Dealing With A Broken Heart During a Pandemic

Here's my story:

My ex and I had a very interesting relationship for the past two years. The two years before that, we watched each other go in and out of toxic relationships. Our friendship worked because our opposite natures were compatible each other; we made each other better. Little did we know that this would not be the case when we started dating. We started expecting more from each other, and became very dependent on each other. We took some time away from each other for about a month and when we got back together, everything was perfect. At least to me it was. We weren't fighting anymore, and we worked on managing our time with each other. However, just when I thought that things were going amazing, he broke up with me.

The breakup played out as follows:

Shortly after the best Valentine's day of my life, he asks me if he can go out with friends. These are mutual friends from our church but he saw them more as they always hung out with people their age, and I'm a year older. Of course I told him that he can and that he didn't have to ask me. I knew they were going to play mini-golf at 7pm but midnight rolled around and there was still no text or phone call from him. I was starting to get worried. I have to disclose that one of the people he was hanging out with was his ex prior to me, so naturally, there was a part of me that was anxious.

He finally called me at 1am from the bus stop and said he wanted to break up...giving me absolutely no reason. I was left confused and my mind immediately thought, "What if he caught feelings for her again?"

He didn't, but I blamed myself in every way possible, trying to place a reason to why he would break up with me so suddenly. Was I not good enough? Was I not pretty enough? Did I not show him I loved him enough? It also didn't help how cold he was towards me when I tried to talk following these events?

How can one tell you they love you so much and in the span of 6 hours completely flip the way they feel towards you?

It was shortly after this that the pandemic hit.

I was still heartbroken, trying to prepare for final exams/presentations, and to top it all off I was dealing with a high fever and lack of appetite due to a tooth issue. I started to look like I was starving myself. I decided to invest my time into my school work and when I wasn't studying I went to visit friends at their dorm. It made the first month of the break up somewhat bearable.

My birthday came during this month, and they made it amazing. They didn't know I was dealing with a breakup as I didn't tell them we got back together after a month, and were under the impression we broke up months ago. Nonetheless, they made me smile, and my ex, call him what you will, but he has been the first to call me for 4 years and he stuck to that, which surprised me. But his kindness stopped there.

My friends are all only in the city for school, meaning that they go home to different countries for summer break. Due to the pandemic, they all rushed to get flights home and once they all left, I really started to feel alone.

For the next two months, I was miserable. My ex was such a huge part of my life and he was the only person I really had to hang out with in the city. I tried calling him and texting him, but getting shut out just hurt me even more.

I was stuck in the same cycle everyday. Wake up, check if he messaged me, study, check if he messaged me, eat, check if he messaged me, and at the end of the day, cry myself to sleep.

It wasn't until I stopped texting him that he started texting me. And even then, he would say a few words and then disappear for another 5 or 6 days.

I found myself questioning why this breakup was taking so long to get over. Normally, it would take me about 2 months. This time, I didn't have much to distract myself with.

Here's where I started to change my thinking:

I started researching ways to lose weight. I'm not necessarily large but I had some body image issues as I compared myself to how thin I was in high school. My routine changed to this. Wake up, drink water, eat a light breakfast, check if he messaged me, study, go for a bike ride, drink water, cry myself to sleep.

Then, realizing I lost touch with my faith, I added prayer into the routine. Of course, I was praying for his health, his safety, his happiness, and his family, but hey, at least I was praying. Slowly, my prayers started becoming less about him and more about me.

I was checking for his messages less, and slowly getting to my desired size. I started doing large puzzles. I was checking in with old friends I lost touch with. I was investing more time into my art. I was becoming a person who could define herself as something more than "____'s girlfriend" or now "_____'s ex-girlfriend."

I'm not saying that I am completely healed. It's nearing 6 months into the breakup and I still pray for him. I still think about him. On days where I run out of things to do at home, I find myself consumed by thoughts of him. I still cry about him and I still wish he were mine again.

What I'm saying is this:

Even though it didn't feel like I was healing, I was. Healing is a slow process and not a sudden change. Sure, being in quarantine may have made things slower, but I'm getting to a place where I feel better. I feel more confident in myself and although I'm not ready for someone new, I am growing.

All I can really hope for now is not to spiral, and try not to rush the process of healing.