Fifty First Dates Too Many and Counting

“You look super familiar,” can’t tell you how many times I have heard that one! Let’s just say that if I had a dollar for every time, I’d be a billionaire by now.

I always seem to respond with the same puzzled facial expression as I jokingly utter, “Well, you may have seen me on TV,” in my corniest nerd voice as I hurriedly try to change the subject or fast forward to the next one. The last thing I want them to know is the truth, “Well asshole, you may recognize me as the dating app MVP last 7 years in a row. Oh, which dating app you ask? Try all of them, fuckface!” I’m the one who has 31 listed as my age but in reality I am actually 36. “What’s that? You couldn’t tell I was 36? No shit, Sherlock, thats why I can get away with putting 31. “Why am I never smiling in any of the pictures? When I have such a lovely smile?” They proceed to ask. Before replying, I think to myself, "are you a complete moron or just partial?" I’ve been on these apps for the last 7 years, can you calculate in that tiny peanut for a brain you got there how many awful dates I have lived through only to 7 years later still have to go through even more of them? You really want to ask why I don’t smile? And then I quickly reply with something like, “My pictures show a very serious me but I promise its only cause I am always smiling on the inside!” Chuckle...guffaw, snicker, followed by a sobbing cry.

I’ll admit that I am somewhat picky, SOMEWHAT! But 7 years in a row, seriously how picky would one have to fucking be? To what would I attribute these failed attempts at meeting someone worthy of a potential relationship and hopefully an eventual successful marriage? I would have to say that 50% of these first dates end up being with men who had somehow became doormats in their previous relationships and managed to find the balls to finally call it quits. They may have found their balls but that didn’t mean they knew what to do with them. They were broken inside and quite like those of the abused wife syndrome that haunted countless good women out there, these men needed serious help.

So out of all of these first dates that were doomed from the start, (can’t start a new relationship when you’re still not over your previous one) most of them became friends. I somehow became the one to coach them back into being somewhat of the man they were before they became the doormat. They started taking care of themselves, working out and getting stronger both on the outside as well as on the inside. Their confidence grew as they got more attention from other girls and realized they, in fact, had more options. The friendships obviously didn’t last long, it was only a matter of time before their psycho ex ‘realized’ what a mistake she made and drastically changed her behavior almost to the degree of role reversal as she took on the role of the doormat. Obviously this was not her first rodeo and definitely not their first break up. Try break up number 347 and still counting. Each time she would get him back the same way, by love bombing his ego to death, or in actuality to life. Eventually though, they would be back to square one, doormat status. Sometimes however, on rare occasions, things actually worked out for them and they were able to move forward.

My main piece of advice to them all was to take some time for themselves in between relationships, don’t jump from one to another without healing in between. No one ever listened of course, being alone was the hardest thing in the world for some people. Think of all the people you know who are currently beyond miserable in toxic relationships and all because the fear of being alone is far greater than that of being miserable. To all of you in miserable toxic relationships I encourage you to find your balls and walk away with whatever hope in a happily ever after you may have left. Cause you can’t expect for love to come waltzing in through a dead-bolted door where all the lights are off and no one seems to be home. It may be hard to walk away from something you invested so much time into but believe me, in the end you will be more than happy that you did. When you are truly happy only then will you actually understand the difference.

The other 25% lied in their profiles or somehow forgot to mention the fact that they had 3 wives and 17 children, were bisexual or without heels , stood only 3 feet tall. “But I love tall women, especially when they’re taller than me,” they’d say so confidently. “That's all fine and dandy tinker-bell but even my dog is taller than you, so when my profile mentions the fact that I am tall, measuring in at a whopping 5’7 (whopping in comparison to you), that usually means you should at least be taller than that. I guess since we are already out, may as well make the best of it, what do you say you hop in my pocket and we get some ice-cream?”

If I were actually writing a book of all my crazy dating experiences I think my favorite one in regards to who their profile said they were versus who the actually were in reality, was this one. His profile said he was 34, and a conservative Jew (of note since we matched on the Jewish dating app Jswipe) and after dating a short while I come to find out he was actually 23 and a practicing muslim, fasting and going to mosque during Ramadan. His name was Moshe in his Jswipe profile but in real life he went by the name Mo, you know, as in Mohamed?!?

Now, some of my closest friends are practicing Muslims who religiously take part in the fast every year but they don’t go around pretending to be something they are not, lying about their age and religious preferences. The fact that he was Muslim made no difference, he could have been Catholic, Mormon or Sufi just the same. The point is he was NOT Jewish, which is what I happen to be looking for considering I was on a Jewish dating app. He was also a decade below the actual age range I was looking for, another minor nuance.

So to sum it all up, the next asshole that happens to right swipe my profile when they come across it in the queue better not ask me why I don’t smile in my pictures. If you wanna give me something to smile about, try being who you say you are in your profile and maybe not breaking up with your long time girlfriend only the day before contacting me!