Emotional Abuse Didn’t Look How I Thought It Would

I met Liam* my junior year of college after I had gotten back from studying abroad, and was going through a serious depression. I was hopelessly in love with a man I had met while abroad and solely focused on him. Liam and I became friends when I returned for my senior year, I was going to therapy and working through my depression and anxiety. We connected over our complicated love lives. I liked him. He was easy to talk to and I didn’t feel like I needed to try and impress him because he was so accepting. He also had some major hangups about relationships based on his past. I pushed any idea of us being together out of my mind and figured we would just be friends.

I had one idea of what abuse was, and so even though there were things that did not feel right, I never thought about it at the moment. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence defines psychological abuse as trauma to the victim caused by verbal abuse, acts, threats of acts, or coercive tactics. I still feel as if I did not really experience trauma, but I did make decisions in my relationship that did not make me happy, just for him. I would not tell him if he said something to upset me or if he offended me. He was extremely self-critical and took any sort of disagreement or criticism, no matter how trivial or minute, to heart and would beat himself up about it. I worried about his feelings while ignoring my own. I felt I was in a good place emotionally and mentally. I could handle little annoyances, most of them were little.

I set it up very early in our relationship that I did not want to continue the relationship past my graduation in May. I wanted to keep things casual, we would spend time together and enjoy each other while we were in the same place. He was not going to graduate with me and would stay in our college town after I moved away. I laid this all out for him, and he agreed and said it was fine. I quickly found out he could not do a casual relationship, and I was not great at it either. We spent a lot of time together, I really liked him. I felt comfortable around him. He was extremely supportive. He would tell me I was beautiful, smart, and capable. He did not belittle me, so I didn’t think I was being abused. He did, however, make hurtful comments about my past experiences and relationships. Some of which hurt, but I wrote it off as harmless jealousy.

Liam would make comments about how I was only with him until I could go back to the guy I met while abroad. No matter how many times I told him throughout our relationship, he never believed me. I spent our entire relationship trying to convince him I spent time with him because I truly liked him. He wasn’t a placeholder.

I don’t know how many times I had to stay awake late into the night on the phone with him trying to convince him I cared about him. I knew the relationship was bad, but I could not leave him. I worried about what he would do to himself. I felt responsible for his happiness and figured I would stay with him until I felt he would be able to handle a break-up. I did enjoy spending time with him and loved him as a person. I excused his jealousy and trust issues as consequences of his depression, it was not his fault.

Two times in our relationship I truly worried about his safety. Whenever I suggested that we stop seeing each other he would say that he ruined everything for everyone. He said he would die so that I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Once, when I actually did get up the courage to truly break up with him he ended up in the hospital from taking an excessive amount of painkillers. I should have stayed away from him, but I worried about him and really wanted him to be ok.

I would stay with him and take care of him and eventually, he would get better and we could have a good relationship or be able to move on. Right? I had convinced myself I could dedicate my life to this man who I was afraid of breaking.

The end began with a dumb disagreement about how he liked living in rural areas and I liked cities. We were on the phone and I told him I didn’t want him to live somewhere he hated just for me. He said I didn’t love him as much as he loved me because I wouldn’t change what I wanted for him. I don’t remember everything he said, he got pretty mean and I’m thankful my brain has blocked it out. He threatened me with his life. He gave me an ultimatum, do what he said or he would end his life. I told him I wouldn’t do what he asked and somehow got him to calm down. This happened sometime in the middle of the night. I barely and woke up the next morning feeling numb. I knew that I couldn’t go through a night like that again.

I called him and broke up with him. He was apologetic and said he didn’t mean it, he wasn’t serious. I said it was too much to deal with and I wouldn’t be held responsible for his happiness or his life. He said he wanted to end his life I said I was sorry and that I just wanted him to be happy.

After breaking up with him I saw a therapist and she said that I was in an abusive relationship. I had not thought of it like that at all. To me, it didn’t seem like he ever tried to hurt me. Looking back on it I can see he used himself as a way to hurt me. By hurting and threatening himself, he hurt me. I stayed with him because I cared about him and worried about what he would do to himself if I didn’t.

I haven’t had any contact with him in months. While I do understand the relationship was not healthy, I still can’t see him as a purposefully manipulative or a terrible person. He has his issues to work through. I do truly hope that he finds happiness and is able to let go of the things that hold onto him. I have learned and grown so much from this experience. I am a stronger woman and I will be held responsible for anyone else’s happiness.