Denial

I once thought I was absolutely insane for feeling the way I did.

I buried my thoughts and my feelings so far into my brain, even I forgot who I was. In reality, I never knew.

They tell you denial is a powerful thing. They are right.

I grew up only knowing one way of life. To this day, 38 years later, I become unnaturally uncomfortable with who I am.

I am gay.

I look at those words, and as I typed them, I chuckled. Not because it is funny. Not because I find it repulsive, but because I have denied that statement for so long, my brain automatically starts deflecting. Sure you are, it says.

Engraved into each of our precious psyches, is a thought process perpetrated by society, religion, and nearly every media outlet. Commercials, TV shows, movies, books, they all tell us one thing: Men and women. Never should the two break apart and be with their same sex, It's wrong. You will go to hell and burn forever.

It is hard to break free from that thought process. My brain wouldn't let me. No one else would let me. Here's where I get angry.

For many years I hid in silence. I changed who I was. I tried desperately to change. I knew for the sake of all others, I must abide by their rules. I must do whatever it took to make everyone else happy.

So that's what I did. I hid among the others. I molded myself into a wonderful straight person. I knew all the things to say. I knew exactly how to be. The only cost was my sanity and nearly my life.

I lived in denial.

—

It is hard to be yourself when you believe everyone else is exactly who they claim to be.

I questioned my existence. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. As a friend put it, I thought I was damaged —damaged goods.

I did believe I was worthless. To this day, the thought slips back into my mind. I believed I would never break free. Society told me I was wrong, and I believed it.

I began my search for happiness. It was a long, torturous search.

I tried to find it in men. It wasn't there.

I tried to find it in drugs. It wasn't there.

I looked for my happiness in alcohol. All I found was a bottom of a glass.

I finally decided I would find my happiness in marriage. With deep regret and sorrow, it was not there.

I cried many times. My tears led to suicidal thoughts, rages, and a loss of control over all that I was.

Many times, I envisioned death. I held a weapon to my head, sobbing, asking myself why I was such a loser for not pulling the trigger. I told myself I was better off. I drank. I did drugs. I fell into a horrible lifestyle. I have been used.

For reasons I can only theorize, I am still here.

Through all this searching, I realized I was gone. I would never be who I truly was. I would never find someone to tell me it was okay. I would never be happy. I would be lost forever.

It was exactly what society wanted. Another lost soul.

—

I still live in fear of never being accepted, even though society says it has changed. They made different commercials. They changed their stance on our rights. They gave us a cloak filled with rainbows to make us feel better.

I live in fear of my family who says they will accept me no matter what. They say they do, but can they show they will?

I am no longer in denial with myself, but I am in denial about others. They say they are okay with who I am, but it is hard to believe them.

—

I envision a world where a person like myself can live without fear. Where we know for certain we will not be judged. A world where we do not have to live in denial. We can survive without having to change. A world that will not condemn us to the brink of death, or who will save us before we kill ourselves.

I write this so others may read it and see one more person like themselves, and know it is okay.

I reached out one day to that person. I was scared. I was nervous. I made it to be a joke, just in case. They accepted me, because there was a time in their life when they felt no one would accept them.

They let me know it was okay.

I was changed forever.

—

I hope, through these words, I can help change just one person.

There is more to this story. More to dwell upon. More to consider. This is the beginning.

I hope you return to read more of what I have to say about my journey. Thank you.