Different operating system

‘It’s a superpower’

‘A gift’

‘Makes you special’

‘So, it’s different when you do it because it’s your brain chemistry, but when I do it, it’s lazy and procrastinating?’

All things I get to hear regularly. You know what I have to say about all of this? Shut the fuck up.

'Just put your mind to it, and you'll be able to push through it.'

No, the fuck I won't, alright? Because if it did, we wouldn't be having this conversation, and it would be done by now.

I wish that's how my brain was wired. It would make life so much easier.

A sneak peek into my brain. It's constantly battling itself. Autism craves stability and structure. Needs a routine. ADHD says fuck everything, not happening. ADHD requires routines, stability, and structure, but not going to happen:

• I am forgetful- to remember, I use my calendar app on my phone to add appointments, when bills come out, my work schedule, and when laundry day is.... Do you think I remember to add things properly and to check the calendar app? nope. Not at all.

The thing is, I have a little day planner to help with daily things. I write down what I'm supposed to do that day. Does this help? Ehhhhhhh. So-so.

• Time: What in the world is time? On one hand, I need a set schedule. A play-by-play of what I need to do in a day. This goes hand in hand with writing things down. Have a decent workday. Start at a good hour and finish at a decent hour, one that lets me wake up around my natural time and be home for dinner. This works best for the AuDHD. This is the one solid thing that makes both Autism and ADHD happy.

If you guessed it, there's a catch. What is the catch, you might ask?

• I'm either early- things like doctor's appointments and things that have heavy consequences if I am any time late.

• I am late. Usually by 5 to 15 minutes- for things my brain deems less "important." Meaning things that have no consequences.

This is a little funny because if we have plans to meet for a X time and you happen to be late- I would find this to be very annoying. I also do understand that there could be many reasons why the person may be late: traffic, parking, walking from the parking, woke up late.

The next topic is distraction:

• It’s always when I have to go, leaving for work, meeting a friend, is when my brain sees last minute things to do. That it’s a must do or the world will end! Breakfast dishes, making the bed. Remembering the dog’s favourite toy is under the bed.

• Next thing I see is time: Shit! I was supposed to leave 10 minutes ago. Where are my keys and phone? Don’t I have a chair that I can just dump all of my stuff on to? Yup. Are the things I need on the chair? Nope. Ugh.

I then spend the time arguing with myself because why, why, why. I am aware of the problems and aware of how to fix things. Put in the work to make sure everything is written down, properly organized, have a special spot for all of my stuff to dump. I call this my ADHD chair. Make sure I am up on time and aware of long it actually takes to get out of the house. For the most part, keeping the house clean and tidy. All of this to eliminate distraction.

Guess what? It still happens. How I fix this for when I actually need to be somewhere at a specific time? Besides drive everyone in the house crazy? Lie to myself and say I’m supposed to be there at one time, even though it’s actually for later. I have a list of things I’m supposed to have with me and basically staple it to my forehead.

Does this work all the time? Nope. Have I learned how my AuDHD works, and basically plan my life around it. Does this work? I’d say 85% of the time.

The hardest challenge is I’ve stopped masking. I’ve been learning how to work with myself and tools I need to make it through the day and if people don’t like me because I’m weird, well that’s not really my problem. Yea didn’t like me anyways even when I had a mask on because I was too weird. There isn’t any winning.

What is the point in this? That just because someone is different doesn’t mean they are weird. Someone who’s brain runs on a different operating system doesn’t mean they are worth any less then you. It’s okay to be different.

Life is too short to try to be like everyone else.