Dating in a Wheelchair

Hi. So fresh off a break up after one and a half years and loads of tinder and bumble dates under my belt, I’ve decided to share an account of what it’s like dating now that I’m a paraplegic. Yay fun.

In a phrase: It’s really not that much different. Well, maybe. Kind of? Sorry if that disappoints you right out of the gate. It actually might be a bit better, and here’s why: Millennials and awesome people. So far, my most successful dates have all been with those aged under thirty. My last relationship person (and to date my only ‘serious’ relationship since I was injured), was 26 when we met. Why is this? I don't know, what do you think?

A few things, and I’ll get the big question out of the way that yes, everyone asks or wants to know on a first date. I can still have sex. At first it was awkward, but gym-ing and practice has helped me along and I can truly say that I’m pretty damn good at it. I’m actually better than before. Why? Because I have to be. Yes I can employ all positions, and yes they have been tried and tested (including standard, um, well, I won’t go into details), and yes, I can feel it too. No, the other person is not always on top. I can do top. I CAN DO TOP OKAY? Plus who doesn’t like chair sex, right? RIGHT?

Anywhoooo, I’m one of the lucky ones who retains sensation below my injury level, which resides at around my belly button. So yes, it all feels good. And now that I’m ripped and my upper body is the best it has ever been at age 40, things are actually better than ever. I guess it helps that I have a west side apartment with an ocean view, and that I now run my own business (in terms of landing dates, that is).

I suppose young people are just more open, and the stigmas and stereotypes of the time that I grew up in have been dispelled. This is wonderful. I’d say on average that 70 percent of women I meet in a dating type scenario have no problem with me being in a chair, 10 percent opt out because of it, and the rest have actually expressed that they are more into me because of it. Why? I’ll let you speculate, but I suppose it does have something to do with that fact that I’ve shown strength and the ability to overcome adversity? That I’m vulnerable? Because Florence Nightingale? I dunno.

But sex aside, I’m not roving tinder and bumble for hook-ups. I do want a meaningful connection. I’ll call that 1.5 year stint a confidence booster and a wonderful learning experience in terms of my capabilities. So, good. And it’s great to know that I’m still, uh, viable or whatever. So yay to that too.

So here’s something that is different. Online dating apps being a pictured oriented forum, the question has become, do I reveal that I’m in a chair or not? The answer is both. I’ve done both, and here is the difference: I do get more matches when I don’t reveal, but I get far better quality matches when I do reveal. You can guess why. The reason I mix it up? Well, to be honest I don’t have to reveal my disability until I’m ready. But there’s more. I obviously want people to get to know who I am before they make snap judgments. Plus the story of how I was injured is awesome and fascinating, and often leads to getting a date. So, yes I have a healthy ego here, and why would I deprive someone of my charm and wit and amazing stories if they are going to make a snap judgement based on presumptions? Better to put who I am out there first and engage in some social flirtation rather than having to answer boring questions or getting outright rejected at the start. Plus it’s fun chatting with people and getting to know them without the whole disability thing distracting it all at first. Make sense? Hope so.

Do I get dumb questions? Less and less these days. Most of them are from women over 35 or 40 who ask “who takes care of me” and “how I get around.” It’s hard not to laugh or reply sarcastically, but I manage. I met my last girlfriend on one of those tinder cycles where I did state my injury. She did not pry about it and waited for me to address it before asking questions, and I appreciated that. See? Young people get it.

So, when do I reveal? Whenever I god damned like, haha. But no really, and the answer may seem obvious, it’s when I think the person is cool. No, I haven’t just shown up to a date to surprise the person yet (though I’m dyyyying to do that, just haven’t had the courage yet, plus it’s mean), but yeah, it’s usually at a time when I think I can trust the person enough to not judge, or of course when I have set a date to meet. So yeah, simple as that. Of those who I’ve set a date with and then sent a pic (and yes, I have a very charming way of doing it), maybe 10 percent have backed out. No big deal, why would I want to meet a dipshit? It helps that I have another date lined up almost right away most of the time.

So, once in a relationship, what is different? Well, once the "let me be, I can do things myself" issue is out of the way, it’s preeettty much the same? Perhaps it’s disappointing to nurturing personalities that I am so fiercely independent, but oh well, I gotsta be. Two things I suppose: One is that I get waves of pain that can affect my mood. It isn’t too often, and well, this isn’t so bad if someone can deal with someone who gets pain from time to time. So yeah I do do the stereotypical yelling at the thing thing when I get a wave of pain. It passes, and I’m a positive person so I’m good to go within a minute after the frustration. The other and more serious thing I suppose is the confrontations that I occasionally have in public with people in regards to my disability. Usually just jackasses making comments or someone who tries to push my wheelchair or tells me that I "can’t" do something because of blah blah blah.

Don’t tell me what a I can’t do punk!

But again, I’m a happy type guy and I never hold grudges, so it passes quickly, and in both scenarios I’m either immediately regretful, and / or making jokes about it a minute later. I’m pretty self aware, and humour is one of the mechanisms that I employ to deal with my sitch. It’s like, when I friend asks me if I want to smoke weed and I’m like “I dunno man, I’m afraid I’ll trip out and be like ‘dude I can’t feel my leeeegs!'”

And so on.

I guess that’s really it. I can go to the beach and go on hikes and maybe the best part yet is that I get crazy good discounts on movies and art galleries and my date usually can get in free as my "attendant." Major bonus to those out there if you are considering dating someone in a wheelchair. The best yet? Anytime I’ve been at a gathering or concert with a date, we skip directly to the front row, as people will move mountains to accommodate you. Boom. You part the seas with someone in a wheelchair and end up with the best view. BOOOOOM,

So I’ve had positive experiences dating since I’ve been in a chair and things are really not that different (I tended to get into it with people for overstepping on me before I was ever in a chair anyways, and who doesn’t throw a little hissy fit when they are in pain from time to time).

Other than that, I’m happy to field questions in the comments section below, thank you for reading 🙂

Oh here, enjoy this cartoon too