Ebb & Flow

If you were to Google “define best friend” it would give you a little sentence that states “a person’s closest friend”. If you were to ask a diverse group of people their own definition, do you think it would be the same? A 14 year old girl is going to have her “BFF” just as much as a 75 year old woman whose “bestie” may not be with her anymore but “she will always be here in spirit”. The person they did everything with. The person that was their first call and gossip to. The person who they could air their dirty laundry to and still be loved. It’s true. That person is the closest person to them. That person would be the first person they call when their life had somehow fallen apart. That person would know them before they even knew themselves.

To me, the definition of “best friend” means something different. This person is not just someone you want to see everyday. Make plans with. Memories, even. This person is not just who everyone decides is attached on the other end of the umbilical cord like it’s common knowledge. This person is not just who you would hide a dead body for.

A best friend is someone who has put in the time, effort, pain, growth, and healing into your friendship. They have never once seen the alternative as an option. Maybe they have tried, but never succeeded. A best friend is someone who is always there for you, even if they do not agree with you. A best friend is someone who after a hiatus of not talking, somehow communication happens and you’re right back where you were before. Stronger and loving one another for it. Still cannot imagine your life without them because honestly, life without them is pure hell. A best friendship is never going to be 100% positive. Friends come and go, but a best friend is the one who decides to stay through thick and thin, all the arguments, the tug of wars, and the dark times. They are your person. They’ve invested themselves and worked for that title and they never intend on losing it.

My person and I haven’t always sailed the smoothest friendship seas. Our lives separately have always been... tumultuous. I’ve always wondered if we’ve met at the wrong time. He was going through some seriously stressful stuff while I went through uprooting my whole life to the other side of our state, which is not all Seattle if you know what I mean. Even miles apart, we were there for one another. Even when we needed to step away, even when we never wanted to. It always seemed that life was against us and we stood together holding hands in the embers and smoke at the very end, until next time. You can imagine all of the emotions put on you in high stress, high risk of depression situations like that. Especially when you both realize in the midst of the hurricane, you love your person. That you’re falling in love with them even though love was the last thing you thought you’d discover there.

Best friends are never afraid to tell the truth to their person because they want the best for them. Doesn’t always mean you will still be compatible. However, your best friend still has love for you. Even when they don’t want to. They will still tell you the truth, sentences you don’t want to hear, and all the other hard to swallow things you need to toughen up. In these last three and a half years, I look back along the chapters and the simplest response flashes through my mind like a billboard sign.

“I would do it all over again.”

I wouldn’t change a thing. I have had an amazing relationship with my person. My person has taught me so much about myself that I never even knew I needed to discover in the first place. He has opened my eyes to these new ways to love myself. He has shown me that I deserve better for myself as well. He has shown me that I have always been good enough because he accepted me for me. Why couldn’t I do the that for myself? He has shown me that I myself am worthy of the love I give to others. Why didn’t I know that? He has shown me that I am capable of the greatest kind of love because I have felt it with him. I have felt that spark, that connection, the rush of the waves crashing into me.

My person has never been myself. Until him.

What he has shown me, what we have gone through, the heartache and the tug of war, the push away only to come back.... is that I am resilient. I have been through the worst kind of love that anyone could go through. The painful love that brutally strums your heartstrings. The kind of love that you have to tell yourself for as long as I have “I know what the truth is, it’s just never going to happen!”. Or my absolute favorite, “I’d love to be friends but something tells me that’s not going to happen”. Yet, it’s also the pain that is immediately followed by growth and healing. These last three and a half years, I have loved him with every fiber in my being. I have loved him even when he was less than loving. He has loved me no matter what. He’s taught me selfishness and loyalty and patience, even if I am not very good at it. He’s taught me to put myself first and I deserve better, and in believing that he walks away. He’s walked away so I could love myself more than I ever have before. I have torn myself apart to feel the pain. The growth. The healing. I have blossomed into becoming my own best friend again. One who doesn’t take any crap from any man, even him. One who is confident in her own body no matter the changes. One who doesn’t just say she loves herself, but feels it too. He has made me love myself whole as I am stuck in this current between him and the Universe. I deserve better. I deserved better, even from myself.

