Dear Charity

“So, you’re going through with it?”

I stopped doodling hearts and swirls on my sketch pad and looked up at my best friend, Jayda. I gave her a long, exasperated sigh.

“Probably. It depends on whether I win the prize or not.” I nodded to the promotion poster of the company raffle on the overhead. Today was the day of our sales raffle at work. For every major client we convinced to go view their forever home, our names were entered into the drawing.

I told myself that if I won, I’d use the twenty thousand dollar cash prize to file for divorce. I would need every penny. It was going to be a nasty one.

“It shouldn’t depend on that though.” Jayda said in a matter of fact tone as she threw her box braids over her shoulder. The purple decorative beads on the ends of her braids clicked together.

“It should depend on if you still love him or not.”

“I don’t.” I spat venomously, leaving no room for her to try to second guess.

“Mhmm.” She huffed.“Jonathan was your world. And why are you still wearing his ring?”

“Was.” I retorted. “He didn’t even come home last night.” I looked down at the wedding ring on my finger. Why was I still wearing it?

Jayda looked up at me from filing her nails. Her straight jaw tightened as she formed her mouth in a surprised gasp. Her amber brown eyes went wide, making her long lashes nearly touch her brow bones.

“Do you think he’s cheating or nah?” She asked.

I didn’t want to think about the answer to that question. Even though our marriage was damaged and I loathed him, I didn’t want to think about his hands all over someone’s body. I didn’t want to think of his lips caressing anyone else.

“I don’t know.” I breathed out, watching as our boss came out from his office. I had a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.

“I think they’re about to do the drawing.” She said, perking up in her chair.

“I hope I win.” I chuckled.

“You probably will. You had your name entered in the drawing twenty times and there’s only five of us here.” She squinted her eyes at me as we both giggled.

“It’s….drawing time!” My boss, Mr. Rogers piped up in his shrill voice. Jayda and I snickered at his futile attempt to create excitement. He stuck his hand into the bucket full of names and moved the papers around.

We watched him smile excitedly as he pulled out a slip of white paper and held it up. He straightened his glasses as he opened it.

“Mrs. Charity Austen, you are our winner!” He announced, generating a small applause from the office.

“Told you!” Jayda whispered to me, clapping.

As he brought me the large envelope full of cash, something died in me. I guess this meant I would be filing for divorce from the great Mr. Jonathan Austen.

XXX

My heart began pounding in my chest as I pulled into the driveway. Why was his car here? He never came home this early. He hardly came here at all, period. Nevertheless, his silver Land Rover was parked in his parking spot.

I flipped the driver’s side sun visor down quickly and looked into the mirror. I smiled and checked my teeth and examined my skin. I took a deep breath as I stared back at the tense, large amber eyes that stared back at me.

“Try to stay calm.” I whispered to myself, sending a tendril of bi-racial curls flying out of my face. I raked my fingers through my hair and sighed once more.

As I walked up the driveway it became harder to breathe. I was angry, yes. But something else. I was also...nervous? I wasn’t sure how he would take the news.

I quietly praised myself on thinking quickly by going to the bank straight after work and opening a separate account for my divorce funds. I knew I’d have to hire a lawyer, and a good one. Jonathan was, after all one of the best lawyers in the city.

I opened the front door of the house to silence. I came in and looked around the hallway and living room. There was no sign of Jonathan. I walked into the spacious kitchen and sat my purse down on the granite island.

I froze when I noticed a sleek, black notebook on the counter beside my bag. It wasn’t my notebook. I picked it up, and traced my fingers over the elastic band on the hard cover. The corners were rounded and there was a matching bookmark ribbon inside.

I gently pulled the black elastic band back and flipped it open. My name was etched on the front flyleaf. This made no sense. Why would he write my name in his notebook?

I flipped to the very back and noticed two plane tickets tucked neatly into the back pocket of the sleek notebook. I pulled the tickets out. They were tickets to Fiji. Was this his way of telling me he’s found someone else? I flipped back to the front, my eyes brimming with angry tears. I started flipping pages.

I gasped as I found a written letter addressed to me. His handwriting was small and neat, hovering right on the dark grey lines on the ivory pages.

Dear Charity,

I don’t know exactly how to say this, but I came home to pack a suitcase. Things have been so hard for us. I knew when we signed on for this thing together that it wouldn’t always be easy. I loved you more than anything.

Tears choked their way out and slid down my face. Why was I crying if I hated him so much? I continued reading.

I still do love you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been the best. I’m sorry that I chose work over dinner, over movies, over...you. I hope you have it in your heart to forgive me and hear me out with this.

I’ve been seeing a therapist. He advised me to give you space for a bit after our last blowout argument. We both figured it was imminent that you’d file for divorce sooner or later after I explained to him how inconsiderate I’ve been. So, I did just that.

I stayed in the boathouse and prepared for this day. In the back of this book there are two tickets to Fiji for you and I. I want to take a weeklong trip with you and work on our relationship. No work, no fighting, just you and I fixing our marriage.

I bought this notebook so that we could write love letters back and forth to each other every day on our trip, like we did in college. I hope you give me this chance to prove to you how much you mean to me. I am so sorry for how I’ve been, and I realize how wrong I was. If you decide to come with me, I’ll be waiting out back by the pool.

Love Always,

Jonathan

I gently sat the notebook down and tried to process my feelings as I wiped my river of perpetual tears away. If I hated him so much why did I feel like this?

It’s true that he hurt me by putting his job before me. But could I forgive him? Did I still love him or was it just a front? I already knew the answer in my heart. I still loved him, I always would.

I made my way out to the backyard deck and found Jonathan standing by the pool, looking out into the water. He was as tall as ever, wearing a long black coat. His golden blonde hair looked soft. When he heard me, he turned around and took his sunglasses off. He looked down at me with his deep blue eyes.

“Hi.” He said sheepishly, with his hands in his pockets. “I….”

“I’ll go with you.” I said quietly, looking up at him.

He sighed in relief, and reached his large, calloused hand out to caress my face.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He laughed gently, sighing with relief. “I love you Charity. Do you forgive me?”

I nodded my head yes as I settled into his arms. He kissed my forehead and ran his fingers through my curly hair. We stood there and hugged, as we felt everything we’ve always felt for each other.

XXX

I reached into my carry-on bag and carefully pulled out the little black book. I clicked my pen, careful not to wake Jonathan. I looked over at him as he slept peacefully, cheeks blushing like an angel. I chuckled to myself as I began to write my letter to him.

Dear Jonathan,

We are almost to Fiji by now. I can’t believe you remembered our conversation ten years after we first met. When we became partners for our literature presentation, I told you I’d always wanted to go to Fiji and visit the traditional villages.

I must admit that I’ve been selfish. I had a right to be angry, but I perpetually punished you for hurting me instead of forgiving you and admitting that I loved you. I do love you Jonathan, and I always will.

Let’s promise to always make things work. You are truly the love of my life. I won a contest at work, so it looks like we will have plenty of money to play with in Fiji. I’m already looking at when I can take a natural mud bath to detox my skin.

Thank you for seeing past my anger and hardened heart towards you. Thank you also, for remembering that we used to write love letters like this to each other back in the day.

Somehow you even found the identical notebook that we used so long ago. My heart feels so much for you. Just as much as it did when we first fell in love. I’ll always love you, Jonathan.

Your forever,

Charity.