Escaping Stephen

How many times did I try to escape Stephen? In my mind it was 1000s, when in reality I was no more than an insecure, frightened girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved.

Stephen and I met in grade school. He was quiet, and sweet, yet loved to indulge in my wild spontaneous adventures. I got a smug satisfaction out of knowing he couldn't keep up with me but still wanted nothing more than to be by my side.

Shortly after graduation I fell pregnant with his child. Something inside me knew there was something not quite right about Stephen, but I ignored my intuition because the people around me thought he was perfect. I was wild, feisty and free. He was calm, calculated and charming.

Stephen and I didn't have a ton of extra money given we had quite the alcohol and marijuana habit but we made things work. Before Our child was born we got married and things quickly went from being slightly sane, to downright insanity almost overnight.

Living in the Big city of Vancouver B.C. it was easy to get myself into trouble and Stephen knew my history in the sex trade. I was used to going out on my own, meeting new people at coffee shops and keeping up with acquaintances. Once we were married the phone calls started. He would check up on me every hour, at first I thought it was kind of cute someone could care so much about me and our unborn child. Those calls quickly grew old and when confronted he told me how its just his anxieties and it would be much easier on him if I stayed home or with him until the baby was born. A little irritated I understood and made an effort to spend my time with him and keep up with friends over the phone.

One afternoon When I was about 7 months pregnant I got a phone call from my childhood best friend Lacy. She said she was worried about me and just wanted to grab a coffee close to home to make sure things were alright. Stephan was napping so I wrote him a note I would be home in an hour and to call me if he needed anything. He must have known when I left because I got home exactly an hour later to the lights out and Stephan sitting at the kitchen table. "Who were you fucking today, Violet?" Stephan whispered to me. "Seriously? I was out with Lacy, I gave up the trade you know that." I replied slightly irritated. This wasn't the first time I had been accused of sleeping with others. I went to my favorite little black book to get some writing done and to clear my head. Stephen calmly sauntered into our room and put his hand over my writing. "I hope you aren't writing about me, Violet" Stephen said strangely. Something inside me knew I should run. Stephen picked up my journal and began to read. "Today I was accused of cheating on Stephen, I cant believe he can be so insecure" - Whap! The moleskin leather felt hot across my face. "Get on the bed Violet" Stephen said firmly. I didn't move. I was scared. I wasn't sure what was happening. His hand came down around my hair and I was suddenly straddled underneath him on our king-size bed. My belly wasn't huge yet, but large enough to be worried about with his weight. I heard the click of his pocket knife and thought to myself what in the hell do I do? I was too scared to fight knowing I couldn't over power him so all I could do was submit. He traced my neck with the backside of his blade claiming to be looking for "evidence" of someone else. He undid the buttons on my blouse as he inspected every inch of my upper body. When he got to my waistline he told me not to make a sound as he slid off my trousers. I felt humiliated. Humiliated that I couldn't fight, couldn't scream, that I was at his complete mercy. He slid his thumbs in and out of me mumbling to himself how I'm his. then I felt the cold steel of his blade about to enter my body. He stopped and said "remember who you belong to Violet". Then got up and tossed my trousers on top of my exposed belly. I felt paralyzed.

I was 7 months pregnant, no job, and no money of my own - Stephen was in control. I started fantasizing about getting a little place of my own for me and the baby off the grid a little bit. I tried reaching out to women's help resources but it was too difficult as Stephen had my Phone passwords and took control of the vehicle and finances. I couldn't bare to let anyone close to me know what he had done. They would never believe that sweet, calculated Stephen could ever get Wild feisty Violet to submit that way. I had the baby, stayed home, and did my best to keep from triggering Stephen. Things escalated slowly, Sex demands, what T.V. shows were aloud, music only in the afternoon. I was so ashamed and embarrassed by what I let go, I continued this cycle for years praying for a miracle. Baby Ella was getting older now. She had just turned 3 and Stephen had always been good to her, all he needed to do for me to listen was give a look. Ella was becoming more curious and self willed as the years got by and I could see Stephens actions becoming more aggressive with her. His body language, how he would pick her up and "throw" her on the bed. It was one thing to let things go with me but there was no way I could see him hurt her. I kept imagining him getting into a state and "accidently" throwing her so hard into a wall she wouldn't wake up. We had to get out, for real this time.

Although I was never able to speak about the things I endured, Writing was a way for me to tell someone. I told my black book everything. I had no money and was too scared to talk to anyone however I did manage to slip my black book to Lacy one evening after an excruciating night in bed with Stephen. She happened to stop in quickly to check on things which she did once every 6 months or so now. I wasn't beat up but there was still blood on my legs and my face was red and puffy when she came to the door. Stephen came too and said I was sick and to ignore me, that I was delusional and just got my period. Lacy knew there was something very wrong and asked to see Ella. Ella was sleeping although Stephen said "you can come say goodnight to her but you have to get going, I don't want you catching Violets cold". Lacy agreed and I had a chance. I pretended to go to the washroom and got my little black book from above the middle left ceiling tile. I slipped my book into her bag as we hugged goodnight and she left.

My book contained everything. All my fears, the whys, and the wonts. Going to bed that night I was anxious, excited, nervous, scared all in one. I thought about how maybe she would rescue me and Ella or how police could come banging down the door and arrest him. Although neither of those happened. A week went by and nothing. No word from Lacy, no black book, just Stephen Ella and I. A few days later there was a knock at the door. No one was there. an hour later another knock. Still no one was there. Stephen was starting to become enraged and I was starting to get scared. I took Ella to her room and planned to spend the afternoon in there. 15 minutes another knock. Stephen went outside to investigate. while he was outside there was another knock. I went to the door and there was a note. It said to look for a little black book. I ran to the bathroom and checked the middle left ceiling tile. There was an orange envelope with me and Ella's name on it. Inside, $20,000 cash, a credit card with lacys name, Lacys ID, and my little black book. What was going on? I thought to myself. Why would Lacy do this? Why wouldn't she call the police and why would she bring this here where Stephen could find it?

I had to find out. That night While Stephen was sleeping, I took the envelope from Lacy, packed a small bag with some things for me and Ella and snuck out of the house without a phone. We walked to the nearest Payphone and tried to call Lacy but it went straight to voicemail. I called a cab to take me to a hotel near Horshoe bay So we could catch the first ferry to the Island to see Lacys mom. With Lacys credit card, and ID I was able to secure a room and Start on Escaping Stephen. That Envelope enabled the courage to get out of the house and begin a new chapter of life. The fight was far from over and Stephen never stops. Thanks to my little black book, and Lacy I might have a chance to be rid of him for good. Let my battle Begin.