by Xena Warrior about a year ago in divorce

To My Ex-Husband


On this day 10 years ago, I broke off our engagement. I know, Valentine's Day... I'm a savage. But I can't help but wonder if I had remained true to myself, where would we both be? What would have happened if I allowed my yeses to be yeses and my nos be nos?

I later changed my mind AGAIN and we decided to get married. Now, a decade later, I look back on that day I told you I didn't love you and compare it to today; we've agreed on a divorce.

I made myself small for you. I whittled myself away to the point I didn't recognize who I was. I tried to compact myself into your perfect little box, where all that mattered was us. All the while believing that I wasn't good enough for you. When in reality, you didn't measure up to what I needed.

I allowed you and others to determine MY self-worth. I let your words and the words of other small people take root in my mind like weeds. "You're hard to love," "You hurt people," "You bring out the worst in me," and "You have no filter." I began to believe all the things you said that made you feel intimidated by me. What YOU and THEY believed was unacceptable, but the truth is this: You are all small people, with pitiful lives and nothing other than broken FAMILY to keep you going. I look at you all now and I am disgusted. You stick to your small portion of the world and take care only of you and "your own." Fuck the rest of the world.

No, no, this is not all your fault. I agree that this was on both of us. I did my fair share of fucking up this marriage, but at least I was ALWAYS HONEST.

You lied. Not only to me, but worst of all; to yourself. You buried the truth deep inside your subconscious. I knew it was there the whole time, but you chose to believe it was dead. I tried to unearth it so many times so that it wouldn't fester and grow to be EXACTLY what it is today.

Now, years later, what is left? Resentment. Pain. And bare walls.

How many years did we spend making each other unhappy? When did you realize you "had nothing good to say about me?" Why did I allow myself to believe that I was undesirable, hard to love, and difficult to get along with? I forfeited my future for you. I CHOSE you over what I wanted for myself, and you ended up not being worth what I lost.

Despite how much you've hurt me, I am so relieved. I no longer have to be the person you've always desired in a wife. I no longer have to believe that I don't deserve you, because you know what? You don't deserve me. I am too big for you. I have bigger ambitions, bigger dreams, bigger goals, bigger desires... and you are too small to walk hand in hand with me in achieving them.

I will not do this again. I will not dedicate myself to a person who is just along for the ride. I WILL NOT SETTLE. I will not partner with someone who finds me to be anything less than AMAZING. I will not EVER apologize for being who I am, because I'm not sorry you can't handle me. I was meant for more. And I AM NOT ONE HALF OF A WHOLE. I am COMPLETE in ME and in God. I do NOT need another person determining MY SELF-WORTH.

Xena Warrior
Xena Warrior
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Xena Warrior

If I have the power to change things, I will. "It is what it is" will not be a cop out.

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