Dissolution pt.1

I remember it all started with a glance in the mirror. Rather unaware of myself from a far, I had to lean in to get a closer look at myself. Normal insecurities I spout, "Ugh I am so pale! Why does my hair look so thin? I look Crazy!" In order to disregard my brains obvious attempt to dismantle the comfortability I had built for this trip, I lean in to where my reflections nose just barely brushes mine. The odd thing for me was prior to focusing directly into my soul's windows the only thing visible was the whites of my eye. Once I gave myself a closer look my pupils began to swallow my iris and soon my sclera was completely black.

It was not the color black that society makes you think of. This black was warm and inviting. Actually so intriguing I followed it through its portal and started my journey through the gray matter of my brain. It took me all the way to last December.

Filing through the green smoke clouds of my memories, it brought me to the days where I'd find myself holding out my hand in hope for something better. Doing this seemingly everyday without interruption, it took me all the way to the next summer without even realizing how upset this lifestyle made me. While working for my concrete thoughts only, there was no understanding of the power of my subconscious. I ended this. Everything I once had, I let go of and was left with myself and my sadness.

Considering there was no longer anything to my name, loneliness became my new friend. Just a spirit inside a body that was full of nothing, immediately I searched to find some type of escape. Despite the heavy green smoke clouds, my head was far from foggy thanks to the fact I consume a very balanced diet so, I was able to refrain from anything along the lines of self harm. Instead I quit, lost focus and just sat there in my head pretending i'm not there. Though, there was this one, gold, bitter-sweet, and smooth road that paved it's way through me.

At this point, this ball of animosity began to build up and I began to resent the now occurring thought of people. The same people who I believed to care standing unable to distinguish my cries for help. Out loud I ask myself, "Who am I?" The other perspective of myself, what many refer to as, "the ego," is visibly entangling itself in the personality roots of my brain. Scared and alone, I follow this golden path that stood before me which whispered her intriguingly toxic name, "Chardonnay."

Chardonnay took a liking to my spirit and slowly but surely began to use her influence against me. Since i've been through this before, I already knew there would be a choice between my authentic self or myself under this influence. Gratefully, I was able to view who I was before, and who I became, against the person I had this current potential to be. Before this precognition, my previous mistakes were too loud for me to contemplate creating a new relationship with this yellow road. Affirming to myself, "Not again," I move along with this vivid experience.

Although I cater to my ego almost more than myself at this point she still finds a reason to put me down. Turning my back to the yellow road, a new obstacle reveals itself, it's me.

Considering my ego is made in the likeness of me, it felt like a war inside my body. I love myself but do I love all of myself? The good, the bad, and the ugly, and all the things I wouldn't outwardly want to face. She sure does; my ego is completely in love with me, every crack and crevice. Im so conflicted and i'm spiraling into a complete identity crisis. Another affirmation, "This is human." Somehow this particular stumble brought back these feelings of loneliness and I quickly realize my ego is my past self and I can no longer associate with the old me. It felt like I lost a childhood friend, someone who knows you almost as much as you know yourself if not the same.

As i'm sitting now ever so singled out, the realization of my peace came from the darkest area of my brain. I would see these versions of myself as Im experiencing my memories and they would resemble well, me. This particular corner had the most sinister, savage, disgusting appearance to the point it was unrecognizable. Not to be anti climatic but, I accepted this dark in me. Deep in my heart there is an awareness of my mistakes and I love them fully. This acceptance brings me peace and I move on.

In the next chapter of this reality I was back looking at myself in the mirror only this time I seen only what I strive to ignore. I had self love.

This superficial self love was worn on my sleeve like the bats engraved on my arm. I saw the damage people could see in me. Personally, I think I did this on purpose only because I wanted people to know they couldn't handle me. Somehow, I only learned to love the things in my life I didn't deserve. How could anyone manage me? I mock myself out of humility and exhaustion, "Im so independent."

Soon enough everything went black and all I could hear are voices. Again recognizable and through all the voices good and bad I was able to tune in specifically on what I wanted to hear. I decided to focus on the good things; a collection of the wise words I've heard from the people in my life. I listened how this became a routine and how I was nonchalant to my disregard. I wanted to experience this from a second hand perspective but it was almost impossible to see outside of my lack of care.

The only thing I could fix my mouth to say slowly crept out "Who am I doing this for?" Again I disregard it except this time I take it with a smooth glass of my golden bliss and decide to return back to my everyday reality.

Coming out of this experience I realize I spend a lot of time worried about things beyond my control. I cant hold human beings down for being human beings but, I can acknowledge my hurt. My lack of inner standing myself and being misunderstood. I will continue my journey to my discretion and allow others to recognize whats best for them on their own. This is my truth.