Dear Xylo (Issue #5)

Dear Xylo is an advice column published weekly. Xylo is an expert at nothing, yet answers questions on every topic. Sometimes he is spot on and other times he's dead wrong - that's the chance you take with Dear Xylo.

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Dear Xylo,

I got my own apartment in the suburbs two years ago. Over these past two years I have been trying to cultivate indoor houseplants, but they keep dying on me. So far, I have gone through 15 plants. I am becoming very discouraged. Can you give me any advice?

No Green Thumb

Dear No Green,

It seems to me that you will never cultivate plants - never. Face it you need to give it up. You're a plant killer. Buy yourself some nice cheap silk plants from the local 99¢ shop. You should have better luck with them. P.S. don't have children.

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Dear Xylo,

I am 19 years old. My mom and dad divorced 10 years ago when I was seven. I live with my mom. Overall, she's a good mom but she has different boyfriends every other month. I can't keep up with them anymore. Some of them I think overlapped with each other. The thing is when she introduces them to me, she expects me to call them "Uncle." I have a problem with this. What should I do?

Too Many Uncles

Dear Too Many,

You are a legal adult living under your mom's roof. The way I see it, it's her house, her rules. If she wants, you to call her boyfriend's uncle and by all means call them uncle. Otherwise, if you don't like it then get out of Dodge. Find your own place where you can make the rules. Until then get used to being a niece to many.

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Dear Xylo,

I need your help. I have some issues going on. I need some direction and focus.

Help Me!

Dear Help,

Well, this is the most ridiculous letter I have ever received. You say you need help, but you don't even tell me what the problem is. How am I supposed to help someone who can't even communicate properly? I shouldn't have even answered this letter. It's a total waste of my time. You really seem to be disturbed maybe you should start taking some drugs or something. Just stop writing these silly letters hoping that someone's going to help you because that's just not going to happen. Boy was this ever a waste of my time. Why don't you open a can of chicken soup and eat it - the can that is.

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Dear Xylo,

I live in an apartment that was built back in 1977. It has a light-colored linoleum floor in the kitchen. I never seem to be able to clean it. After mopping it you can still see dirt in the crevices. It's very annoying. I have tried everything - sponge mop, old style string mop, Swiffer wet jet. What am I doing wrong?

Moping and mopping

Dear Moping,

You’re just being plain lazy! Stop it. Get on your hands and knees with a scrub pad and scrub that floor clean. That is the only way it will get done. And if you’re too old to get down on the floor then maybe you need to consider checking yourself into an old folk’s home. Someone as old and rusty as you is a liability -get some help now!!!

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That's it for today folks. Please keep those letters coming. I get about 5,000 letters a week and I usually answer four or five so there's a good chance I will never open or read your letter. But that's okay, keep on sending them - it's good for my ego and it makes me feel like I am contributing to the better good of society. Thank you and I will see you next week.