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Divorced, Indian and a Woman

Is being a divorced Indian woman still outlawed?

By Belynder WaliaPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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To my surprise, I am finding out more and more that it is, for me and others alike. My verdict is that most men I meet think I have passed my ‘sell-by date,’ (I’m in my forties, for goodness sakes!) But being ‘Indian,’ some of the men I meet from my ‘community’ believe I just want to have ‘fun.’ No one seems to take the idea of having a relationship seriously. Well, in all honesty, I have only been on various dating apps for a little while. I have not met many potential male suitors— only a few. Some of my friends, on the other hand, have met many men and I mean lots of men… However, from my conversations and generally what I have discovered, there seems to be quite a common trait—that is revealed about people both men and women on these dating apps, and it seems that most that I have come across are still married! I think meeting someone if you’re single is more difficult than meeting someone who is married nowadays.

Shockingly, on the few dating apps I have been on, I came across the husbands of three of my ‘friends.’ Even worse, they ‘liked’ me, knowing who I am and which social circle I belonged to. These are people I have met at friends’ social gatherings. I even showed a message from one of them to my brother, as he was someone my brother knew quite well. He gave me the typical response, ‘boys will be boys,’ but made me laugh when he ended his sentence with ‘but some married men like that will always be dickheads.’ I know these are men that are supposed to be in committed relationships and portray themselves to be quite happily married. So what do I do? Do I tell their wives whether I am close to them or not? Or do I avoid such situations and pretend like it is none of my business? If it was me I would want to know. If my husband was flirting on a dating app I would definitely want to know. It would pain me to find out by different means. Whether he was just doing it for fun, or a joke, whatever the case may be, I would want to know. If I was still married to my husband I would tell my ‘friends’ that I came across their husband’s profile, although, I wouldn’t be single, so how would I know… Oh well.

I decided to test the water, snoop around and find out how their relationship is. In the end, I did not tell any of them and I will explain why. In my experience as a ‘single divorced Indian woman’, I realised it is quite difficult to hang out with ‘friends’ that are coupled up. Friendship dynamics change. Those single male ‘friends’ I used to talk quite openly with, have run a hundred miles away from me since they have been ‘coupled’ and I am now single. When I was married, it was ‘safe’ to connect so we stayed in touch. Now that I am single again they have stopped talking to me. This became a bit of a trend I noticed. Interestingly a pattern developed within some of the social gatherings I would be forced to attend, (being a plus one with my sister in law, while my brother’s away on business). I noticed the ‘female friends’ that I had known for years would watch my every move. If they saw me merely say ‘hello’ to their husbands or boyfriends while their men were standing alone, they would come running and immediately put their arm around their men. Almost to imply, that I was perhaps flirting or trying to ‘steal’ him. I had never experienced this before. I mean being ‘single’ is like having a virus, being ‘divorced and single’ is like having a disease and being ‘divorced, single, Indian and a female’, is like having the plague! I hate to think about how people react to ‘divorced, single, Indian women with kids. They would probably be viewed as freaking zombies!

I stopped getting invited to events or parties and if I happened to go with family, people alienated me. This was and certainly is NOT in my mind, it was visible. Our, (my ex-husband’s and my) couple friends, even though I know they are no longer in communication with my ex, stopped being in contact with me. The females cut me off. I couldn’t understand why, until I started going to events or social gatherings. What is a single Indian divorcee female to do? But seek out other single divorcee women who have experienced the same. We laugh at the fact that some ‘coupled’ women cling on to their men as if we are going to break their marital home and some men think we’re available to them to boost their egos for some flirtatious fun. Some of us did not even choose to be divorced. Ladies and gentlemen being ‘single’ does not mean we are desperate.

So when I have come across these married men—I choose to ignore them. I do not tell my ‘friends’ as I know they would blame me, as other divorced females have shared their experiences and claimed they have been blamed for enticing their men—where the wives or girlfriends have blamed the ‘divorcee’ for being on the same website or dating app. Or even called them a liar because they believe as a single and divorced female, they have ‘desperate’ stamped on their forehead and the most surprising thing other women like myself have been told, is that ‘divorced’ women are jealous because those married women like to believe we don’t belong in their ‘social circle.’ A divorced Indian woman is not dangerous. She is not seeking to grab the first man she sees whether he’s married or not. And she definitely is not out to break anyone’s home.

I am quite content and extremely happy with the way things have turned out for me now. I know that the effects can be difficult for people when they get divorced. But the great news is that it does bring freedom. You have the opportunity to be who you are without having to answer to anyone. The best part is, I know that ‘I am enough.’ My point is, that we should stop putting people in tick boxes and accept people for who they are and allow people whether they are single, divorced, widowed or whatever, to be viewed as ‘individuals.’ People should not be categorised by their marital status, there are far too many groupings to deal with in life already, wouldn’t you agree?

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