Don’t Move In With Him, Stupid! Written By Taylor Hagemann
Don't worry. I'm calling myself stupid. Not you.
Sorry for the abrasive title but oh boy, this ones gonna be messy! I want you to know, I’m not directly calling anyone “stupid” besides myself. Today I am going to (try) and dig deep into why you shouldn’t live with a significant other until you’re both ready. You might think that living together would be fun, right? WRONG. Throw that idea away because eighty percent of the time you will ultimately break up. Actually, probably more than eighty percent of the time, I was just trying to be nice. I am writing this for people who are dating so if you’re married this does not pertain to you directly. This is one hundred percent an opinion piece, and yes, I am trying to scare you. Living with a boyfriend or girlfriend sucks.
I moved out of my house when I was eighteen and moved to Appleton, Wisconsin so I could go to college, and live with my boyfriend who was already living up there. We made the decision to have me move in after a few weeks of doing the long distance thing which really wasn’t that bad. He was only two hours away so visiting him wasn’t really a hassle. I had to wait until my first semester of college was over to officially move. At the time I thought that was good because it gave us more time to make sure it was the right decision. I think we ended up doing long distance for about five months before I moved in.
I didn’t move in with him just because I wanted to live with him. I moved for school and the opportunity to live “on my own.” Even though we did things in what seemed to be the right way by waiting, it did not end on a good note. Living with him turned into fights with him and the other roommate. It ended with me moving into student housing to finish up my time in Appleton. So many people have told me that this person and I would still be together if I didn’t move in. Maybe they’re right. I’m not sure.
Before I finish up this little segment, I want everyone to know that I was at fault too. Our demise was not just his fault, and I never blame him for what happened between us. I just think we were two kids who really didn’t know what we were doing. This relationship is a perfect example of a relationship that just didn’t work out. I have no ill will towards this guy and I am grateful for the experiences we had together!
“Moving out” the second time was a lot different. It didn’t take months of planning. It just happened. I was spending the night at T’s house every night and would only go to my house at night after work to pick up clothes for the next day. Eventually he just asked me to keep some work clothes at his place so we wouldn’t have to keep going back to my house every night. So I brought work clothes over, but then I ended up not having clothes to sleep in, so eventually my whole wardrobe moved to his house.
Before I continue, I just want to say how appreciative I am to his parents who let me stay there no questions asked. They even asked me if I needed more space for my stuff. I know they probably don’t read this, but with the off chance that they do, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for accepting me and treating me like family. Your kindness never went unnoticed.
Living with this person was a complete nightmare. This was the guy who cheated on me and ultimately lied to me about how many times it happened. Guys, I was living at his house and I found his ex’s underwear while I was cleaning his room for him. He lied to me and said they were his mom’s. Bullshit. Even living with him didn’t mean he was going to be faithful to me. This is the reason why I have trust issues now. I found notes she had written him and pictures of the both of them hidden in the dresser that he said I could keep my clothes. I was nothing to him.
Seeing him everyday just made us fight more and more. There was no trust, there was no love on his end, and yet he strung me along. Basically used me for sex. We were only together for a few months. I bet he would have broken up with me sooner. He told his ex he was going to so they could be together if it wasn’t so easy for him to get what he wanted from me (I think you know what I’m referring to). Living with this man ruined my mental health and took me to a really dark and vulnerable place. I was taken advantage of and lied to after I put all my trust and love into him.
I moved out both of these times because I had an opportunity to leave my childhood home and be what I thought to be an adult. I will tell you that just because you have the opportunity does not mean you should take it. Leaving my family and friends made my depression so much worse and it wasn’t worth it. Being sad all the time and fighting with the person you’re living with is never ideal. I didn’t even have to leave my house. My parents were (are) super generous and didn’t (don’t) make me pay rent, so why would I want to leave when I don’t have to? Now I’m not just living with them because I don’t want to get my own place. I’m living with them because I have so much debt they are letting me pay off as I live with them. Eventually I will be moving into my own place. I just wanted to clarify that I’m not just a twenty-one year old bum.
I left of my own free will but I never thought about the aftermath of my decisions. I hate to admit this, but after boyfriend number one I was fine. I was sad when I moved out, but after the relationship I just moved on with my life. So, I guess that breakup didn’t really hurt me that bad. But boyfriend number two, wow, just wow. I can’t even put into words how bad moving in with him really messed me up. Look at me now though! Going through these hardships made me the woman I am today and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Yes we all have regrets and living with T (actually even dating T) is a big one, but if I didn’t do either of those things this blog wouldn’t exist. That is the one thing that I am grateful for!
Now, just because I said I was “grateful for the experience” doesn’t mean I’m supporting moving with a significant other. I had to go through so much pain and heartache to be able to tell these stories today. If I ever had this opportunity again to move in with someone I loved I would plan it out and really think about it, like I did the first time, to save myself from ruining my mental well being again. Not every experience is going to end up like mine and I understand that but we have to be cautious when it comes to this because it really is a big step.
I am still picking up the pieces of these decisions. I haven’t lived with T for over a year and a half. The trauma he caused me still affects me badly. Tears well up in my eyes when I look back at my time with him. Not because I still love or miss him, but because the abuse hasn’t left my brain. The abuse shaped me into the person I am today. It is a blessing and a curse. I love who I am. I think I am fucking awesome. The thing that hurts me most is looking back on all the pain and suffering I went through to be that fucking awesome person I am today. Please take heed of my words and experiences I laid out for you here. I am only trying to save you from destruction and heartache.