Do you Believe in God?

I notice before going for my 6 week checkup that the angina sensation hits me every day when I'm at the end of my walk, I mention it to my cardiologist nurse practitioner who gives me a script for nitro and tells me if I find myself not getting any relief after 5 minutes and I've taken 3 nitro s call 911. What kind of recourse is that? Let's just put a band-aid on this problem. I did not like that resolution at all. Oh well, right? They are supposed to know what they are talking about? They are the Doctor after-all and we're just the guinea pigs.

My long-term disability lasts for 6 weeks and isn't much to speak of. My brother closest to my age came to visit me while I was in the hospital, the youngest brother loved his man toys and the Colorado River partying over the 4th of July holiday weekend he caught a cold so he called me on the phone as all the Wisconsin family did as well.

Moll Medical, div. of Moll Industries Inc. they closed the doors in Tucson as of August 30th, 2006 and I go to the final and last company meeting with my daughter chauffeuring, she does that a lot lately. I'm a few minutes late and it already started. I'm too embarrassed to stay and walk in there late, and I wonder if my costly heart surgery is the reason they closed the doors after all the company had a private insurance not like one of the big conglomerates of an insurance company. So, now I have no choice but to seek out a new job, I can't stand not working, I guess it was my upbringing. Unlike my kid's father, in 1990 he lost a position as a line lead for coca-cola he had been working; after all of my savings' was gone I would take the newspapers want ad section, yes they still had newspapers then and I'd circle jobs I knew he was qualified for. He says to me, maybe I don't want to do any of those jobs. Me~ what do you expect to do just sit around here and do nothing? My measly pay is not enough to pay all the bills and buy food. And the little bit of savings I had in the bank is all gone. So you need to do something! He says he'll go get food stamps, I assure him, If I can't get them, he certainly won't get them. The next afternoon when I get home from work, he tells me I'm wrong, I asked what are you talking about, And he tells me he got Food Stamps, that he just told them, I left him and he's taking care of the kids and his 2nd son from wife # 1 was living there too. I told him, it's your ass on the line, not mine. So, he was happier not working and expect others to tow the load. So “manly”, I thought. I filed for a divorce a 2nd time the first time he asks me if I'd wait until the kids were older, they old enough now I figured, besides I saw the writing on the wall. And I didn't like what I was seeing. I was not raised were the wife was the money maker and the husband did nothing. I don't think so! The divorce was final February 1992. Now, I can finally live and not feel like I have a warden. Work friends said I should have a divorce party I didn't. My son felt sorry for his dad and moved in with him, my daughter and I moved into a townhouse in a suburb of Orlando. My son was born out of wedlock, October 13, 1978; such a horrible sin in my father's eyes he didn't even acknowledge, I was going to have his grandchild when a friend or a co-worker mentioned it in passing, he apparently said, “no daughter of mines having a baby. And no, he didn't go to the hospital after his birth. I never wanted to marry my sons father and told him so, one Friday about a month after he was born, he asked me when I was going to marry him. I replied, just because I had a baby doesn't mean I have to marry you. He replied, what the fuck do you think you're going yo do then. I said raise him on my own. Because, I certainly don't want to marry you. You couldn't even stay at the hospital for the birth even after the Doctor told you he'd be born in a half hour, And, then to top that off, my mother who did stay at the hospital said before she left she'd call you when she got home and tell you you had a son. She called me after getting off the phone with you and told me your response was “another fucking son”. That was the only time my mother ever said that word that she regarded a very bad word. Now, God damn-its' or son of a bitch's those were OK bad words to utter but never fuck, you brought that word outta her I hope your glad. So, no way in hell am I going to marry you. Well, if you think your going to raise my son alone then I'll take you to court and I'll fight for custody, no judge will give a 19 year old mom without a job custody. I'll get custody because I've been married before with two sons already that I support, because I'm older and I have a job. In my mind, all I could think about was the movie Kramer-vs- Kramer which had been on TV earlier that summer. This man does not want custody or this son, all hes interested in doing is partying with his friends and getting high. I had packed up all of my belongings more than once that goes to show how long he was gone out on the weekend before coming home. When he did come home and see everything packed up, he said, “what's all this?” I said, “I'm leaving”. He said, your not going anywhere. Where you gonna go? Your mom's? I doubt it. He was right in that respect my mother and me never really got along when I lived at home, I certainly wasn't going to call her now that I had a baby. So, basically, the Kramer -vs-Kramer movie had me believe He maybe could take this baby away, I was very Naive back then. So, I asked my pastor that had confirmed me if he'd marry me. He had a sit down with both of us, and the kids father said he was absolutely not going to join the church. So, we got married the end of November 1978. You can see by pictures taken at the church there was no love there at all, my brother-in-law even made a comment I don't have to stand so far away from his “buddy” that we were married now. What a mistake, I knew it before we got married, and standing at the altar I did have the thought in my head to say no! Just say no! I don't take this man to be my husband. But, I turned to look at my family and relatives in the church and thought, my mother will never let me forget this, that she paid for this and all our relatives are there for the very small wedding and reception which was at my parents home, I wasn't even permitted to invite any friends, but 1. blaa, blaa, blaa. So I stood there and looked at him as he was looking at me for those magic words, and. I said yes. It took me 15 years later to decide, I'm not here to please anybody else, least of all my parents. The years of the kids father manipulating me and mentally and physically abusing me I was going to put an end to this loveless marriage. I had a daughter because he wanted his kids close in age and they were 15 months apart, the two kids were just like peas and carrots, they did everything together when they were little. My son had an issue about getting his hands dirty, his sister didn't. She'd sit in a water puddle making mud pies and he'd ask her to make him one because he didn't want to get mud all over his hands. She made him his mud-pies too, they always got in trouble together and they always got punished together when they were little but, not when they were older. So, baby sister was born March 30, 1980. When I got home with her and she'd cry her big brother would get a pillow and ask if she needed the pillow under her head. He was always the big brother. Her half brothers from their fathers first marriage was a different story, the youngest of those two would hug on his sister and kiss her and the oldest would question, why are you doing that that? He'd reply she's our sister! They older one didn't like that response and he didn't care anyway.

