Dear Alcohol

Dear A,

This letter is to let you know I’m moving on. I won’t pretend that I didn’t live for your very essence. It was a perpetual sin of mine to lust over you, I couldn’t walk past you without entertaining the idea that you could illuminate a light in me that was constantly shunned by a wicked darkness. A darkness which I now realise was soaked by your ability to tantalise my foolishness. You were everything I wanted but not what I needed.

We did have our fun and I will miss some of those times. In summer we sat back and spoiled ourselves with overindulgence in back yard gatherings and by the beach. We walked along the promenade with the sound of waves licking their lips at anticipation of our desires to jump in. Stumbling through those warm nights with no hope for anything but the now, it was carefree. In winter we replaced the late-night walks with shared hot showers and cuddles on the couch. Never troubled by the cold, we continued to add fuel to the fire that was our back-and-forth romance. I lost myself in you, you became my reason to live.

Whether the still of the night, at a party, or in the early mornings when my head was too heavy to rise, you quenched my thirst, you comforted me without question. Sometimes I think back to who we were together. Despite how toxic it was to show you off and playfully dance with you, every time you went to bed with me, I felt untouchable. It was almost like I knew that even though we were going nowhere, the comfortability in your breath was bliss. Your calls at night, once the music stopped and everyone went home, was what I craved, I could never say no to you. When an image of you cascaded down across my eyes, I would do anything I could to have you hear my call. You could have put me on a lead and paraded me through the streets, I would have submitted.

Despite our attempts at a breakup, being without you deemed a harder task than anything I have ever had to overcome. My mind despised the poison in you, yet my heart ached when you strayed. I had shared my secrets with you, some I didn’t think would ever leave my lips. You pursed those very lips, ones I swooned over, and brought them to mine whenever there was doubt of our existence. I was hypnotized by fake love. It was like a curse, one with such temporary jubilation that blinded me of the consequences which would always overstay their welcome. A debt in my wellbeing and bank account were traded for some sort of release from reality. I didn’t have to wake up and deal with the world when you were around. I could hide out in your sanctuary, pretending responsibility didn’t exist. When my internal pain became to much, when the anxiety in my chest pulled on my lungs and begged for me to slit my wrists, you put the blade down and helped me rest. You had me retreat, and despite it saving my life, your constant control over me took me deeper down a reliance that was not any healthier.

I loved you. You were all I desired. This letter finds you now because despite this, it’s time to say goodbye for good. The last time we met was the biggest regret of my life, and I can still taste the residual disgust on my lips. That was the last night we will ever spend together. What we had will always be apart of my life and I know that we will cross paths, even if I don’t want to. Writing this has been easier than I thought, and I know now that this decision is the best I have ever made.

Goodbye.

Mitch