Dating While Ace
An Insight into Asexual Dating in a Not-So-Asexual Culture
Asexuality is a sexual orientation you don't hear referenced very often. It's the lack of sexual attraction towards other people, and it's a part of the LGBT+ community. But what is something that most people can agree on? American culture has a soft spot for sex. Whether it'd be simple titillation in a beer commercial, an explicit scene in a movie, or the VAST supply of free internet porn, Americans tend to really like sex.
Now, I'm not here to say that there's anything wrong with that. Like what you like, it's all good so long as it doesn't hurt anyone. But because of this being the norm for many people, it hinders people's understanding of asexuality and life for asexual people, especially when it comes to the dating scene.
So dating while asexual, you may have accurately guessed, us aces don't get laid very much, but the majority of us still like to date. And you'd be forgiven in thinking that ace people really only date other ace people, but that's not always the case. Considering asexuals only make up one percent of the population, and an estimated 70 percent of self-identified asexuals are women, there is quite the disparity when it comes to dating. Personally, I've been in four serious relationships, and only one of them shared my sexuality. The hardest part is actually trying to find people to date. Many asexuals (including myself) have actually felt that it was necessary to hold the topic of their sexuality at bay for a bit while they got to know someone. Now obviously, that's not always the best method. It's always better to just be straight-up and honest about it, just don't start your first Tinder conversation with it. That's not a good opening message when you get a match.
But can a relationship between an asexual and non-asexual work?
Absolutely. It definitely happens, my longest relationship was with a bisexual woman. It just doesn't happen often. It's similar to a gay man marrying a woman on the basis of him appreciating her greatly as a person. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it's still not common. There's also a scenario that has happened to me, and definitely other asexuals, someone saying they're okay with it, and then breaking up due to lack of sex.
Me: "So, you're okay with me being asexual?"
Date (for purposes of example and experience, a woman): "Yeah. It'll be nice to date a guy who isn't constantly trying to get in my pants."
Give it anywhere from three weeks to two months.
Date: "I can't do this anymore. I can't date someone I can't have sex with."
This has happened to me a few times, and it's one of the biggest blows to your confidence that can happen. You work hard to try to make your partner happy, and they backtrack on a claim they made when you were upfront and honest with them. This is probably the worst part about dating while ace, but I'm still hesitant to put total blame on either party. Things happen, relationships come and go, that's just the way it is.
Don't lose hope my fellow aces, you're all doing fine and will find someone if you're willing to climb the rocks. And to the non-aces reading, I hope this gave you some insight to a fragment of the LGBT+ community you don't hear about very much! Have a wonderful day.