However, as low tide creeps down, it’s only just a matter of time before it ravishes the shore once again. It’s inevitable. It rises and the force of the water crashing along the shore is the same feeling I have when I hear his voice again. When I see his eyes for the first time in weeks. When I smell his cologne on me hours later. It’s pulled so far back until it’s almost nonexistent, and then before you know it, you’re drowning in waves of an emotional tsunami. You’re overwhelmed as each wave of loneliness, “what if”, and desperation force you to swallow the hard salty truth.

You are not YOU without your person.

What do you do when your safe place is not your safe place anymore?

In some situations I believe the Universe blesses us with best friends that are permanent but are not always meant to stand by your side. Until you’re strong enough to stand up on your own, that is. I know he is focused on his journey as well. I would not have been able to do that this soon in my journey without him and I am so grateful. I am so grateful he has showed me this opportunity to fall in love with myself all over again. Unexpectedly, the tide changes and I’m drowning all over again in this ocean. It’s inevitable to love me without loving him. It’s inevitable to lose him without losing myself.

I spend everyday happy. I’m able to look at things throughout the day differently. I am able to be more mentally stable for my daughter. As a parent, I believe it is my responsibility to take care of my mental health as much as possible for her. He’s seen my daily struggle so I hope it would mean something to him that he’s helped me with that. I’m able to not be so stressed, tensed up, not be so anxious in the moments I normally would be. I’ve learned to breathe a bit more. To slow down a bit more. To be patient. I’ve learned that letting go may also be that last version of yourself and that’s where the real heartache comes from. I’ve learned to be strong in each day and not worry about the next until I have to. I’ve learned I have to fight my own mind to not think of him. Or us. I have become grateful for the great, amazing, breathtaking times we have shared together. I have learned that if he could love me like that, I would be able to love myself like that too. I have learned how to move on and survive without him. I have learned to treat myself highly as I always did him.

I am 31 and thriving as I write this and it’s taken me this long to get to this point of truly loving myself. I saw what he saw in me. Tears are flowing as I type this. The joy, the finally, the happiness is overflowing instead of the depression. The breakthrough of finally overcoming “connection vs attachment” was realizing I needed to practice that with myself as well. I am proud to say I am my own best friend and I love that. And myself. It’s totally okay to say it. I LOVE MYSELF! I never thought through this flowing and ebbing the end goal would be loving myself forever instead of him. I now wake up each day and think great thoughts for him. I pray for him to the Universe that he is growing, healing, and surviving rock bottom the best way he can. I hope he reflects back on our great, amazing, breathtaking times and is happy that he is capable of being loved like that, too.

For the last three and half years my compass had always pointed to you. Now, it points towards myself but I swear I would still hear your name echo if I held up a conch shell. Moving onto smoother seas still makes me ache inside, but my intuition knows that no matter the tide tables and the stormy weather, I will be able to sail through the gloom. Thank you for believing in me and for shaping me into this pearl that still radiates no matter what the friction throws at it. Thank you for loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. Even when you couldn’t love yourself. Thank you for teaching me my worth when I struggled to see it in you all along. I am so grateful you taught me what you’ve see when you look at me. That you showed me that I was capable of the kind of love that we have always had for one another. That I was always enough for you.

I hope one day your compass points back to me. I hope it points us to sitting on our bench at Golden Gardens Beach. Catching the sunset and you snap another photo. We’ve watered ourselves and each other. We’ve finally grown. Our fingertips giving into the magnetic energy they feel inches apart from one another. I hope it points us to the right timing, the right tide, the right ebb & flow. I hope it points to me.

Until next tide,

Your best friend.