Dear Soulmate

Dear Soulmate;

Right now, I’m thinking of you.

And you’re probably not thinking of me,

And that’s okay.

I hope I cross your mind, sometimes.

I hope you wonder what I’m doing.

I hope we get to see each other, some day.

What’s your name?

Have we met, yet?

Do you know me, already?

Have there been moments

When we were together

And your heartbeat became unsteady?

You don’t have to love me right now.

It’s not time.

We’re both busy.

If you’re reading this, though

And you’re curious,

Come find me in the city.

I’ll be at my computer, typing some new poem

Or a script,

Or a review.

You’ll know it’s me somehow,

And without looking up.

I think I’ll know it’s you.

I have in mind a few people you might be.

The boy from the fair, the girl from preschool,

A childhood playmate I miss.

Did we bond so briefly over a puzzle box?

Did we play barbies together?

Or am I way off on this?

You’re probably not reading this poem.

You might never see it.

That’s fine.

Someday I might pull it up for you.

We’ll talk about the days before I was yours

And you were mine.

You’ll ask about my childhood.

I’ll tell you almost everything,

I’ll leave some things out.

I won’t tell you the darkest parts;

The self-hatred,

Or the self-doubt.

You’ll read those stories on my face;

About how I felt unworthy

How I felt alone.

You’ll hold me just a little bit closer.

I’ll know those days are over.

In your arms, I’ll be home.

Soulmate, we’re going to argue.

I’m a stubborn sort.

I don’t always like to share.

You’ll call me out, tell me to grow up.

I’ll get mad.

Ultimately though, I won’t care.

Soulmate, promise me you’re being safe.

Don’t take unnecessary risks.

Don’t drink too much, don’t smoke.

I need you for the days to come;

Whether we’re rich when we meet

Or we’re broke.

If I find you’ve been unkind to yourself,

Done yourself irreparable harm,

I’ll be horribly cross.

I don’t want us to meet,

Fall in love,

And immediately prepare for your loss.

I want a life with you, a nice long one.

I want a family.

Sickness and in health, all that noise.

Even if our family is just you and me,

Or us with eleven girls

And eleven boys.

I want to paint the walls of our house.

I want to fix the sink.

I want to mow the lawn.

I want our children (or our dogs)

To barge into our bedroom

And wake us up at the crack of dawn.

I want to watch your hair go grey and then white.

I want to tease you about that

While my joints begin to hurt.

I want you to come in from the garden

Covered in grass stains

And trailing dirt.

I want to look into your eyes when I can’t see anymore.

I want to feel you looking into mine

When you can’t hear.

I want to feel my remaining years

Become my remaining months

Without feeling a shred of fear.

Dear Soulmate;

Wherever you are, I hope you’re happy.

If you’re with her, tell her I say hello.

Then, tell her that one day,

When we’ve fallen in love, if she’s still around,

It’s time for her to go.

If you are who I hope you are,

We’ll speak again soon enough

As friends.

We haven’t fallen in love, yet.

We probably won’t fall in love

Before this year ends.

If you’re out there, and you’re reading this,

I think you’ll know I’m reaching through the screen

Just to say hi.

For now,

Until I find you, until I can feel your hand in mine,

Just for now, this is goodbye.