Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Emotional Affair: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the relationship.”

There is no way around it, being the target of bullies' suck. It’s only worsened when you’re at school that cares little or doesn’t even notice that you are being bullied. My fortunes put me in a school that focused on just academics. If you wanted to take art, you could up until the 6th grade before they took it away. Did you want to take a language that wasn’t German or Spanish in middle school, Then you better transfer to another school. This school didn’t prepare you for high school, as much as it prepared you for college. In the 5th grade my class had to write an essay about the Louisiana Purchase, from the point of view of Thomas Jefferson anouldy was going to be submitted to a real live competition. Did I mention the teacher made it mandatory?

Years later old classmates have attested to having anxiety because of the stress of that school. It’s great that we could write a 6 page essay with no problem but became anxious about what our grades would be. Even the grading scale was different. At a normal school a 90% won you an A. At our school a 90% earned you a B grade. This caused much distress for many people. So being a teenager, your body is changing, you're at a very stressful school and they consider you the weird kid. This became my recurring nightmare in the first circle of my personal hell.

I was black, and awkward. I watched Anime, and crime shows with my parents. I read books almost all day. I could not wear makeup. (It was against school rules and my mother said no) The primary group I used to hang out was with the other black girls in my grade and my tormentors happened to be.... everyone. Mostly everyone, some people just ignored me. But even the people who I hung out with made fun of me and the reason being that I was ‘weird’ and ‘too much’. Despite what every after school special says, some bullies are not from broken homes and are lashing out. A lot of them are simple shallow cowards. And I never once expected an apology from any of them, because I saw myself as the problem.

Fast forward to High School Graduation. I graduated with minimal drama and what some would say, by the skin of my teeth. My goals for the summer was to find a job and take a summer class to help prepare me for college. (Introduction to college reading is borderline useless when you were 8 years old and read the hobbit and 13 years old when you read through The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice) Someone who I’ve known since elementary school popped up into my field of vision. He wanted to catch up and talk. We had been through elementary, middle school, and high school together. We didn’t do much talking, considering he used to be friends with the people who used to make a sport of getting me angry. Conversation was stilted until I asked him why he was even bothering.

As stated before, I never asked for or expected an apology or even an acknowledgement that what they did was wrong and almost drove me to suicide. I thought no one noticed when I left class to cry in the nurses' office or the bathroom. Or even when I started missing school because I couldn’t get myself through the days anymore. Apparently he noticed.

He said nothing bad against me, his crime was being a bystander to it all. He was afraid of them turning on him if he tried to protect me. This is a valid fear when you're young but someone still suffered for it. But the omission that what he did was wrong, made me feel a thousand times better.

We spent nights talking to each other, and the conversation shifted to him admitting that he always found me beautiful. This eventually grew into attraction. We had our first date watching “The Hangover 3 and our first intimate moment in his car in a church parking lot. He dropped me off at home, the hormones cleared, I realized that I technically made out with my childhood bully. In a church. Parking lot. Any victim of bullying who now has anxiety their brain is screaming: ‘Was that a prank? He was pranking me right? One last hurrah before he leaves state? Didn’t he say-”

He texted me back after dropping me off and said he had a wonderful time and wanted to see me again. He wasn’t ready for a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me. And we did. After a few times of meeting up, I found myself naked in bed with him. We didn’t have sex, but he just wanted to cuddle and just be. Moments like that made me slowly but surely fall in love, but we both had other plans. He wanted to stay somewhat single, and I started dating someone who he kept saying was ‘probably good for me’.

Emotional Affairs are worse than physical. Physical, you have the excuse of saying, ‘you weren't satisfied’, ‘you were bored’ but emotional means saying ‘I fell in love with someone else’ or ‘I love someone else more than you.’ This was before I was poly and realized I could have my cake and eat it. But even if I did, neither person was into ethical non-monogamy, which led to something worse than me sleeping with him. Cause how do you say no, to just talking to the person who gave you your first orgasm on your birthday, held your hand and calmed you down when you didn’t know what was happening? We just talked a lot.

This ran afoul of my relationship because while there was nothing too explicit. I kept the more ‘adult’ conversations on a separate platform. It didn’t help and hastened the end to our relationship. He felt guilty, and we fell out of contact. We didn’t talk again until I saw him with him in a new relationship

(An emotional affair is sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart . An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment.)

I learned my lesson with messing with men who were tied down. The flirting was intentional, but I thought he was unattached. The college had put on a masquerade ball, I was high on confidence and adrenaline; I recognized him and slid up next to him. We did the pleasantries, caught up, and I suggested that he took me home early. Before he could answer, an unknown girl grabbed his arm and held his hand. She didn’t seem to hear what I had said or what he didn’t say. But we were introduced, and then I left.

