Eighteen Years of Wasted Time

Eighteen years of wasted time…

I first met him. He was charming, fun, attractive. I was into him; he was into me. I found someone to hang out with, I was twenty-two, he was twenty-one. I was happy having fun with him. I thought he was happy having fun with me.

I and he became we. Said the words that bond hearts. We decided to do more than have fun together. One year of valued time. Thought we would add a new life, that life was not meant to be. We were sad. We were happy with each other, didn’t try again.

Two, Three years of love and time. She came almost three months early, just Four pounds of her. We waited and watched. We became an us, a family. Ours is complete, happy.

Four years of us brought another, unexpected she. Happy healthy always crying she. Four almost five years of a mostly happy us, two small girls tend to cause sleepless nights a dirty house and on edge parents. We were parents.

Six years of family time. Life gets hard and less happy when there is no work. We became less us and more money. I hate money. I drink more.

Seven and eight years of crazy time, a relocated family finds us broke and with yet another to keep for ourselves, this time a boy. A happy baby boy. We are both working, less on us more for money. He is no longer with us he claims his life is on hold until we relocate back home. He abandons us and me emotionally and physically even though we are still all living together. I am no longer an us. I am lonely and alone. I find a temporary replacement. I made a mistake.

Nine and ten years of reflection and remorse. I try to mend the us that I feel I broke. He is still he but agrees to try to be an us again. We go home. I am I; He is he; they are children. I love the children, not sure he does. He never spends time with them or me.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, years of barely us, there’s work, there are kids, there’s no communication. He is always on his phone. I hate cell phones. He tells me he’s found another online and wants me to raise our kids while he dates her, and we all live in the same house. I respond with words I cannot write and tell him after all this time put into making an us, her or me. He chooses me. We slowly try to become us again. We go out, he is romantic, he is charming, he and I are we.

Sixteen, seventeen, years of companionship and family. I accidentally click on his email instead of mine on the main computer, I have done it before. I just quick click over to mine, our names are right next to each other. My eyes saw something I did not want to see. He gets many emails from many sites for dating. I didn’t, I couldn’t, look away. He’s at it again. Correction He never stopped. I find correspondence all the way back to right after we were we again. I invade his privacy further and go through all these sites with his not ever deleted full conversations with girls as young as twenty. He is forty. I start printing all this betrayal, I even print profiles he has set up complete with pictures of himself and conversations saying that his ex, Me, is all kinds of… rude things to say.

Seventeen and a half years of lying time together. He still is charming and romantic, and full of crap. He is very good at placating me. I give him every opportunity to come clean. I do more at home, I do more in the bed, I just do more. Minutes after a bedroom adventure he is texting one of those girls. I am always in his email, printing. He adds tinder and many other dating sites to his phone. I go through it. I add myself to one of these sites as a younger girl. I start chatting with him. He does not know its me. He is slowly falling in love with her/me. I wait for another day for him to tell me he is in love. I wait and save money on the side. I build more against him. I raise my children. He is always on his phone. He and I are no longer a we, or an us. He is a He and always has been.

Eighteen years of wasted time. I am happy having fun at his expense. I will ruin him. He will be alone and lonely soon… more to come…