to this day.

They always say hindsight is 20/20. There are many things I wish I would've done back differently then. I wish I could say I saw the warning signs, however, I didn't know what were warning signs and what were normal parts of a relationship. I wish I would've stood up for myself.

I never say I regretted our relationship. I learned a lot about relationships and a lot about myself. I learned the things I want in a relationship and I know how to spot the warning signs because I have seen them before. It's just unfortunate that that's the way I had to learn it.

I did say we could try to be friends after. But you always got confrontational and hostile toward me when we talked so I ended up needing to defend myself. Then you blamed the hositility on me. I eventually told you we weren't going to be able to make that "friendship" work, but you wouldn't take "no" for an answer. You wouldn't leave me alone. You continued to hurt me and shoot your words like darts at my heart, with no regard for me.

I had no choice but to block you. Your Instagram, your Snapchat, your phone number, and anything else that would lead you to possibly contact me. You were still damaging me, and wouldn't listen to my pleas that you stop.

Then you tried contacting me through other people's phones and even weirder ways, like driving to my house.

It has been years since our relationship came and went. Yet, to this day, you still try to reach me. And when you do, it is unfair. I have moved on. I have a boyfriend of 2 years who has helped pick up the pieces and glue them back together. The ones you shattered in the first place. You broke me. And for you to think that you can just try to come back into my life whenever it's convenient for you, is unthinkable. It's not fair to you or to me. You dug your own grave, we said our goodbyes, and that should have been that.

I am writing this whole thing because I needed to. I needed to say this to you without saying it to you. Because I don't want to talk to you and I don't need to talk to you. But you have continued to trouble my mind.

I have said what I needed to say, and maybe someday you'll see this. I doubt you'll know this is written to you, though. This is my final goodbye to you. I will not let you cloud my thoughts anymore. I will not let what you built in me stop me from loving my boyfriend and loving my life.

My boyfriend has taught me what real love. He has taught me how to live freely of guilt, and that my word and feelings have value. He treats me how any girl dreams to be treated. With pure love and adoration. He accepts me. I will never settle for anything less than this ever again.

This is our end.