When navigating the tempestuous waters of high school, it's so important to have a best friend by your side. And Blake, you were mine.
We met freshman year and became quick friends. I was shy and timid. I'd never been to such a large school compared to my old ones, and the few friends that I did have were branching out more. You were fiercely protective and supportive of me right from the start. If I needed a hug, you were there in a heartbeat. We even had nicknames we made up for each other. You were Fang because you reminded my of my favorite book character (cheesy, I know), and I was Bow because you liked that I always wore bows in my hair. You said it made me easier to find in the crowd of people.
I valued our friendship more than anything else. I had a lot of issues going on at home, and I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with. But you made sure that I knew I had someone I could talk to.
Eventually, you decided that you wanted more. That made me extremely nervous for several reasons. I didn't want to lose my best friend if things went south. Not to mention, I wasn't in a place where I was ready to let all of my walls down. I shared a lot with you as a friend, but I'd have to share more if we were in a relationship, and I wasn't at all ready for that. But you pushed and pushed and eventually I gave in.
It didn't last long. That wasn't your fault. It was entirely mine. You wanted things from me that I just couldn't give you. We fought because I wasn't willing to let you in my head because I was scared of what you would see.
I wasn't a normal teenager. When you grow up in a broken home, you have to grow up fast. Here you were, ready for a fun, young romance. And I couldn't give that to you because mentally, I wasn't young anymore. I'd surpassed that point. I had twisted visions of what love and romance meant, and they weren't the same ideas that you had conceived.
We continued to fight and drift apart. There were no amount of apologies that could save what we had. And then one day, we stopped talking, and we never started again.
I lost my best friend the same year that I had gained him and I felt all alone in the world. But some of the things that you said to me lead me to believe that maybe that's what I deserved. You called me cold and distant. You said that no one would ever love me because I was incapable of loving anyone. That was rough for me to hear, but you didn't know that. How could you? I never told you that my mother chose pills over me. Or that my stepfather verbally abused every chance that he got. I was scared to tell people because I didn't want them to look at me with pity in their eyes. I didn't want you to look at me with pity in your eyes.
The truth is, I was capable of love back then. I loved you, Blake. But not in the way that you wanted me too. I loved you as a best friend and a brother because that was the only kind of love that I was capable of giving to you.
And then you broke my heart, and we never recovered from it.
I've forgiven you since then. Even back then I knew that our demise had more to do with me than it did with you. You were too young to understand, and I was too young to explain it.
I hope that you're doing well now. I hope that you've found an amazing girl who's not afraid to let you in and show you the deepest parts of her soul. And I hope you're taking care of her like I know that you can. You said some harsh things to me, but you were never a mean guy. You deserve the love and happiness that you give others, truly.