My coworkers knew how our home life was. One morning as I'm getting ready for work my supervisor M. Hatfield calls me up and says, are you OK? I say yes, why? Your house is on the news? What? They're saying there was a shooting, and I thought you had enough and shot him? Oh that? ( me giggling) no, that was a neighbor who lived across the street from us.

The man would frequent a local bar and a barmaid gave him some sob story that her live-in uncle was bugging her for money she owed him. She was in on the whole scam, this neighbor gives her the money expecting for a different favor in return, and something happens where he confronts this uncle where the neighbor realizes he's been scammed so he threatens to go to the police. So, the uncle has the barmaid call him towards the end of her shift one Sunday night and to say to meet them in front of your house we'll be by to pay up, but that was the furthest thing from their minds. They do go to the house, we heard the trucks tires screech and a shot fired. Now, me? I went to grab the phone to call the shots fired like I had so many times before but stopped. Every single time I would call to report shots fired and do the citizen thing to do. Every time I was told there's a police firing range a mile from our house and that's what I was hearing. So, I remembered that this time too and laid my head back down to go back to sleep, and was awaken again very shortly afterwards by the knocking on the front door. The kids dad who often fell asleep on the couch watching TV was the first to answer the door. There was two officers from Orange county and they asked if we heard any strange noises and we responded a gunshot about a half hour ago or less. The one officer said, well you heard right there's a dead body at the end of your driveway. A little over-exaggeration, he was in the neighbors house driveway gutter the house in front of ours. We knocked on the doors of both of your neighbors across the street, somebody looked out the window but they wouldn't open the door. Yeah, they keep to themselves all the time. We don't know who they are either.

I was still on speaking terms with a friend in Wisconsin who said she was going to move to Scottsdale out by a niece, that she took an early retirement after hurting her back at work and told me I should move out there too that she'd help me with the kids, she's a Cancer and always helpful to everyone. So, it was decided after talking about it to the kids both in High School, that we're moving to Arizona. My son said he was going because 2 women should not be alone out on the road. So I gave my notice where I worked only because I saw the writing on the walls there too. The company had been sold earlier that year to the original owners' of Mega Tool (micro drill bit manufacturing) at Buena Park, California and we were all told our pay was going to be affected. Reduced. So, we packed up my kids and I, and moved out to the desert in the Beverly Hillbillies fashion that we knew best. But not before my last week of vacation paid for by my job. My kids and I flew to Wisconsin a reunion on my father's side which happened once in a blue moon. And we flew back home. My kids and their friends got the truck ready and fully packed and I had a 6X12 enclosed trailer behind. I had 3500.00 only to make the move, I figured we had a place once we got there so that should be OK. Right?

