Don't push yourself.

I had my first summer fling about a year ago. This guy messaged me and wanted to take me out. We had a really good time together! We went on a walk at the beach, looking at old buildings together. He was a good time. I had just gotten out of a relationship, so I guess you could say a part of me was pushing myself to be okay with another man entering my life.

This guy was the whole package. He was older, looked like my celebrity crush (G-Eazy), tattoos, piercings, a nice car, he breeds dogs so there was always puppies around. He was everything a girl could look for. He even got me a gift basket on our first date! It was all so new to me so I was trying to take it all in.

I was so nervous, I'm not going to lie. It had been 2 years since I had even flirted with anyone new! Like, what do I do? What do I say? Should I even be doing this? Probably not if I'm asking!

He wanted to meet at Fred Meyer, that's where I got into his car and left mine. When I walked up to his car I was questioning if it was right, but I just went with the flow and stopped questioning myself.

I had to experience new things, I really just felt like I owed it to myself.

We were on a walk and he grabbed my hand, he started dancing with me in the middle of the trail! Twirling me, picking me up... It felt so adventurous and almost dangerous. It was so different than everything I was used to. I just lived in the moment and stopped worrying about the world around me.

I think the biggest part of attraction to me was the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next.

The walk was pretty romantic! One thing led to another and we are at his house. I had been there before, I grew up across the street. I really wanted to go over to see his dogs, we were talking about them on the walk and it was just something I couldn't pass up. I truly didn't expect what happened.

I'm sure everyone reading this can know what things led to after being there a few hours... I couldn't believe I had just done that. For the first time in over 2 years I was with someone new. Everyone handles things like this differently, some of you could just brush this off. I was just so fresh out of my relationship, it really felt like I cheated. I went onto his deck and cried.

I didn't mention this before, but my ex and I work together. We saw each other every day no matter what we were to each other. Well... I ended up getting a hickey! I talked to my ex with a freaking hickey on my neck without even knowing it. It was so embarrassing because I've never been a girl to want a hickey, let alone show them off.

I truly didn't want to broadcast to him that I was trying to move on, and as soon as I did, I regretted everything. Maybe my feelings were still so strong and I'd get over it, or maybe my feelings are so strong that I need to act on them? I didn't know what to do.

I kept telling myself things like "you got this, Brianna" , "you can move on" or "this is what's right"... Even little lies can make the biggest difference in your life.

The truth is, I was pushing myself to move on. I felt like it was what he wanted, and what I needed. I wanted to be okay with everything and to give this new guy all the attention that he was trying to give me. But after we got to know each other more, it became so much more clear that we were not meant to be together. I was not meant to go off with him and it's definitely not what my life needed at that moment. We wouldn't match no matter how badly either of us tried.

At this point in my fling, I was trying so hard to not even think about my ex. I might have done almost anything to keep him off my mind and the break up going. One, it's what I thought he truly wanted. Two, I didn't want to hurt the guy I had already been seeing. It was just a world of confusion and questioning. Pretty stressful.

One day, I woke up and realized I needed to stop lying to myself. I really wish I could tell you what made me see clearly finally, something just clicked in my head. I was in love with someone else, I couldn't keep lying to myself and I definitely couldn't keep putting others before myself. But, I do know I see no future with my new flame, and all I do see is a future with my ex. In this position, what actions should I be taking?

I was in obvious denial, and my new flame saw it. He did bring it up to me which was probably the final push to want to talk to my ex. If breaking up was what's best, why is he still on my mind? Why is it him I want to wake up to? Pride! Ego! You name it, they were in the way.

Then... My ex texted me! He wanted me back.

What do I say back? What do I tell my new flame? How is this going to play out? I really had to let my guard down for a second and just admit yes it is you I want.

How could I do this to someone? I never saw myself in these shoes and it ate me up. My thoughts were just like these sentences, all. Over. The. Place.

All of this seemed to be happening so fast, I didn't give myself time to process or think things through. But what else do you do when you're blinded by love? I'm stating this now, give yourself time! Not giving myself time did complicate things in the long run. I did end up going back to my ex and before you start thinking I'm so typical or terrible... Hear me out.

I was so in love with this man. He was my ride of a lifetime. We were together for 2 years, and he stood by my side through so much that most people would walk away from, I did the same for him. The only thing that went wrong between us was not taking care of ourselves, too.

I would go an extra 100 miles any time I could for him, but not myself. He would do the same. We were always together because we worked together and it just worked for us to spend so much time with one another. It felt so right.

But that is not right, and it's not healthy. You have to have time for yourself, even if it's a simple bubble bath. Always putting each other first really took its toll on us. I truly wish I didn't waste that time starting things with someone new, but to reflect on why things were not working with the person I love. (If I didn't love him this would've turned out to be so different.)

I don't regret how things fell together, the darkest hour is just before dawn. I just wish it didn't take what it did to get the happiness and sense of clarity we always wanted together. I was so excited to get out of that state of confusion and self pressure. Everything felt like it was taking forever, but it all happened within a month.

We learned to keep things in the past and to still work on what we want in life, but to also include one another. We learned we don't have to be there for each and every one of our experiences in life. These are all things that you will learn how to get, once you're with the right person. If your partner can't talk to you about the hard times and work through it with you, don't waste any more of your time.