Daring to Be Human
Facing and Embracing the Vulnerability of Human Existence
I think that a lot of us are scared of facing emotions. Emotions make us vulnerable. Vulnerability opens up the possibility to us getting hurt. No one wants to get hurt. But, I think that this fear is making into emotionless robots by taking away the very things that make us human. We are so afraid of opening up and getting hurt that we shut down every possibility to open up and experience something wonderful.
I am afraid of being hurt. Just like everyone else. I fear that if I let someone into my heart, then I will be giving them the power to destroy it. I am afraid of letting someone in and having them turn around and stab my back. I'm pretty confident that this is a relatively common fear. Though recently, I decided to take a chance. I had been hurt, left, trodden down, and basically destroyed. But I had learned to be my own person. I had learned how to be strong. I had learned that I CAN make it, I CAN do hard things, and I AM a good person. My experiences had taught me to be who I am and not care what anyone else thought. I was happy. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend. He was fun to be around but the relationship didn't have much substance. He was moving and didn't want to try long distance. I was upset at first, though after we broke up I was actually really grateful. I was able to see that I was not as happy as I could be in that relationship. I didn't feel comfortable enough to open up and I don't think he did either. Overall, it was best for both of us to end things. But like I said, I was happy. I was confident in being my own person. But, I was still scared of opening my heart up to anyone again.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and I decided that it would probably be good for me to start going on dates again. I tried out my luck (don't judge) on dating websites, went out with friends, and did everything I could to just move on and be happy. And I was. With my emotions and such safely locked inside my heart. I was determined to keep my heart locked up to prevent me from being hurt.
It was going well too. That is, until I met Thomas. I met him on a dating website and we talked for about two weeks before actually meeting in person. We "officially" met on our first date. I wasn't expecting anything out of it. I even almost cancelled on him because I had had kind of a crappy day previous and didn't really want to go get food with some random dude. But I felt bad cancelling last minute, so I went. I will forever be grateful that I did.
Things moved relatively quickly and pretty soon we were a couple. We went on nine dates in a ten day time frame. As things progressed I could feel myself falling. And falling fast. It scared me because I had spent so much time and energy on building walls around my heart. I was terrified that this boy, who I had basically barely met, was succeeding at breaking those walls down piece by piece. So I took my problems to God.
Now, I'm not sure if you're religious, or if you believe that anyone actually listens to the humble prayers of humanity, but frankly it doesn't matter. Believe what you will. But, I happen to be religious, and this seemed like the only option to get any help or answers on what to do with this wonderful human that had entered my life.
I told God about how I felt. I told him that I was scared of opening my heart up in fear that it would be broken again. I told him how much I adored this boy and really wouldn't mind if things worked out between us. But, I also told him that it scared me how much I really cared about this boy. Then I decided to make a choice. I decided I had to be all in or all out. This halfway between thing was getting old quick. I analyzed everything that I was feeling and thinking. I decided to be all in. I decided that I would rather keep him in my life with the possibility of being broken again than push him away due to a fear that had no solid reasoning behind it. I told my plan to God, and it went a little like this.
First of all. Thank you for blessing my life with Thomas. I really am so grateful. But, here's the deal. I've been scared of opening myself up to loving anyone for a really long time. But then here comes this boy that makes it so easy. I'm honestly not sure what I'm doing, God, but it feels right. I'm going to let that boy into my heart, and if he breaks it at least I would have felt something for a while.
I figured that the only way for me to really know what this relationship could amount to was to allow myself to fall completely and stop denying what I was feeling. I was scared, but I took down those walls that I had spent so long building. I opened myself up to feel things that I never had before. It was wonderful. Our relationship is still relatively new. We still have a lot to figure out, but we are going to do it together. That's part of the adventure I think. What's life without a little risk?
That brings me back to my overall topic here. Feelings are meant to be felt. We aren't made to be stone cold bricks with little to no emotion. We are meant to feel. We are meant to be happy, excited, scared, disappointed, sad, and everything in between. We are meant to have these emotions. It's part of being human. It's the beautiful part of being human. It's beautiful because while there is a lot of pain, fear, and despair, there is also a lot of joy, kindness, and love. It's what brings us together. So that is my challenge for you. It's not going to be easy. Break down your walls, even for a moment. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to live.