We finally got out of Florida, a long ass drive, we're putt-putting along on I-10 in Mississippi and there goes a tire on the trailer. I handled the blowout pretty darn good if I must say so, although I had a cellphone it was nothing compared to today's technology. Thankfully a rest area was right there for us to pull in and call Uhaul to come fix there flat tire. We waited 3 hours at that rest stop, when the driver finally got there, he said he had the wrong size tire, asked where we were going to, I said Arizona. He said, that tire should make it. That if we let the tires cool off when we stopped for gas even to run water over them and of course follow the recommended speed. Me not follow the speed? I wanted to get there before September 1st and staying under the recommended speed for the trailer simply would not allow my foot to pull up off that gas pedal, seriously, I tried. It felt like we were standing still. I followed the speed and not the recommended, I don't need people honking at me on the highway. Wrong! Therefore, the 2nd blowout happened just outside of San Antonio in Comfort Texas, you'd think all these obstacles would put up a flag or something, and now that I'm older they would've. I should've listened to my daughter that day, there we were at the closest gas station, a man stopped and gave me and my her a ride to the nearest U-haul store, I thought well, isn't this nice, and my son said he'd see what he could do as far as putting the bumper up and off the ground. That man who appeared Mexican wasn't very nice at all, he went into a very small non franchise owned U-haul I think it was more like a U-haul resale store where all the older u-haul equipment and trucks go. When he gets back to the truck, first off he has these really old jogging shorts on 70's style, the kind that have the white or different colored piping stitched around the legs of the shorts, he throws his wallet busting out of with lots of cash up on the dash for me and my daughter to see that became very obvious, and then he adjusts himself to have some of his junk hang out between his leg and shorts, my poor daughter, she's been exposed to so many DICKS' in her very young life, What the Fuck is the matter with some men anyway? He tells us they said seeing it was a Saturday afternoon in Texas that we'd have to wait until Monday to get somebody out to repair our bumper which was broken off from the 2nd blowout. It was hanging on one side and near dragging on ground on the other. He says there's one more place he he knows of that he can go to to see if they can help. When he gets out of his truck, my daughter elbows me and says, did you see that? I say, we'll just ignore what we saw and tell him thanks for all your help, but we should get back to my son and truck, we appreciate his help, but we're pretty sure he has other things to do that afternoon. Saying that, he must've realized the fat wallet exposing a crap-load of bills along with his exposed junk didn't work. So, he gives us a ride back to our broken down truck. My son rigged the bumper where we could run the hazards and drive slowly up to the next exit that we could see from the interstate were we sitting broken down. I was never so glad to get outta somewhere so badly as I was that moment in time to get out of that creeps truck ever in my life. We get back to the safe confines of our truck, and as soon as the creeps outta site, my poor baby starts to tell her big brother about the creep and what he did. He knows he can't do anything about it but voices his opinion on the matter no less. With all the ancestral mix in my children they can both get pretty heated up, they don't necessarily look for trouble like some of their fathers family before them. And yes, the girls more so than then the boys, there was 12 altogether, 7 girls and 5 boys and one of the sisters died at 13 from a tumor in her brain. Sottish, Indian and Cuban from there father and generations of German from me. The first time my daughter was exposed or flashed was by a different creep she was in elementary school the 5th grade. We lived too close for her or her brother to catch the school bus so they had to walk to school, and my son was in Junior high-school down the street from his sisters school he also had different times to be to school. I noticed she kept dragging her feet in the morning and I'd have to give her a ride to school just so she'd get there on time. My son told me what she told him over the weekend. Not sure why she didn't tell me or her dad anything, she felt too uncomfortable; so I confronted her and told her we need to call the police, because some other little girls probably getting flashed too. An officer comes to the house, that Saturday morning my first time in the back of a squad-car, wheres the fucking seat? This is no fun, a hard ass seat like they forgot to finish the build at the automobile manufacturing company, The officer apologizes and says, a ride to the station for our criminals isn't suppose to be a good memory, my thought was? How the hell are you supposed to not slide around? The officer wants my daughter to tell him the route she walks to school and then point out to him the house this little pervert lives at. My words again. A woman detective gets the case and compiles a handful of picture's of young boys of the same age, this was a high school kid by the way, What? Is your little perverted ass expelled? Why aren't you at school, why are you standing at the front door swinging you dick around like its a helicopter and tarnishing a poor little innocent 5th graders head for the rest of her life? but my daughter was not able to pick him out of the picture lineup have you, so they couldn't do anything then, not until she was 15 years old, anyway, outta the blue one afternoon the detective calls, I'd forgotten all about it until she reminded me, I just thought I'd call you to tell you the pervert did do it again and that time he was caught. Not to say her being exposed was going to stop there, oh no the both of us have never been that lucky. One Saturday I was a little bored so me and my daughter went to the closest Walgreens and browse, we stopped in the card isle and started reading the funny ones, laughing our ass's off at some of the humor, minding our own business not bothering anyone, she wants to go to another isle and look at something they use to have such nice little knick knacks or dust collectors' my daughter was getting something on a lower shelf on a rack and this grown-ass man came to stand right next to my daughter very close to invading her private space, about 3 feet away from her. He had hiked his jogging shorts up so that his entire schlong was hanging out, exposed and right at the perfect viewing position, ridiculous. We can't even have our own mother daughter time to laugh when some pathetic idiot comes to ruin a perfectly good day. Growing up in California, if mom needed to run into the grocery store she'd have us 4 kids sit and wait in the car. Lock the doors she'd always say and don't open them for nobody. Older men perverts would pull up next to our car every time it seemed opening there the drivers door to expose themselves to us. And once in awhile motion to come here. But, we were use to hearing that line, walking home from school everyday cars would be lined up in front of our elementary school Mesa, in Whittier and men pulling out all the tricks to get us in there car. Nothing worked then either, We were even little smart-asses' when they'd say, your mom asked me to come and pick you up from school, we'd say, “oh really? We live right around the corner, (we really truly did), and why don't you come with us and we'll go ask her? They'd speed off so fast.

