Divorcing a Narcissist

It was really really dark, those last months. I didn’t know how to make it to tomorrow. I found a safe haven. I left. Except I didn’t realize that I had an even longer battle in front of me.

Think of the one thing that is your whole world; that one thing that you would do anything to find a way to make things work so you didn’t risk losing that one thing.

Now imagine having been married to a person who picked you apart and knew that one thing that meant everything. They found it. I mean, that was the goal; that was the end game. If you didn’t want to do something, you bet that one thing would be over your head every time.

So I wanted to leave, but if I did, he would disappear with that one thing that was my whole reason for waking up in the morning. But then I found safety. I left. I felt safe, and then I realized that leaving was the easiest part of that equation.

In my journey, I have come to realize there are a few things that every woman like me needs to remember:

1) Not every partner is like the one you left. Not every fight will leave you sore, crying, and unable to function.

2) The fight is NEVER fair. Remember that one time you made that one tiny mistake? Every single mistake you made is going to be used to use the most important thing to you to make you stay in line.

3) There are no boundaries. They are always above the law and they don’t give a shit because they think you are too scared to do anything about it.

4) It doesn’t matter what they did, they will always find a way to make themselves innocent of wrongdoing. No matter the cost.

5) There is no high road. Yes, you take the high road, you will be trampled on.

6) You have to learn how to keep going and keep fighting for what is right while, at the same time, learning how to put it aside in your head. If you don’t, it will consume you.

7) Remember that what happened is real; it’s true. Don’t be ashamed to tell the truth, even though the truths might make you look bad. Their lies will unravel, but if you tell the truth no matter what, you have no lies to remember. Taking responsibility for your actions makes you the better person. In an abusive relationship, people make choices to get through. They may not be right, but remember: you don’t need to nail yourself to a cross.

And finally–most importantly—do not, for one minute, give up. That’s exactly what they want you to do. You are strong. Have good support. Make a call when you need to, and don’t lose yourself in the demons inside your head.

There are people who will notice. There are people who will pick up on the differences between the new you and the old you. You’ll get farther, you’ll feel bigger. Then, suddenly, he can and will find a way in again. He will tear you down in front of your kids. There are no limits. You’ll do it right every time but you could swear that, after every situation, you’ve failed again. Every time that man is in your vicinity, you’ll feel a little empowered, and a lot like that little human that stayed for too long. He will effectively ninja your brain every time. In his head, you know nothing; you can’t prove anything, and even if you could prove it, he will make up a dozen lies to combat whatever you’ve said and you will give up. Because I did. Because the fight wasn’t even worth it. I didn’t have to remember lies. I didn’t have to tell lies to make him look bad. All I needed was the truth, a voice, and a family to support me.