Does A Lack Of Social Awareness Constitute Self-Centredness Or Narcissism?

I would say that this image represents me really well.

When I have an idea that I have thought long and deep about, considering the multiple different perspectives and the nuances of the theses and the antitheses in my analysis to bring about a useful synthesis...

I usually cannot provide one sentence responses to questions that I figure have deeper unstated assumptions about them.

I can write out these ideas and arguments in an essay format, but conversationally, it is very easy to overwhelm someone with a deluge of information.

The problem in a conversation is that a balanced conversation has to go two ways. One person isn't supposed to dominate it. But yet, the synthesis of all these ideas, coupled together with the fact that I am an educator, can make me an overpowering idea machine to talk to.

And that's not healthy.

People can get turned off by my grandfather story rambles, especially if they aren't that interested in finding out the nuances. The only people who can tolerate these rambles are those who have known me for long enough to know that it is just one of my difficult-to-change tendencies.

The problem, though, is...

What if I'm meeting someone completely new to me? Such as a blind date?

Time is of the essence in dating, and the patience for understanding or adapting to a random stranger's missteps can be much thinner.

Especially in the age of modern dating, when it is easy to just ghost someone and find a new match on an app.

Social awareness is key.

Unfortunately, coupled with my grandfather stories is a lack of social awareness.

Sometimes, I'm not even aware that I'm rambling.

Sometimes, I don't get the hint that someone isn't listening or wants to change the topic.

What if the other party were too shy to be able to confront me and change the topic?

Ghosting would most probably occur, unless the other party has come to understand that rambling is one of my quirks that I have to work on in cutting down.

But does a lack of social awareness indicate self-centredness or narcissism?

A tale of two dates with two different ladies gave markedly different conclusions.

The first date thought that I was a textbook narcissist because I was just rambling on about myself without considering her thoughts or opinions.

The second date didn't think that I was a narcissist because even though I was rambling and sometimes lost in my own world (read: not listening to her completely), she was able to get her points across and talk about herself too. All she needed to do was to deftly change the subject.

I was impressed when she told me that, because I was blissfully unaware that I could have been that offensive to others around me.

According to the Mayo Clinic,

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.

Narcissism is a mental disorder where one has an inflated sense of self-importance, where I only care about the needs of myself and never about the needs of others.

A problem where I would have a fragile self-esteem that cannot take any form of criticism.

A problem when I don't receive the kind of special favours that I think I ought to receive given my status.

She didn't see any of that in me.

She thought I showed her enough care. Just that I had too many grandfather stories to tell.

But why would these stories be construed as "narcissistic"?

Mainly because there is a competition for time. Any time that I spend talking about myself will result in the other party not having enough time to talk.

There must be a healthy balance. It takes two hands to clap. If one hand is scratching at thin air trying to get to the other hand, while the other hand isn't engaged in trying to meet the first hand, then really... ne'er the twain shall meet. And when the twain doesn't meet, the overpowering one can be very easily misconstrued as being a narcissist.

However, narcissism is a personality disorder. It's not something that can be changed by the sheer force of willpower. A rambling speech (or as she says, being naggy)

It is definitely a learning point for me when I see her the next time - I do need to be conscious of my grandfather rambles and be more attentive to her.

I'm also thankful that there's a next time that I'll be seeing her, definitely. With a more intense focus on keeping the conversation balanced.

Sure, it's a bruise on my ego to be told that I'm not perfect - but at the same time, we do have to remember that we all are flawed humans and that we have our own quirks that have the potential to rub people the wrong way.

But communication is key, and that requires patience.

Narcissists don't really have time or patience to communicate, let alone become more self aware and conscious about improving themselves.

Being socially unaware and needing cues isn't criminal - but being unwilling to change one's ways for the better does smack of pride indeed.

Joel Yong, PhD, is a biochemical engineer/scientist, an educator and a writer. He has authored 1 ebook (which is available on Amazon.com in Kindle format) and co-authored 6 journal articles in internationally peer-reviewed scientific journals. His main focus is on finding out the fundamentals of biochemical mechanisms in the body that the doctors don’t educate the lay people about, and will then proceed to deconstruct them for your understanding — as an educator should. Do visit his website here or his Patreon to connect.