Date Gone Very Bad

When I’m around my friend Suja, I tend to make bad decisions.

We were out one night shooting pool at a bar, and as usual, we attracted attention. Two single girls—one Asian and one Indian—who were actually good at the game playing alone are bound to catch a few men’s eyes.

Now, the first bad decision I made this evening was drinking all the shots Suja put in front of me. “Come on, George, let’s have fun tonight.” Suja had this goofy habit of calling everyone “George." She would do this to anyone she met, including the bartenders. Some would respond, “Uh, my name is actually Brian,” or whatever their actual names were and Suja would say, “Got it, George.”

Anyway, fairly tanked and yet still able to see all the balls on the table, we met Jason and Todd, who slapped their coins down, challenging us to the next game.

“Sure," I said.

They seemed like nice young guys. I succinctly remember Todd wearing a brown wool hat even though it wasn’t really cold outside. Suja and I whipped up on them several games in a row and then gave the table away to some other people who were accusing us of hogging it all evening.

“George, onto the next bar,” she yelled across the room. I was talking to Todd and he grabbed my hand. “I’d really like to take you out to a nice romantic dinner. Can I get your number and call you sometime?” Second mistake of the evening. I give him my digits quickly and chase after Suja, who is already out the door.

"Suja, I just gave Todd my number, what do you think of him?"

“Aw, he was a nice boy. You should go out with him.”

“Did you think he was cute?” I asked.

“Sure, that hat gave him his own style.”

We bar hopped the rest of the night and I soon forgot about Todd as well as practically the entire evening by the time I got in the cab to go home.

The next day, hungover as hell, my phone rings late morning.

“Hi Carin, It’s Todd.”

Silence.

“The guy you shot pool with last night.”

Silence.

"I was the guy in the brown hat."

Finally, it registers.

“Todd, how cool of you to call…. so…. soon.”

“Well, I was wondering if I could take you on that romantic dinner date tonight, if you’re not busy,” he said.

I really hadn’t been on a real live guy-takes-you-out-and-pays-for-dinner date in quite awhile, so I agreed. We arranged to meet at an Italian restaurant at seven. I hung up the phone and then I realized something really pathetic; I could not recall what Todd looked like. I could not recall any of our conversation last night. All I remembered was that stinkin' brown hat. Agreeing to this date….third mistake! He may not be remotely attractive. He’s a guy in a hat that seemed fun after an immense amount of alcohol. In that inebriated state 99 percent of people become sexy, hip, and interesting. What did I get myself into?

I calmed myself down and said: it’s a free meal at a good restaurant and I literally can get along with just about everyone. I can make it through one date. If we don’t click, that will be it and I’ll just move right along.

I walked to the restaurant from my office and immediately started scanning the crowd for potential Todds. Thankfully, I was greeted by a smiling brown-haired blur of a man coming right at me for a hug. While he was hugging me, all I could think of was: please let the blur be attractive. He pulled away. No such luck.

He was wearing a ratty striped sweater over a mismatching wrinkled oxford shirt. His cargo pants had seen better days and in his receding hairline had speckles of dandruff. His teeth had brown cigarette stains and there was something sorta creepy about his smile. Ok, don’t panic. It’s just a dinner.

We sat down and I ordered a glass of wine from a server who wasn’t assigned to our table. He smiled.

“A little nervous, are we?” he asked. Oh, if he only knew.

He complimented me on my outfit and I told him I was starving so let’s hurry up and order then talk.

“I like a girl with a healthy appetite,” he said. Somehow this comment grossed me out.

While we were waiting on dinner to arrive, which seemed like eons, Todd calmly asked me if I was a Republican. Stunned by this, I just shook my head.

“Well then you must be a Democrat. Don’t you understand where your tax dollars are going?”

Literally I did not hear anything past that as he ranted on and on. I think I heard he was formerly in the military, but nothing he was saying was making much sense to me. I interrupted.

“Have you ever heard the rule that you don’t talk about politics when you first meet someone?”

“No, I’ve never heard of that.”

“Well what it does is it causes an argument to start that doesn’t really need to happen when you don’t even know each other. See, we don’t know anything about each other and you’re already mad because you know I’m a Democrat.” Damn it. What was I thinking? I’m ruining my way out.

“OK, I see where you’re coming from,” Todd said, "We’ll talk about something else.

By then, dinner had arrived. I dug into mine like it was going to be taken away in 30 seconds. Todd sneezed but didn’t cover his mouth over his tortellini. Luckily the napkin holder and condiments guarded my dish from Todd germs.

“Bless you,” I said.

“What religion are you, Carin?” I nearly choked on melted cheese.

“That would be another taboo topic, Todd.” Now I was irritated. He was ruining the only part of this evening left worthwhile.

“Excuse me. Check please,” I said as I waived down the server from across the room. I had had enough of this dating dumbo. I asked for a box and gave my share of the bill to Todd.

“Wait a minute. What kind of music do you like? I’ll do better,” Todd pleaded. He saw the look on my face and saw that I was serious. “I guess I’ll take a box, too.”

The server brought back our food and placed them in separate bags in front of us. Obviously she saw we were not going to the same household.

“Todd, I’m sorry the date did not work out as planned, but these things happen. I hope maybe you’ll take some things from this night with you that will go towards the next time you ask a girl out.”

I stood up, grabbed by leftovers, and walked out of the restaurant and hailed a cab for home.

When I got home, I stomped in, shut the door, and immediately started laughing at myself. What in the world just happened and what did I learn from this? No more dates derived from drunken stupors. I grabbed a fork and plopped down on the couch, ready to relax and dig into my leftover eggplant parmesan. I opened the container and gasped...the server got our food switched and I was staring at Todd’s sneezed on tortellini. Even the ending to the evening sucked.