Dear Sweetness, Open When

Dear Sweetness,

How are you? How have you been? How's your mama and father doing? How are the dogs? Have you eaten yet today? How are...

There are so many questions I want to ask you, but I can't. I don't. There are so many unanswered questions I have, but I can't ask them. I hope you're doing okay. Really. I hope you're doing well and I hope you're happy…

I'm sorry things had to end the way they did. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger for us. I'm sorry that I let the distance get the better of our relationship. I’m sorry we forgot how to love each other... but I'm happier now. I found someone who makes me laugh and smile, even when I don't want to. He tells me funny stories and jokes. He makes me laugh so hard I cry and snort a little. He hugs me when I'm in tears on the floor and he hugs me so tight when I haven't seen him in weeks, the way someone would if they hadn't seen a loved one in years. He's not perfect, but he makes my world a little brighter.

I am sorry that I cut all of our plans short. When I left, it seemed like I moved on so quickly, but the truth is, I had mentally moved on months ago. You see, you and I are actually very different in ways that were probably unhealthy and toxic to our relationship. I thought you were the love of my life, perhaps maybe you were, but as the love of my life I should have been able to see you, touch you, and love you. We no longer connected. I tried so hard, but we should have been honest, there was no spark, there was no passion. There was nothing but two people who grew so far apart from each other they didn't realize it until it was too late. You were never there. I know that wasn't entirely your fault, but when you were there, it seemed as if you never made an effort. I gave up everything to try and make things work between us and that meant myself. I lost who I was when I was with you and after leaving you I found myself. I'm happy with who I am and I'm secure enough now that I don't need to talk to him 24/7.

I'm sorry for the way things ended, but I'm not sorry about leaving. You see, you taught me a lot about what I wanted in my next relationship and what I didn't want. I wanted someone I could share my everyday with. I wanted memories and adventures. Not 24/7 phone calls and FaceTime. I needed someone to hold me when I cried, when I considered myself a failure and wanted to give up. I comforted you in your times of need and told you things would work out eventually. I need that too. I'm sorry that my issues just so happened to be when you were out having fun. I'm sorry that I needed you when you didn't want me to need you.

So, after months of feeling like crap and having to pick myself up off the floor every time you left and putting my life back on hold when you came back, I finally realized that I miss me more.

I really do hope you're doing well. I hope you find someone who treats you like you want to be treated. I hope she makes you happy in ways I couldn't. I hope your mama loves her and they bond over hating me. I would never talk down about any women you decided to see after me. You moved on and hopefully you're happier like I am. I hope you find peace and happiness in your life.

I'm not saying the guy I'm with is the one, the love of my life, or my soulmate, but he's really good to me and he means the world to me. We bond all the time, and this time I can really feel the bond growing. I hope you have the same experience. Moving on is hard, but you're strong and I know you'll turn out okay in the end.

I can't ask you questions anymore, I realized now that I don't need to. I'll always regret the pain I caused by leaving, but I'll never regret leaving. In the end, it's what was best given our circumstances. So this is my last letter to you. My goodbye. So take care of yourself, take care of your family, and take care of her.

\\

Goodbye Sweetness,

-R