Dare to Love

I can't exactly pinpoint how it became to be. I think I had loved so hard, so many times and failed, that I wanted to succeed. I wanted to find someone that would love me unconditionally and be there through the end. Someone that would always pick up the phone. Someone that would not send my anxiety spiraling. Someone that that I could rely on.

Then I met him. It was one month after a heartbreak I did not want to face. He had a few similar characteristics to my ex. I think that's what drew me in to him. On the outside he looked like a "bad boy". However, our relationship would be the exact opposite of my previous one.

Things moved slowly. We were not hasty. Each step of the way we took our time. We were in no rush. We dated casually for four months. That fourth month I called him and said "Hey, people keep asking if you're my boyfriend." To which he replied, "I guess I am". And that was that. One simple conversation, ear to ear rather than face to face, and I had myself a boyfriend.

Anytime I was upset he would drop everything to call me or come over to talk about things. He constantly would try to appease me. If I was worried we didn't spend enough time together, he would give me another day of the week. If I felt like he didn't give me enough affection, he would offer an extra hug on every date. He was accommodating. I knew that whatever happened he was going to be there, putting in just a little extra effort to make me happy. Every phone call was answered. Every text had a fast reply. He met my parents when I asked. Showed up to hang out with my friends without complaining.

He was reliable.

Although he was seemingly doing everything right, I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. My therapist chalked it up to me loving passionate chaos due to my childhood trauma. "Reliable feels foreign. Don't run away from something good to go to trouble just because your trauma is telling you to find something more thrilling." So, I listened. For one whole year I spent my time with someone that was SAFE. Someone I knew I could always count on. But deep down I knew something was missing.

Where were the fights? The arguments? The make ups? Where was the desire? The kind of sex where you can't help but tear each others clothes off? Where was the love?

Around 8 months, he told me he loved me. As we walked through my garage to head to work, he just blurted out, "love you, bye". I didn't respond. He was so reliable he didn't even ask me why. He patiently waited for me to return the phrase. Eventually I did tell him I love him. And I did. He had been in my life for almost a year, he was my best friend, and such a kind human. I had so much love for him. But, I was not in love.

As we get older, I think we start to wonder what type of person we will settle down with. What kind of person we need to settle down with. We start to wonder who can be our life long mate. Is it the guy that lights a fire in your heart but scares you with his inability to commit? Or is it the guy that will drive to your house at 3 am to kill a spider, not complain, and hug you goodbye afterwards?

I was forcing myself to stay with someone that would potentially tick all of the boxes for a good, lifelong partner. Someone I could rely on in my future. But I was ignoring a huge part of myself. And each day that passed, I was not only resenting him for not being who I needed, but resenting myself as well.

I eventually broke things off with Mr. Reliable. We have stayed friends through the years and I honestly wish him nothing but happiness. I realized that I needed someone that could ignite something within me. I could not settle for something that seemed like the right thing to do. I needed something to feel like the right thing to do, even if it scared me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... never feel like you have to do the "safe" thing when it comes to love. Don't settle for something that feels comfortable. You will wake up one morning with your kids and your husband and feel like a stranger in your own house. You will long for that other side of you. Instead, take risks. Be with someone that excites you. Be with someone that lights a flame inside you. Someone that will still turn you on when you are in your 80's. Someone that will not be afraid to fight with you. Someone that will make up with you passionately. Someone that makes you feel alive.

We only have one life. Take risks. Dare to love.