Fazes

...Some days I miss you.

Miss the conversations, the good morning texts.

Miss seeing you smile.

Lazing around, and just the calmness you carry.

I get in these fazes and some days pass by like nothing, I miss the restful nights.

Fuck me if I'm wrong but there is no denying we had the foundation for something amazing.

This heaviness that is in chest is prominent but in fazes. So when I say I'm ok. And you question it, I can't tell you why I feel that way. Yet I wonder if this faze will ever subside.

I allowed myself to get close to you...

Allowed you in my heart...

Trusting you.. ..

For a moment I saw a future with you, and now I'm left in and out of fazes missing you.

You match my energy.

You are kind.

I'm still struggling with leaving you behind.

So ya some days I'm not ok.

I'd rather talk to you then anyone else.

What really pisses me off is that I know we could have made it....

I've held on to the wrong people for so long, so many chances and nothing changed.

Held on to broken promises and lost words.

You weren't a faze but I'm stuck in one.

Just wanting to be close to you.

Can you blame me?

The conversations have faded, your response time dwindling.

For the first time in forever I'm not ok.

For the first time in forever I can't stop this emotional rollercoaster.

Anything that’s worth while in life or gives you so such happiness especially when it comes to a partner comes with a certain amount of risk that’s associated with that. You have to let someone in, in order to feel that happiness. Even if it's temporary.

A friend told me,

To close myself off again and become toxic would not only be doing me a huge injustice but will affect those around me as well...

Which is a fair point.

I couldn't give him the one thing he desired.

My love and support wasn't enough.

He gave me everything I needed and more, filling that void that was so prominent in me.

This gut wrenching feeling feeling you slip away...

The texts sparatic. The conversations short.

I miss telling you everything. And I need to stop initiating the conversations, stop with the texts.

Even doing nothing with you was everything.

The sexual chemistry we share.

I'm still struggling here... It just doesn't add up.

Someone who is so good for me, to me and we can't be together.

I'm not built for Tinder.

These on line dating apps

I need a genuine connection, that now I feel I will be forever single, as it has taken me to find someone who matched my energy to draw the calm.

Ok is all I can say, honestly because I'm scared to tell you anything more.

I know you see through me. But ok is all I got right now.

Finding calm in a person is huge.

I had to work on myself, step back, reevaluate.

Baby steps.

Like a puzzle when you finally find that missing piece and that feeling of completion. I completed this by changing what was no longer working for me, changing on my own terms and completely for myself, I don't need anyone to complete me.

Finding those people who just fit naturally was a bonus.

I just want to be able to step back and enjoy these moments, adding to my life.

I'm in no rush, I will enjoy the calm as long as it lasts, working on it for all the right reasons.

I adapt to situations. Some people will say I'm a bitch and hard , some will say I'm sweet and soft. Some will say that my softer side is more dominant now than in the past. For those who knew me back then I haven't lost my edge, I just have no use for that side of me to come and play these days. To those who thought they broke me...

I have pieced myself back together better than ever. You can hold on to the old version of me, because this new one deserves respect, you took me for granted assuming I would stick around, fighting your own chaos and trying to drag me down. Never will I allow anyone to bring out the worst in me...

My intentions are pure as well as my heart.

No longer do I desire to fight chaos.

One day I will be more than just ok. I'll get there ...