Eternal love?

I love him so much that it hurts but yet I hate him so much that it hurts. What I wouldn’t do for one last kiss or one last hug. It’s crazy when you really think about it because how can you go from loving someone whole heartedly to absolutely hating them?

Let’s start from the beginning shall we! I met this amazing guy or who I thought was amazing at the time! I fell in love with him because of how he treated me and cared for me. It all started with a simple little sentence “can I do something spontaneous?” And then a kiss. This kiss had me melt and it was almost instant, we clicked and just knew we were meant for each other.

We gave each other three amazing years filled with butterfly kisses, hugs and support along with endless love. This man is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and create a life with, we talked about starting a family and marriage and let’s not forget looking at houses.

That is until one day my whole world came crashing down! One week I just felt him pulling away and instantly got super confused because everything was going so great!!! We didn’t argue or fight and we didn’t have problems at home but little did I know that he was pulling away for a reason. He got a call from his doctor and now has some medical problems that I’m not gonna get into for privacy reasons but the same day he found out about these we will say problems, he broke up with me.

At first he said this is just a pause we’re gonna take a pause and when you press pause you eventually have to press play and why wouldn’t I believed him? He never lied before so why start now right? I guess I was just oblivious to the fact that there was more to it then I thought.

Now jump back to today, we have now been broken up for a month and it’s not getting any easier. He is moving on and told me I should do the same. Ouch that hurts because even through everything I still love him and would do anything to be able to work it out with him but I can’t force someone to love me as much as I would love to be able to.

So I’m going to try to move on and pick up all the pieces but I don’t want to. I feel like if one more person breaks my heart that I’m gonna turn cold hearted so I’ve decided not to look for another boyfriend and to just focus on myself and to figure who I am! I got this!

Now jump to two month down the road here we are still separated when he tells me he’s going to move in some friends to help pay rent when I move out. Fair enough right? Wrong!!! Not only did he move two people into the apartment before I even had the chance to move out but those two people were females!!! One of which was his new girlfriend who has the same name as me along with her daughter. Ouch!!! This is all so unreal that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it!! Was I not good enough to keep as a girlfriend or was our relationship just built on lies.

I watched him move on with this new girl and I watched him do things for her that he would never have done for me in a million years. I am hurt and heartbroken that he would even do this to me. I fell in love with a complete stranger who I thought I knew and loved. After three years of dating this man I never thought I would be questioning myself and everything I believed in!

I won’t let him stop me from finding my happiness!! We all deserve to be happy right!!! So I will get up and brush myself off and re build my life. I finally moved out of his apartment and got my own place which in my option is much better then that run down apartment he is living in. I lost myself during this time but I am slowly finding myself again. I love myself and who I am! No one can stop me now or knock me back down!!! I will continue to grow and prosper without him. You can only love so much and hold on for so long before you just can’t anymore.