I was listening to music on my Spotify account when a specific song came on. I didn't remember adding it to my playlist before, but I remembered the song as soon as I heard it. It was "Everything I Need" by Skylar Grey.
I just heard it, and I had to loop the song, because the lyrics made me think so strongly of you. It's because of that, there are just some things I need to tell you.
"I know there's pain in your heart, and you're covered in scars. Wish you could see what I do."
We've talked so much about you, and how you see yourself. You've told me your insecurities, and the areas where you think you fall short. I know there's just so much you want to change about yourself, both physically, and as a person. I get that. No person is without their own insecurities, and that includes you. I understand looking at yourself and wanting to make changes for yourself to feel good.
But it breaks my heart to hear you talk about yourself in such a negative way. It goes past wanting to "improve" on things. Sometimes, I just wish I could show you how beautiful are, inside and out, through MY eyes.
"I'm a stick."
"I wish I was bigger."
"I need to fix my body."
You've said things like this so many times, and I wish I could make you see that there's nothing about you to "fix." And, I know it's just my opinion, but I think that your physical body is great. You're not "a stick." You're beautifully lean with enough muscle definition to be just right. Not too little, not too much, just enough. If I'm being honest, I have to keep myself from staring when you slip off your shirt to get in bed while we're on facetime. From the broadness of your shoulders to the slight curve of your back as it slips to your waist, to the defined v-line on your hips. Your body is honestly gorgeous to me.
"I'm too hairy."
"I hate my chest hair."
"I look gross."
I don't think it looks gross. You aren't "too hairy." You're perfectly fine. You know this about me, that I don't tend to like chest hair. To me, it tends to look unkempt and dirty. On you, though, it's different. It's masculine, and it's sexy. It's a feature of yours that I strangely love, and I can't explain why exactly. It doesn't look gross or dirty, and as a plus, I know it isn't because you take so much care in your hygiene.
"I'm so ugly."
"I look like a foot."
"I'm really not." [whenever I call you cute]
I hate it when you say these things about yourself. To hear you be so self-deprecating, and know that you think you're unattractive, both hurts and confuses me. Honestly, you have one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen.
Your eyes are my favorite part, I think. I stare at them sometimes, even when you aren't looking at me, but, when you are looking at me, there's no way in hell I can look away. I can't even really figure out why. Maybe it's how pretty that particular shade of brown is, or the way it shifts to a perfect amber in the sun. Or maybe it's how big and expressive they are every time I look at them, speaking things that you can't verbalize, but you feel. OR, maybe it's how they almost disappear when you smile really wide and laugh, almost like they're smiling too.
Your lips are just so perfect. They're not too big, but also not too small. They're the right size for the rest of your facial features, not to mention, they're soft. Every time you kiss my forehead or my hand, I can feel how soft they are. I also love the way they part when you smile, showing your teeth. And, yes, I know you didn't always have straight teeth, and it's something you hate. But, I don't care. Your smile is beautiful, and I know that, even if I saw what your teeth looked like before, it would be just as beautiful, because they're yours.
Your nose is, for lack of a better word, cute. It just is. It's perfect for your face (everything is perfect for your face honestly, which is why I keep saying that about everything). When you press a kiss to my temple, I can feel it brush my skin and it's endearing in a way. And there's a reason I always "boop" you. Your nose is "boop"-able, and it's adorable, even if you continue to tell me it's not.
And, I know that these are just my opinions. But, oh, how I wish you could see yourself the way I do. A couple of times, you've even asked me, "what's wrong?" because you caught me staring at you. And, I'm never ashamed to admit that I'm just looking at you to look at you, to which you always laugh at in a confused way. Is it because you're asking "Why would you want to look at me?" Well, I can tell you that there are a lot of reasons.
But Beyond What You Look Like Physically...
You're just as amazing on the inside. No, really you are. I understand you want to disagree with me. You've told me time and time again how you're "just" yourself and nothing all that special. You've told me how, when we first met, you thought I didn't like you, and that you were just a nuisance to me. Now, when we look back and have "I'm so thankful we're friends" conversations, I can't help but notice you still have a bit of confusion as to why I love you so much. So, again, I wish you could see things my way. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.
Because when I look at you, I see one of the most ambitious and aspirational people I know.
You have this want to do something with your life, something important. You dream so big and reach so high, because you want the best out of life and truly believe you can get it. Your imagination is just so boundless, but with enough structure that you know exactly what you want.
More than that, I see someone with the willingness to work to get there.
