Dear Xylo (Issue #4)

Dear Xylo is an advice column published weekly. Xylo is an expert at nothing, yet answers questions on every topic. Sometimes he is spot on and other times he's dead wrong - that's the chance you take with Dear Xylo.

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Dear Xylo,

I play the vibraphone in a local jazz band. The band itself is outstanding. The musicians are top notch. It's the singer. He's a nice guy but he's tone deaf and he sings off-key. I have been relegated to the duty of letting him know that he's no longer needed in the band. I thought this over and over and just do not know how to tell him. Xylo please help me.

Vibes in Frisco

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Dear Vibes,

Just be up front and tell the guy, 'hey your voice stinks, Adios! And if you have problems with being direct, tell him he has bad breath and the other band members can't take it anymore.

Just as an FYI, I'm a vibes guy myself… check out the praiseworthy Stefon Harris.

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Dear Xylo,

My roommate is very messy. He cooks and leaves his dirty dishes all over the kitchen. He takes a shower and leaves the wet towels on the floor. It's getting very bad and I don't know what to do. I don't want to kick him out because financially I need a roommate and I do trust him. What should I do?

Smelly Underwear Left on the Floor

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Dear Smelly,

This is a no brainer. If you want to keep this roommate then you are the one who is going to have to conform and compromise. Embrace his messiness. Learn to love it. If he leaves dirty pots and pans around, look and see if there's any food left in them and scrape the food out and eat it. Make the best of those dirty dishes. Embrace his wet towels. They would be perfect for you to give yourself a sponge bath, they are already wet; you don't have to waste any more water. Think of that as saving money, a little less on your water bill. The smelly underwear well those you can take and just rub in his face because he really shouldn't be leaving smelly underwear lying around.

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Dear Xylo,

I am what I call a native eater. I do not use utensils when I eat. At home I eat everything with my hands and fingers. When I go to a restaurant I always make sure to order things that I can eat with my hand, such as hamburgers or sandwiches, etc. This coming week I am going out on a date with a very nice girl and she wants to go to the soup bar. They only serve soup. I have never used a fork, knife or spoon in my life. I am very afraid of this. I have no experience with using a spoon. Can you give me any tips?

No Utensils Allowed

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Dear No Utensils,

Why don't you just gracefully lift the bowl to your mouth and sip. Make sure to smile while you're sipping and stick those pinky fingers out. The pinky fingers add class even to the most undignified actions.

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Dear Xylo,

I have developed a habit of falling asleep while watching TV at night. How can I break this habit?

Sleepy Head

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Dear Sleepy,

That's a hard habit to break. I have a friend in Chicago with this problem. He finally realized that the shows he was watching were boring. Of all shows he was watching This Is Us… oh snore. Why anyone would waste their time with that snivel is beyond me. He ended up changing shows and is watching comedies like The Neighborhood and Bob hearts Abishola and he stays up the whole night watching TV. He has suffered one minor consequence though. He has a hard time staying awake during the day. He ended up losing his job as he was found sleeping at his computer one too many times. Shortly after that his wife kicked him out of the house as she didn't want to be married to an unemployed bum. His car was repossessed and he fell and broke his leg when he was walking to the liquor store. He says it's well worth it because he still has his shows at night and he's loving it.

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That's it for today folks. Please keep those letters coming. I get about 5,000 letters a week and I usually answer four or five so there's a good chance I will never open or read your letter. But that's okay, keep on sending them - it's good for my ego and it makes me feel like I am contributing to the better good of society. Thank you and I will see you next week.