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Don't Give That Much

by Nikola Yotov about a year ago in friendship

Notes of Self-reflection

Have you ever been stuck in a vicious cycle of your own creation? A cycle you know is not healthy for you but you just cannot seem to escape it? A cycle you always promise to break but fall right back into because it's familiar?

Well, I have. I still am and I don't know when, or even if, I will be able to escape it. But talking (or in this case writing, I guess) about it might be the one thing I haven't tried so far and that helps me get better. So lend me your eyes for a few minutes. Read about my mistakes and try to avoid them. Keep in mind, I will possibly be oversharing in some parts.

My cycle only exists because of the Internet. I am a vivid user of the many different social media platforms and regularly indulge in many different forms of 'entertainment'. They help me connect to friends I have made in real life. However, they also allow me to forge friendships that I wouldn't be able to offline.

See, I have a lot of 'Internet friends' that I haven't ever met but seem to consider close. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, I might be talking about you, but I might not be. If you are curious, hit me up and ask. I will be honest with you.

So back to my bad habit. What do I do that is so bad for me? I get attached to these 'Internet friends'. It doesn't always happen but when it does there is a very clear pattern. I recognise my own pitfalls when it come to this so let me enlighten you.

Firstly, I stumble across a person's account. That person seems interesting and I add them or follow them or whatever you do on the platform of choice. Sometimes they add me back, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I am even on the other end where someone adds me first.

Then at one point down the line, I message them or they message me. We start talking more regularly. Sometimes it's rather short conversations but they still happen.

After a while I start getting attached to the point where I am willing to provide them with undying support in any matter which is something I also offer to the people I know in real life. Most of the time, this becomes rather obsessive (something I should definitely work on, I know).

So far, nothing too alarming, right? So in most cases, the things I am willing to give for that person are too much, compared to what they are willing to give in return. But I brush that off, ignore the fact that I am pouring my heart and soul into a person that isn't doing the same for me.

And that leaves me empty. Broken. Distrusting of others. Until the next person comes along and the cycle repeats. I know, it sounds pathetic. You are probably thinking that I should just stop. Well see that's the thing, offering my help to these people is what makes me feel more alive than anything else. It gives me the feeling of being selfless and helpful. It temporarily boosts me and then drains me twice as fast.

So to anyone who is reading this and is in a cycle of their own - you are not alone. Many people have problems that you cannot see. Share your burden (doesn't have to be in the same way I am doing it now) and let someone help you.


Nikola Yotov

Writer and student

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