Dwelling with the Roses

There is an old fable that tells of a traveler who happened upon a lump of clay. When he picked it up, he marveled that the clay smelled sweet, though it was but an ordinary lump of clay.

He wondered why this was the case, whereupon the clay answered him, "I have dwelt with the rose."

In other words, the people you spend your time with will impact who you are as a person.

Getting away from toxic people

There's a lot of discussion these days about cutting "toxic" people out of your life and on setting healthy boundaries.

This discussion involves asking questions like, "How can I identify bad influences in my life? Who in my life is controlling? What people are seeking to manipulate me?"

Asking questions like these allow us to focus on the "red flags" in relationships. It is critical to be aware of these things and use caution in relationships where we identify these red flags.

But we do need to be careful to not become so fixated on the negative that we don't move on. Sometimes, we dwell on the pain that people have caused us, and this keeps us from moving forward and allowing ourselves to heal.

Sometimes it is better to focus on relationships from a positive perspective as opposed to a negative one.

Spending time with people who are good for you

Nothing happens in a void. We can't just stop hanging out with toxic people.

Who you spend your time with shapes the person you become. If you've already distanced yourself from the people who are hurting your growth, there is an obvious question that follows.

Who do you spend time with instead?

What are the qualities you should be looking for in the people you choose to associate with?

I couldn't create an exhaustive list on this if I tried. However, there are several qualities that I have found helpful to look for in the people I choose to spend time with.

Spend time with people who...

Encourage you to be yourself.

Ask yourself, who are the people around which you can genuinely be yourself? Ask yourself who you feel comfortable spending time with.

It is critical to not judge your comfort level around people based on first impressions. Your impression might be influenced by how you feel about a situation. For example, you might be at a party and feel anxious about meeting new people. You might feel like people are judging you even though they aren't.

Allow yourself more than one interaction before you come to the conclusion, "I can or can't be myself around this person or group of people."

But even in early interactions, you can look for green flags. Do these people share personal shortcomings and quirks? Are they honest about mistakes they have made in the past?

Are they secure in who they are enough to admit when they need help?

It's okay to start small. As you build a friendship with someone, you can begin to share more of yourself. You don't have to start out by sharing your deepest secrets. You may find you have specific people with which you share different aspects of yourself. You might have one friend with which you nerd out over your favorite movies and another with which you share your spiritual struggles. That's okay.

Help you develop qualities, habits, and skills that you want to have

Do you want to be good at something? Hang out with the people who know how to do it and are willing to teach you.

Do you want to be on time? Hang out with people who value time management. Do you want to get better at cooking? Hang out with people who know how to cook.

But maybe it isn't about a particular physical skill for you. Maybe you want to get better at making people laugh. Maybe you want to be more genuine. Or maybe you want to be more calm. Find people who possess those qualities.

Hang out with people who have the characteristics that you want to have. But you don't have to want their characteristics to the extreme. For example, you might be a passionate person. You don't have to lose that, but hanging out with people who are more laid back can help you channel your passion in the right areas and help you not overreact about the areas that don't matter.

Tell you the truth

This includes telling you the truth about yourself and the truth about themselves. Are they honest when it comes to the good things you do? Do they see where you have put in effort and acknowledge it?

On the flip side, do they confront you when you've made a mistake or have done something that hurt them? Do they tell you the truth when you are doing something that they believe is harmful to your well-being?

Are they honest about their own shortcomings? Do they apologize when they've made a mistake? Do they admit when they're wrong?

There is a difference between critics and friends. Seek to find people who are honest with you but who are also kind. These are people who seek to speak the truth in love.

Actively listen

Anyone can pretend to listen, but try to find people who genuinely try to understand what you tell them.

Do they remember things you have told them in the past, like what scares or annoys you?

Are you able to accurately voice your opinion in a conversation without being interrupted? Are they able to reiterate what you said in their own words?

Side note: If you develop friendships with people who are active listeners and who tell you the truth, you do need to be prepared to get advice. This can be helpful, but other times you might just want a shoulder to cry on. Be clear about your expectations when you want to talk about something. Let the person know if you want advice or if you are seeking comfort.

Push you to think critically

It is beneficial to interact with people who have different opinions than you. These kind of friendships allow you to rationalize and think through your own opinions, even if you don't change your mind.

These people will encourage open discussion and debate. They will stay focused on the topic at hand rather than attacking your character when you disagree with them. They will encourage you to ask questions and look at various sources of information. They will drive you to form an opinion that is your own and not one that is simply based on what others have told you.

Treat other people the way they treat you

It's easy for anyone to put on an act. People can make you believe that they're nice during an initial interaction. They can even make you believe they are kind and generous based on the way they treat you. But how they interact with others over time reveals their true character.

Are they the sort of people who generously tip servers? Do they say 'hi' to the janitor they pass in the hallway?

Do they acknowledge when others have helped them? Are they respectful to the people who are in authority over them?

When you see people who are kind and have good interactions with others, it is a solid indicator of how your own interactions will go later on.

Making the active choice

There are people we have to interact with. We will often have people at work or other social interactions that will annoy us. That's life. We can't live in isolation; life will continue to abound with people who are difficult and people that we can't actually avoid.

But there are relationships we can control. When you have free time, who do you spend it with? Are the people you interact with helping to grow and shape you into a better person? These are the people you want to seek out. Make an active choice to build relationships with them.

You can focus your energy on not being around bad people, but that is only half the battle.

Don't focus on only "distancing yourself from toxic people."

Actively find ways to dwell with the roses.

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