So there we were sitting in this huge gas station upset and almost to tears not getting anywhere with U-haul who I called over and over again. I finally talked with somebody that heard my plea! they were finally sending somebody out but it was again going to be a long wait. I hang up the payphone my son standing behind me he told me we have to weld the bumper onto the frame this poor truck has been through the wringer. A friend in Orlando told me he had a friend that owned a junkyard and this work truck that had a dual tank was brought in from a totaled out front-end collision it was being sold because the engine was still good, it just needed body work and this friend had his own body repair shop so, I sold my 77 Mercedes 300D and bought the 1985 Ford F150 long bed. It was supposed to be for my son, for his 16th birthday I'd bought him a 1980 Ranger But, he didn't have the pleasure of driving it for long because his father drove it until the transmission didn't work anymore at all, that's the kind of man my kids father was, instead of doing the right thing and to prevent a more costly repair he'd band-aid the problem. One time to avoid replacing the fan on a car he wired it to constantly run, and it was fine until the fan broke off and a blade put a hole in the radiator, now how smart was that? Instead of paying for a 30.00 dollar fan motor, now you have 2 problems.

Was buying the truck a mistake? From that truck sitting so long I had to replace the seals around the doors, there was a lot of weather-rot a new windshield, the transmission, radiator, water pump, the hubs, routers, entire braking system completely; water pump, master cylinder, you name I replaced it, I brought her back to life she still had some get up and go left in her.

Back in Comfort Texas, as I turn around facing my son I tell him U-haul is on the way again, at that very moment this work truck pulls up with 2 very cute young men, not much older than my son I figured; and what do ya know they have a weld in the back of the truck? I say to my son, you still say there's no God?

I decided to go to college not like the normal high schooler graduating and then going onto college, I had my kids early and when they were old enough to not need a babysitter I went to college in 1992 and I graduated high school in 1977. Better late than not at all, right? I did horrible in high school, I did bad on tests' noways, that's considered a disability and they have alternative testing methods for those students that struggle, Of course, I never heard about ADHD or ADD back when I was in High School, I just figured I'm not that smart as my friends where.

It may have been test anxiety I was trying to deal with, I'm not real sure. I do recall always being nervous and my heart pounding, mostly because I never did well and just figured I was going to fail going into the test. College was a far different story although I passed with a 4.0 in the end because they had more realistic expectations for the students. The teachers and Professors said they don't expect you to know the information and material all by heart so that's why we had open notes and open book for our tests. Everything was open notes or open book testing, everything, and I take damn good notes, they also do a review the day before the tests and if you pay attention to what's being discussed in the reviews' those Key notes always seems to mimic the test questions. And, let's not forget the “bell curve”, if most of the class of students did poorly on a test the bell curve was put in play. That didn't happen in high school often. So, yes I have ADHD. Ya think I can take high school over? I'd pass everything now, especially if I was able to use my cell phone, there's no excuse for kids these days. Even when my kids went to high school they were given 2 sets of books, 1 stayed at school and 1 stayed at home, No more I forgot my book at home or vise versa. Now that idea was an excellent one. Whoever thought of that. I went onto college mainly because I saw the writing on the wall again. And it had technology written all over it. So I have an associate degree in Computer applications Programs with the Major in Computers, and the miner in Business with an emphasis in Human Resources. I didn't want to miss the boat with technology finally excelling like it was. My first desktop PC was an IBM that I bought in 1992, that I paid for what I buy my Apple I phones' for now. Ridiculous.

I bring that up because, one night after getting home from class my son meets me at the door with my bible in his hand and says, Mom? I have a question for you, OK? I was so excited he had the bible in his hand. He says, I was reading the Book of Genesis: Chapter 1. My response, Well Honey, that's so good, I'm so glad to hear your opening up the bible, he started to say Chapter 1 verse 1~ In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And I'm agreeing with him yes, and yes, still so excited. Then he says, no where in the entire book of Genesis does it mention Dinosaurs, so if God created everything then who created Dinosaurs? My bubble was burst, I said, I'll have your Uncle talk to you about your question. I simply had no answer, leave it up to a Libra forever trying to balance the scales. Yep, that's my son.