No one works harder than you do, at least in my opinion. Since I've known you, you've never stopped thinking about how to improve yourself, never stopped looking for opportunities to grow. You've never stopped moving forward. You've never stopped wanting more, wanting the best. And you don't just want the best for you. You want the best for other people too.
But, even with all that ambition, I see someone who isn't selfish.
You want to bring other people up. You want to open opportunities for others to allow them to succeed, too. With everything you want to achieve, it would be easy to step on others, and want everything just for you. But, no. For you, you aren't satisfied with success if you can't bring those important to you with you to the top. If there isn't enough space at the top, you make space. You build a platform, and then reach down to help others join you there. All because you want people to be happy, and to attain their own dreams while you attain yours.
I see someone who genuinely cares about other people.
You've mentioned how cold you can be. You've questioned yourself so many times about whether you're too harsh. You point out how many people you've cut off, and how many people you've let go. But you aren't as heartless as you claim, and you aren't as freezing cold as you think. Because you DO care about people. I've seen you care about people, and I've experienced that care. You're specific with the people you care about—we both know why—but those specific people are the luckiest people in the world. Those people have someone who would move mountains for them, who would do anything to protect their peace, and who want nothing more than to see them happy and thriving. You care in the purest form, and in such volume that sometimes it even hurts you because of how much you care.
All the things I've described... how can you say that that's "nothing"? Or that you aren't "anything special"? Yes, you may be "just" yourself... but that is so much more than you think. I wish you could see that. I wish with all my heart that you could see that. But since I can't put you in my head, I guess I'll have to settle for reminding you all the time instead.
"You never thought you'd be much good for anyone, but that's so far from the truth."
This line hurt. Honestly, it did. Because it reminded me so much of some of the conversations we've had before, regarding you being "good enough" for things. You've called me drunk before, apologizing for not being "enough," and for not "doing enough" for me as a friend. We've talked a million times about your fears when it comes to your relationship, and somehow the issue always boils down to "What if I'm not good enough for her, and she doesn't want me anymore?" And it breaks my heart, and boggles my mind how you could ever think you weren't good enough. So, I have to tell you this, and I'll tell you a million times.
You are enough.
You have always been enough.
You are an absolutely amazing friend.
There is nothing I am more thankful for than the fact that I have the privilege of knowing and being your friend. I have the privilege of being someone that you love and care about. The privilege of knowing that when you say you'll be there for me, you mean it. Because people always say they'll be there, but you've shown it.
Through the roughest parts of my life, days where all I did was cry my eyes out, and I was suffocating in pain, you were there. You never made me feel less than or weak for being emotional. You looked at me trying to hide tears, trying to run away, and you grabbed me instead, holding me in place, and letting me cry into your shirt. You held me together when every part of me wanted to fall apart, and you did it because it hurt you too to see me that way.
You've been there through the best parts of my life thus far, too. Smiled and laughed along with me, looked like a fool next to me as we celebrated this and that. You've been the cause of so many beautiful, exciting days.
I couldn't ask for more in a friend. So when you call me and apologize for "not being enough," I can't accept that. Because you ARE enough. You always have been.
And, even if you don't feel it, you are more than enough when it comes to being a good boyfriend.
You've gone the extra mile—no, extra MILES—to be a good boyfriend. I have never seen someone so devoted and so loving. From the way you talk about her, to the way you nurture her and pamper her, to the way you give her endless support. You put her first, which is something half the female population is always raging on about and complaining about. Its always been about her and making her happy.
Even when you're struggling, you put her and her feelings first. Even when being there to support her meant hurting yourself, you swallowed your own pain. You've said it before, rather uncomfortably, that you've "done everything for her." And, you have. You really, really have.
And, I know that you're afraid to lose her. I know your fears of her not thinking you're good enough or just not enough in general. But, honestly, I don't care about her opinion. I know you can't help but care about it, but I just don't. Because regardless of what she thinks of you, I know you're enough. Regardless of what ANYONE thinks of you... you're enough, and you always have been enough and you always will be enough.
"You can say I'm wrong [...] but I am here to stay. Like the sea, she keeps kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times he pushes her away."
I am here to stay. I promised that before, and I'm repeating it now. I know that just my opinions won't change your mind. I know that me telling you how amazing you are isn't going to magically make you believe it. I don't care. Because I will always be here to remind you. I will always fight for you to see yourself as the amazing, wonderful, beautiful person you are. That's a battle I will never get tired of, no matter how many times I have to fight it.
And maybe one day, you'll see what I see.