Dear Doctor

Dear Doctor:

Hi. My name is Phoenixx. Phoenixx Fyre Dean. I'm the person behind the date of birth and patient number assigned to me from your facility. I'm the "leg issue", room thirteen. I'm the endless tubes of blood that have been drawn so that the same tests could be run over and over. I'm the bruised arms and blown-out veins. Not from proscribed drug use, mind you, but from the testing attempts to figure out what is wrong with me. From the fluids my body so desperately needs, and the medication to try to make it all go away. I'm the person that can taste the contrast used in the computed tomography scan, a side effect of having had so many scans in the past six months. I'm the orders for the testing. I'm the recipient of the repeated needle sticks, pokes, prodding, and chemicals injected into my body that serves to further confuse an already discombobulated system. I'm the person behind that patient number on every piece of paperwork associated with me, every tube of blood, every cry for help. Nice to meet you.

I would like to take a moment to apologize to you. I'm sorry that I can't be just like everyone else. I'm sorry that my body doesn't react in the same way that the last nine patients with the same diagnosis did. I'm sorry that the textbook never intimated that some people may present the complete opposite of everyone else presenting the same day (week, month, year, decade). Nonetheless, those things are true of my physiological response to illness. I'm "bass-ackwards" if you will.

I believe that most of you are good human beings that genuinely want to help people. The trouble is, you will only be as good a human being as hospital policy allows. That leaves people like me without healthcare. Where are the Doctors Gregory House of the world? The ones that will step outside of policy and what is customary to help a patient that they know is suffering?

Doctor, I don't present to be seen because I'm depressed. Depression isn't causing the pain and nausea and swelling in my leg. I don't need Prozac. I need my leg fixed. I'm aware that I should quit smoking. I beat myself up over it daily, that I'm so weak that I can't beat the nicotine addiction. You don't have to do it for me, though if it makes you feel better to look down your nose and tell me if I care about my leg at all I'd never pick up another, I suppose it is your right to do that. Just know that telling every patient you see to lose weight is horrifying and evil. Some of us have lost crazy amounts of weight, and you are constantly saying it isn't good enough.

I'm a person, Doctor. I have people that love me and are waiting for me at home, just like you do. We are all waiting for answers that at this point feel like are never going to come. If you didn't find anything in the same tests you had run twenty times in the past, it would seem to me that a new test would be in order. Wasn't it Einstein that said, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time"? Perhaps you need a Prozac?

I wonder if some of you enjoy playing God with the lives of those that come to you for help? I've seen nurses and doctors that were so gentle and apologetic for having to hurt me in any way, and those souls are few and far between. What I've been exposed to most of the time were doctors and nurses that seemed to go out of their way to cause extra pain, and then chuckle at the result. I had a nurse literally rip an entire layer of skin off of my already tender leg when she was frustrated that she had to be bothered with removing my wound vac that had failed. She wasn't as frustrated as I was at that point, I can assure you. She wasn't nearly as frustrated as my husband that had to sit helplessly and watch it happen. She wasn't as frustrated as my children. She also wasn't put through the trauma that my leg had been put through to that point. She didn't have any trouble adding to the trauma though, and she was pleased with herself. How do people like her sleep at night? First, do no harm. Right?

What started as blood clots in my femoral artery has turned into a nightmare. A nightmare created by the very doctor that took an oath to "first, do no harm." Six surgeries and five months later, I'm still not healed. Six surgeries and five months later and I've stopped asking for answers and started begging for them. I want my life back. You can give it to me, but you refuse to do so, at least from where I am sitting. I possess a special set of skills that allow me to help you find your lost loved one. I can find out if that suicide was really suicide or if it was murder. I fight for those that don't have a voice. I speak for them. I scream for them. I can't imagine telling someone that it was against policy to get involved in that particular case. I can't imagine turning someone away and telling them no just because I can. I put up with constant death threats, constant threats, and verbal attacks on my children. Even my animals have been threatened! I still don't turn anyone away and wait for it...I do it for free. Absolutely no cost to the victims or families of victims of violent crime, ever. I spend my own money, my own time, my own resources for each and every case I work. I still won't turn anyone away. I can't. My human spirit won't allow me to. I can help to ease someone's pain, and I do at every chance I get.

I never took an oath to do no harm, but I am ever so careful to never do harm and to prevent it where I can. What happened to the reason that you became a doctor? If I ask, most of you will say that you became a doctor to help people. To heal people. To make a difference. Where did that spirit go? I watch you on a daily basis take away pain medication from cancer patients. A friend of mine had an unfortunate circumstance that led to the amputation of his toe. The doctor chose to do the procedure IN HIS OFFICE and under local anesthetic. Once the doctor was finished removing the toe, he instructed my friend to take Tylenol for any pain he may be feeling. You can make a difference. Why won't you?

It is my deepest desire that should you or your family member fall ill that you are assigned the same type of doctor that you are. I hope you or your family member are treated EXACTLY like you treat patients. I pray that when you know something is wrong with your body, your physician listens to you with the same level of care and compassion that you've shown me.

I long for you to have the day you deserve with all of my being.

Fuck you sincerely,

Phoenixx Fyre Dean