Does being Overly Polite Mean You are Trying to Control?

I am always worried about people who are overly nice, overly polite. What are they trying to hide? This can’t be their true personality. No one is that congenial.

Turns out, other people agree with me. I love this response to a Reddit post that basically asks if being too nice is a problem:

“Being “too nice” is often a hidden form of self-protection. When you’re overly agreeable, it’s a way of keeping control—making sure others don’t push you, question you, or get too close. But true peace with people actually comes from setting boundaries, not from avoiding conflict. When you’re clear and firm about what you need, people respect you more, and ironically, you end up feeling freer and less bothered by their presence.”

In this article, relationship expert, Terri Cole believes you are too nice if the only reason you are behaving this way is to avoid upsetting someone:

“While you might think your motivation is to be nice, if you look deeper, you can see that you are not telling them so you can avoid dealing with their upset feelings. This fact puts the behavior squarely in the camp of being more manipulative and controlling than nice.”

I agree. You think you are controlling the outcome by appearing overly nice, but you aren’t. In fact, not only do you have less control, I believe, you open yourself up to becoming a doormat.

People tend to try and take advantage of people who are kind. They think they can get these types to do anything, and will stop at nothing to try.

For years, I seemed to have the opposite problem. People thought I was mad or had a scowl on my face, when I really didn’t. I always wondered why some people copped an attitude as soon as they met me.

So, I figured I must naturally have an angry look all the time, not meaning to. Maybe my mouth drooped or it was the way I carried myself. To this day, I am not sure.

Anyway, I solved the problem by overtly smiling every time I see someone. It’s exhausting, I know. But if I don’t give someone a big smile every time I encounter them, or when I meet someone new, I run the risk of appearing less than happy.

Would rather paste on a fake smile than look dejected all the time.

Could Being Overly Nice Be a Form of Fawning?

Being too nice, people pleasing or “fawning” could be a trauma response, says therapist Sarah Herstich.

“These actions are often driven by a deep need for external validation, where approval from others feels necessary even if it comes at the expense of your own self worth. Over time, this cycle can make it difficult to recognize your own value apart from what you do for others.”

Basically, she says, your mind is telling you that “if you keep them happy, you will stay safe.”

Maybe you grew up in a home where love had strings attached. But you can change your behavior.

How To Avoid Being Overly Nice and People Pleasing

Set boundaries. Learn to say no. And realize not everyone will like you.

That one took me a long time to get over. I had a whole bunch of friends in my 20’s. None are left today. I am pickier now, and have been burned several times.

I have learned to realize quickly if people really want to be my friend or simply want something from me. Yes, I still make mistakes, but far fewer than when I was younger.

Don’t beat yourself up. Remember, baby steps.