Dear Xylo (Issue #3)

Dear Xylo is an advice column published weekly. Xylo is an expert at nothing, yet answers questions on every topic. Sometimes he is spot on and other times he's dead wrong - that's the chance you take with Dear Xylo.

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Dear Xylo,

I am thinking of cancelling my newspaper subscription. The paper delivery person continues to repeatedly leave the paper at the bottom of my front porch at around 6:00 am. The sprinklers go on automatically at 7:30 am and the paper gets wet. I have requested that the paper be left in front of my garage door several times to no response. What should I do.

Wet Newspaper

Dear Wet,

First, you need to cancel that newspaper subscription right away. I mean it's 2022 and who gets a newspaper anymore. Get with the times ma'am or sir. Buy yourself a digital subscription of the L.A. Times or whichever news outlet you prefer and read it online. Now, if you happen to not have access to a computer, laptop, or cell phone then you're plain out of luck. You are just going to have to go without any news and that would serve you right for not being savvy enough to have any sort of internet device. You may as well just take all the lightbulbs out of your lighting fixtures and bury your head in the sand or get with the times and buy yourself a cell phone - Android or iPhone. If you do have a device please disregard my comments and get yourself a digital subscription. Have a nice day!!! 🙂

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Dear Xylo,

I am a 19 year old male. I live at home with my parents. I go out with my friends at least three nights a week and usually do not come home until 3 or 4 in the morning. Lately my dad is locking all the doors with a security lock of which I do not have the code and I've ended up sleeping in my car the last few nights. Are there any legal actions I can take to get my dad to stop this?

Locked out of the House

Dear Locked,

Are you dumb kid?

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Dear Xylo,

My name is Annie and I'm 62 years old. I've been dying my hair for more than 30 years now and I am getting tired of always having to retouch the roots. It seems to be a never-ending process.

I am thinking of not dying my hair anymore. What do you think? Should I stop?

Roots keep showing

Dear Roots,

The fact that you're writing to me asking me if you should stop dying your hair tells a lot about you. Obviously you have some deeper issues brewing and you need to get yourself a psychiatrist to get to the 'root' of your real problems.

I don't think dying your hair is the real problem. Do yourself a favor and get some help.

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Dear Xylo,

I just broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago. Over the past ten days he's been calling me and talking about getting back together again. I've really missed him and I know that he's the one for me and he's my soulmate. But I'm not sure that I want to get back together with him. I am deeply in love with him, but I think I'm going to go look for a new boyfriend. I'm not sure what I should do.

Signed,

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Should,

Really using a Clash song as your signature seems all too cool for you. I mean come on everything you said is completely contradictory.

First you break up with him yet you know he's the one for you. Who goes and breaks up with their soulmate? Then you say you're not sure you should get back together with him, yet you're deeply in love with him. What's wrong with you? You're talking about getting a new boyfriend because you're deeply in love with your soulmate.

I don't have any advice for you, but to your boyfriend I say, "Run for the hills and get out fast. Watch out boy she'll chew you up."

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That's it for today folks. Please keep those letters coming. I get about 5,000 letters a week and I usually answer four or five so there's a good chance I will never open or read your letter. But that's okay, keep on sending them - it's good for my ego and it makes me feel like I am contributing to the better good of society. Thank you and I will see you next week.