Do I Have to Say Goodbye?

When having to give up the thing that makes you happy because it also causes you pain, it's like digging into your own skin and ripping your heart out of your chest. The thought of having to say goodbye is anxiety ridden thoughts. The heart and mind is racing against your own logic to make you say no. You'd rather deal with the pain and the suffering just to have a few messages sent throughout the week, to have that person be a part of your life in some form. You know it is bad for you, getting the advice from friends saying what you know is the truth. Yet, you still feel stuck between two places, deal with grief after saying goodbye, something that will only last for a short time, or continue with the lasting pain. That person has thoughts and emotions for someone else, you can feel them being happy for their crush. However, despite your crush you have to say goodbye, keeping in contact with them is tearing your soul up. You want them to be happy, but you cannot be there to see their happiness. You tell them the truth of why you are saying goodbye and then remove the conversation, unknowing if they saw the message or not. It's for the best you say, the pain will eventually go away. You want them inside of you, on top of you, holding you more than you want the living sustenance of food and water. Move on, get better, find someone new who is going to reply back to you more than just once or twice a week, who feels the same things for you. One day, hopefully, someone will come along and show you what you deserve in your short life. Although, what if someone doesn't come along, what if loneliness is the only thing that will stay forever? Sure a lot of this loneliness is up to you, but when struck with the anxiety of a million thoughts, all negative, how can one go on?

When thinking about you, my heart hurts and my lower abdomen tickles with need. My tearing heart is pulling on my tear ducts, wanting to relieve the stress of this thing, trying to expel the thoughts of you, because you're more than I want you are what I have been needing. Yet, it is obvious that I am nothing to you, maybe I was something, maybe I still am but talking with you is so hard and painful. The pain, it feels amazing as well. Like I am torturing myself with the anticipation of wanting you, hearing from you. You are my addiction, the intimate things we've talked about, fantasized about with each other, it was too much because I knew I would always back out of the thing I wanted. So to save us both from my stupidity and anxious ways, it is best to say goodbye, but do I have to say goodbye? You make me feel some time of way, I both love and hate that you make me feel this way. I promised myself that I would never feel this way again, the pain was too much, the thought of them and the thought of you, the process will be long. Saying goodbye to you in person is easy, saying goodbye in my mind is the hard part that I do not want to have to face. The grief I have caused myself, and possibly you, is terrible. Then again, maybe this is what you want, a way to never have to talk to me again, this may be you chance to say finally one less person to deal with. I have trusted you with so much, and I do not regret it at all. I met one person that is actually a great person, but you are not for me and you would not want me anyways. If I could say this all to you in person, rather than an online letter that you will never even read, would it be easier or harder to get over you? I don’t know. I am in uncharted territory, a land that I have never experienced in my life before. I want to take back my goodbye, despite knowing this is for the best, do I have to say goodbye? Do I? Is it worth this shitty letter, this shitty essay, whatever this is called, is it all worth it? I do not know anymore.