Did He Use Me For Sex?

Recently I started talking to someone from my past, which was my first mistake, especially considering he's been in and out of my life for quite some time now. I'm not saying he's flaky but I'm also not saying he isn't.

The most irritating thing about this situation is that I was so willing to let him back in because I stupidly thought that this time around would be different for some reason. I thought we could make it work between us and that it was a sign from the universe that we were meant to be. 

What's worse is that he actually told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, so I should have seen this coming. But because he was unsure this somehow gave me hope that he'd want to be with me eventually. 

Oh boy, how wrong I was! The warning signs were all there and yet I still had sex with him because I believed we shared a special bond.

However, after we had sex the conversations began to dwindle and I didn't hear from him as much. And of course, I became upset and overly emotional about it which led to an argument, and then things got weirder between us. 

We only spoke a few more times until one night while I was on the phone to him the truth came out.

And to put it bluntly, he said he was on the fence about what he wanted, (something I already knew) and that he prefers being single and isn't looking for a commitment because he wants to travel the world alone. 

Ouch, okay? 

He went on to say that he needs to figure himself out and being in a relationship would distract him from that. He also told me that because of our argument he felt overwhelmed and just wanted to move on.

It was painful to hear and he tried to reassure me that he wasn't going to get with anyone else because he liked being alone. So, we called it quits, and then he had the audacity to ask if I wanted to have sex one last time. 

I said no of course and the moment we said goodbye I cried for the rest of the night and barely slept. Since then I've cried every day because I feel stupid, I am disappointed in myself and him, and I just wish I never allowed him to come back in the first place.

I felt like a complete idiot for getting my hopes up over someone who has disappointed me repeatedly in the past. But I honestly thought I meant more to him than I actually do, even though he's proved to me time and time again that I don't mean as much to him as I believe I do.

When will I learn?

Stupidly I'm giving him space even though I want answers but I also never want to talk to him again even though that's a lie. But we all know exactly what's going to happen:

The connection I thought we had will fade out for him. And he will meet someone sooner than expected, even though he told me he wasn't looking for anything, and I will be even more heartbroken because I will still have been holding onto him. And I probably won't move on as quickly as I hoped.

In my head, the only way I can avoid being hurt by that is by finding someone else, even if it is just a rebound. So, once quarantine is over I'll start going on dates, which is something I'm not really a fan of but will have to do if I ever want to move on. 

So, wish me luck.