Things got flipped for us. I was single, and he had met his soulmate. We began talking again, and he dropped that word on me. I asked him why he felt the need to tell me. Just saying she was his girlfriend was enough for me to walk away. But it felt pushed at me as if he was trying to convince himself that it was true, and that he was happy with just her. We kept just talking and found both of ourselves slipping, but not willing to break the rules. And this girl did not want to let go of him for anything. I noticed that when he fell asleep during a conversation; she jumped onto the account and began talking with me. A few basic questions about who I am, thinly veiled with contempt.

She had every reason to hate me. Even if he wasn’t sneaking off to see me, he kept me somewhat close to his own heart, where she was supposed to be. Regardless, I kept to my morality of not instigating anything physical.

Months later he asked me to a movie. He offered to pay for the movie and wanted to pick me up. I picked Rise of the Guardians because I had wanted to see it for the longest time. The best part about a movie being a flop was that the theater was empty for it. We sat in the front together, and as it progressed, he asked if I would lay my head on his lap. I was still under the impression that he was in a relationship, and some physical contact, in an empty theater wasn’t bad. Right? I leaned my head down and played with my hair, and even covered me up with his coat.

It was the most awkward position I've ever been in while watching a movie, but I didn’t want to leave the spot. After the movie ended I was even more confused, and a sympathetic friend pointed out that it sounded like we had been on a date. Looking up at him from his lap, he had this mixed expression of pure joy but sadness in his eyes, but he never said what was wrong.

Signs of an Emotional affair:

(You are withdrawing from your significant other.)

He texted me later, asking if he had kissed me would I have kissed him back. I was still aware of the fact that his girlfriend looked through his messages. Even if I did, I didn’t want her to think I would do that.

( You are preoccupied and daydream about your “friend” more and more.)

I didn’t want to say no and lie, so I stayed neutral. “You can’t ask me that.” He admitted that he messed up before and everything came flooding back for him when he touched me for the first time in 2 years. That he remembered what we had.

(You are not interested in being as intimate with your significant other, either emotionally or sexually)

I caved in and told him I did still have feelings for him and that’s when the conversation changed. His girlfriend had gotten on and saw our conversations and saw what we were talking about. She immediately accused me of purposely trying to ruin their relationship. I even tried explaining that he was the one who had asked me to the movie, and I was crying on the other end while trying to defend what I said. Everything seemed muddled, I couldn't tell if he had set me up, or that he was trying to cheat. The worst being I didn’t know If the message sent was even him. She believed me when I showed proof but then told me to never speak to her or him again.

(The amount of time you and your significant other spend together is less.)

Later, he finally explained to me what was going on. They had broken up 2 months prior to everything. She didn’t take it well but because they were on the lease for the apartment neither could just leave. She invited guys over to make him jealous and during this time he never thought to mention to me he was single. He was just happy to talk to someone.

(When confronted about the possible emotional affair, you respond angrily, “We’re just friends.”)

I remember seeing him one more time and we actually had sex finally. But it was the first of the last. He was the person who hid what was happening in his life. The person who took the detention for falling asleep rather than just tell the teacher that his parents were getting a divorced and it was keeping him up at night. He would rather self-destruct rather than just let out. He was a kind person.

He passed away. He took himself out of the equation And it left a mark with me. It felt like all the secrets and pretending to not care what the other was doing was for nothing. We spent all that time trying to do the right thing and it was a waste of time.

(You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again)

2 years ago his ex contacted me, drunk. And just wanted to know if he had ever cheated on her with me. I did what he couldn’t, I exploded, all the hurt, and grief, that his death caused came out. She had gotten married and had a child, and he was never coming back, but she was more preoccupied about if he was faithful.

I was honest. We never kissed, touched or even made plans to do anything while he dated her. He did right by her by ending it before we got to that point. I never got to go to his funeral because I was sure that she would attempt to claw my eyes out for showing up.

No one really wins in an emotional affair. There isn’t an apology good enough to make up for having lingering feelings for another person. You either fully commit to it, or you bury how you feel and do your best to move on.

There is some guilt in not telling her that there was no physical affair but just purely emotional. The guy who used to be part of a pack of bullies, grew up, saw what he did, tried to right his wrong and fell for the person who used to hate him. The only solace got from her is hearing her admit: “He really liked you.”

She didn’t even know half of it.

(You keep the depths of your friendship a secret from your significant other.)